Report: Volunteers Stupid, Criminals
National Lampoon has been the leading voice of biting satire since its inception. Over the last 30 years we've gone comedy high brow, low brow and eye brows. No one is safe because we are winners.
By Blake Pickens
This just in, if you are spending your time jobless and volunteering, you may be an idiot. It seems that during this recession, while people could be spending their time looking for jobs, they have instead decided to volunteer. Last time I checked, volunteering doesn’t make you any money; however, in this age of “change,” things could work differently. Unfortunately, I’m almost certain that the only compensation you receive for volunteer work is that feeling of satisfaction of sacrifice for the help of others. I guess their families will be forced to starve while they get off on lending a hand, when there are plenty of jobs that the Mexicans flooding Arizona have yet to take.
While Americans complain about their lack of money, they continue to work for free through volunteering. It is almost necessary to understand why these jobless cretins think that donating their time is a more productive activity than actually making money. According to a recent statistic, one out of every four unemployed people volunteers. That’s 25% for all of those who cannot do the math correctly and ended up with 22.435%. In our investigations, we were granted an interview from a nearly homeless man who is all about peace and the helping of others; he asked that we refer to him as His Holiness, The Dalai Lama. The information he would provide could finally bring an answer to the current situation. Unfortunately his broken English interview left us only confused with no further information on why people were being so stupid.
The question still burning in the hearts of many, it was time to either find an accurate answer, or to start completely speculating on a topic no one has any real information on. We chose the latter, only because it is much easier and allows for more creative freedom. Since the dawn of mankind, there has always been a sort of survival instinct. However, as mankind became ever slightly retarded as generations have progressed, we have lost this nature to provide for our offspring and ourselves. We have replaced this with a sexual stimulation that occurs upon the gratification we receive as a result of our volunteering activities. Yes, that’s correct, it’s simply science. We have evolved to become monsters that gorge our sexual appetites by helping others. Sick!
So, for all of you having questions like, is capitalism failing? Are we becoming a society of considerate human beings with actual sympathy for those who are less fortunate? Could we be on the verge of a utopian society? The answer is no. We are only sexual deviants gaining pleasure from the happiness of others.
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