Poor Opening Lines With Which To Make First Contact

• “OK, in episode 23 when Kirk…”
• “So it’s you, the Alien, and the Predator trapped in an arctic pyramid. Who wins?”
• “Welcome to earth. Now pick a political affiliation. We have two.”
• “So…how much experience do your people have with global decimation? Oh, no reason. Just curious I guess.”
• “You’ve got a little something right there. Let me get that for you. (Later after earth has been destroyed) What do you mean that was his brain sac?”
• (whispered) “They’re so small. Do you think I could keep one as a pet?”
• “Yes, officer, I’m sure. That’s the one who mugged me, the big black one…with 14 eyes and wheels for hands.”
• “Will you please take our old people and do something with them–I don’t care, make them young again, feast on their spirit energies, anything, just please, we’ve had enough.”
• “Nice ship. How many cams?”
• “Yes yes, ’share your technology,’ ‘teach us love,’ it all sounds very nice, but what I really want to know-and this is serious now- Yankees or Sox?”
• “Look at the size of your heads! Jesus H, guys. Hey everyone, come look at the space freaks!”
• “Hmm, this wasn’t in Revelations. Must not be happening then. Er, excuse me, super advanced aliens, could you please cease to be?”
• “You crossed 80 billion light years just to commune with us? Jesus, next you’ll probably want to kiss.”
• “You remind me of me when I was young and full of hope, but not so hideously deformed of course.”
• “Ms. Universe? No, I think it’s just an honorary title.”
• “Let’s play a game. You give us all your hyper advanced technology, and we give you free cable. Digital, mind you.”
• “Oh yeah, then why don’t you prove it. Go ahead, destroy Des Moines. See if we care.”

• “Here’s your free copy of JEST.”
• “This alien just said he was going to assassinate the President of the United States! For real!”
• “Holy shit.”