By Jeff Holbrook

The fear of global warming is the main antagonist plaguing the minds of citizens around the world, threatening to kill our planet off once and for all, right? Wrong. It actually starts in Pittsfield, MA. Due to the heat wave that has taken the east coast by storm, Pittsfield officials chose to close down the town’s sprinkler activity for three days in order to “lessen the strain on Pittsfield’s water supply.” Genocide is the smart way to go in this situation.

This decision will not only risk the lives of the Pittsfield citizens but also, more importantly, it will kill the town’s plant life. Apparently, that is not a concern to the foolish Pitts officials. Public Works and Utilities Commissioner Bruce Collingwood spoke out on behalf of letting his community slowly perish while he chugs countless bottles of water, laughing hysterically as he does so.

“We’re not in a drought. We have water. However, we can’t produce enough water to meet the demand,” said Collingwood while filling up a swimming pool despite his fear of drowning. “Once people are told they can’t use their lawn sprinklers, they cooperate with us and back right off on using them.”

What is this guy’s end game strategy for this? He really sounds like a tyrant, forcing people to quit using their sprinklers by threatening them with a fine. That’s right. If citizens of Pittsfield get caught trying to smuggle water to their dying world, they will be hit with a $50 fine, payable to King Collingwood only. He is not the only asshole in on this plot to launch Armageddon, for the Pittsfield mayor, James M. Ruberto, is also scheming in the background.

“We are asking residents to do everything they can to help their neighbors,” said the political douchebag in a public statement made to “promote community service,” as if the community would not catch on to his true demands. Ruberto is yet just another small fish in the depleting pond that is the “Pittsfield Conspiracy.” It goes way deeper than we could have imagined.

The rabbit hole gets deeper as Lucifer himself has been spotted drinking ice cold Pittsfield water with Collingwood, Ruberto, and Lenox Public Works Superintendent Jeffrey Vincent. Vincent is said to drink 450 ounces of Pittsfield water per day, and that is on a bad day. This heat wave is a dangerous tool that the Devil is using in order to distract people so that he can rape the world’s water facilities in order to further progress, you guessed it, the global warming conspiracy that Al Gore has been warning us about.

We have doomed ourselves, however, by electing George “The Longhorn” Bush instead of Gore in the 2000 Presidential Election. It is becoming more and more evident that Gore is the vessel of Michael, the angel that originally cast Lucifer into Hell in the first place. By electing Bush, our country took away the political power that Michael needed to save this planet.

Pittsfield will be the capital for what will soon be called New Hell, where all sprinklers will be loaded with fire and sin while constantly running with no relief. If only we had believed in Al Gore earlier, we would be living life in the fast lane with the air conditioner on, but instead we will be receiving cooking lessons from Hitler for eternity.