Ten Things I Have To Do Before I Can File My Taxes

There’s no point getting all the way to “Just Taxes” only to find I’ve forgotten my W-2 or my W-4 or any of those other letters that say ‘Important Tax Information” or “Reply Requested” or whatever. Better just to bring the whole year’s worth of unopened junk mail, bills, Dominoes coupons etc, with me.

The problem is, some of that shit could be literally anywhere by now. So I’d better make sure I’ve looked in every closet, under every bed, behind the couch…

You know, now I think about it, a really thorough house cleaning is probably the way to go. Two birds with one stone, right?

As a freelance writer, there are lots of expenses I can legitimately deduct, and I’ve pretty much kept track of them. But what’s the point of showing up at “Just Taxes” and sitting in some shitty plastic chair drinking instant coffee waiting for one of their seasonal CPA’s to ask me things I wouldn’t tell my own Mother if I haven’t figured out every possible deduction?

Think it through. Tools of the trade we know are deductible, so that’s the new computer and what I would have paid for all my pens if I’d bought them instead of taking them from work. But what about the stuff I do on the computer? Can I deduct my Internet service? I do all my research on the Internet.

And what about porno memberships? I’m writing about them right now, so that’s research too, right? And what about all the time I spend at work looking at porno? Isn’t my time worth something?

Sure it’s cheaper than H&R Block—a lot cheaper—but isn’t that kind of suspicious? Plus the place smells like Beefaroni and the computers all run off really long extension cords coming in through the back door. It can’t hurt to look the place up online.

And as long as I’m online, I should see if ‘Ask Jeeves’ knows if I can deduct online gambling losses if I write about them… which I just did.

And I should check if Abi has any new pics up. She thinks she’s so hot she doesn’t have to update. I mean why the hell should I pay for a membership if she’s not going to update?