Review: Paris Hilton Sex Tape

Reviewed By Geoffrey Golden and Asterios Kokkinos

Paris Hilton, Nicolas Cage, Usher, Lakers Coach Phil Jackson
Rated X5, 2004-2013 (Warnerversal/Wal-Mart Films)

Once the reigning queen of sex tapes, Ms. Hilton’s most recent widescreen releases have been disappointing at best. Opening in theaters to mediocre box office (Hilton Mounts A Phoenix, starring Paris Hilton and Joaquin Phoenix, bowed at a measly $40 bil), and poor reviews (see the review of Orlando Bloom and I Fuck In A Bathroom in this issue), Paris and her celebrated, well-documented vagina have clearly seen better days. Frankly, there’s so much product placement in Paris Hilton Blows Franz Ferdinand that it’s not even fun to watch the veteran sex talent give the members of the aged musical super-group blowjobs, because there are logos for Toyota and Human Foot Locker emblazoned on Hilton’s face.

Paris Hilton Sex Tapes: The Criterion Collection, the long-awaited Brain-DVD box set, allows us to remember a time when sex tapes were watched by the whole family on a “tele-vision,” not downwarped into our brains by deadly cyborgs. These classic videos were about three things: sex,
celebrity exploitation, and did I mention seeeeeeeeeeeex? (I think I did). These original tapes were commercial free, and are a joy to watch, again and again.

The original Quadrilogy of sex tapes have been re-released with enhanced sound, picture, and taste quality. You’ll laugh when Paris tells the late Nicolas Cage, “keep putting it into my butt!” You’ll relive the magic when she’s riding Usher and asks, “do you wanna put it into my butt?” And I defy you not to cry when Paris says that classic line to former Lakers Coach Phil Jackson (currently at-large), “you know, I don’t even like it in my butt. But I do it, cause it’s something I’m good at.” What a selfless entertainer she was back then.

In addition to cosmetic enhancements, Criterion has thrown in a new, digitally added character. Meet Muchacho, a feisty Mexican mouse who gets into trouble during the worst possible times! You’ll never guess where – or who – Muchacho is going to crawl into next. You can’t even try to guess, because the Brain DVD’s programming prohibits tangential thinking while watching these films.

The most charming addition is the giant musical production number cut from Hilton ‘Ushers’ In A Penis. It’s amazing to see these two young talents in their prime, dancing and having very angry sex. Perhaps the angriest ever caught on film! It’ll make you miss the old Usher, who sang the R&B hits we danced to, as opposed to the new Usher, who greatly abused his power as our 53rd President.

Unfortunately, there aren’t as many special features as I would have hoped for. When my cyborg forcibly popped this DVD into my brain, I expected a documentary featurette, or perhaps some deleted scenes. Sadly, the sextras
are limited to a lethal trivia game and an infinite amount of commentary, far fewer than the sextras on Hillary Duff’s latest sex collection. Duff’s recent release includes animated storyboards, interactive games, and a 72-hour long making-of special entitled, On The Set of ‘Duff Meets Actor Mark Ruffalo’s Vicious, Alien-Enhanced Penis.’

Still, for all the glitz and promotion behind Duff Meets, give me the old-fashioned, non-cancer inducing fun of Paris’ original classics. They’ll make you smile again, unless the Easter Eggs make their way to your esophagus. If that happens, contact EarthForce.

EW GRADE: C-