By Blake Pickens

Over the past couple of years, over $12,000 in welfare money has been dispensed from strip club ATMs. This could cause some to think that welfare is being misused, but that’ not the way we see it. Instead, being optimists, this leads us to believe that even during times of recession, strip clubs will still be profitable, at least according to noted economist and doctor Jeff Holbrook. His leading research in the field of economics has helped many in times of recession. In his new book, Helping Banks with Strippers, Pimps, and a Little Sucky-Sucky, he describes how financial institutions can use the business model of most strip clubs to themselves from failing. We have had the honor of receiving the first statement by Dr. Holbrook regarding his book and its message. This is what he had to say:

“My book is a piece of art as well as a piece of economic history. You see, I have been studying the topic of economics for as long as I have been a doctor. Banks can really take a note from strip clubs. I have been to many strip clubs in my youth, and I personally know that they rake in way more money than they put out. Speaking of putting out, strippers dress, or I should say undress, the way they do in order to advertise the club that they work for. This is a perfect marketing ploy and banks should consider using this in the future. For example, the Deborahlee case, in which the woman dressed too scandalously for work, is a perfect example of what the bank should have as a proper dress code. People will put their money into banks if they are even half as entertaining as these nude bars. Banks are just too lame to care about. Besides, who needs banks when you have a pimp to hold your money? The less responsibility you have, the better off you are.”

Perhaps he is right; maybe banks should begin to model themselves after strip clubs. They obviously have the right idea when it comes to making money, even from those who should be using their food stamps to buy food for their starving children. But, that’s an issue for another day, a day when we actually care.

There are already a few banks taking this new proposed strategy and putting it into work. Citi-bank, after realizing that firing Deborahlee Lorenzana was a bad idea, have began the installation of stripper poles in a few test banks across the U.S. A.I.G. has begun to require executives to, and I quote, “dress like whores to attract new customers.” These are only a few of the examples of banks already using Dr. Jeff’s progressive new methods of recession-proofing banks. In the near future, after his book hits the streets, banks across the world will begin to use methods never thought of before to increase revenue and decrease expenditures. It’s hard to believe that we never saw the similarities between strip clubs and banks and how they can help each other. I guess it’s like Dr. Holbrook said in a recent Tweet, “Strippers are like ATMs: they spit out what you put in.”