Ten Things I Have To Do Before I Can File My Taxes

I mean, come on, right? Is life just about money and keeping track of it? Can’t I have a nice meal, see a sunset, walk on the beach? Fuck, am I just some sort of drone lumbering around a hive for no other reason than to do the fucking taxes and then get shoved outside by the Queen to die in the cold?

Screw that noise! The government is going to get its pound of my raw, bleeding flesh and make interest off it, have no doubts about that, my friend! Every moment it’s in their bank account and not mine is robbery. All you smug bastards filing in March and February and fucking January are just a bunch of happy Brown Shirts.

Look at all the books I’ve bought over the years, meaning to read, never getting to. “Ulysses”, “Gravity’s Rainbow”, “What Color is Your Parachute?”… The total tonnage of paper I’ve paid for is a crime by itself, and then you add on the wife constantly carping about how I only buy them so people who come to the house will think I’m the kind of guy who’d read that shit, Jesus! I mean she’s made it so I have to read them just to prove she’s wrong, right? And I have to do my taxes, that’s the law, Uncle Sam will lock me away and take all my stuff while I rot if I don’t.

So see, the beauty of it is, if I make an agreement with myself that I can’t file my taxes until I’ve read one of the big ass books, I’m golden.

I mean, they have them right? They have to. Like, say, suppose I was on my way to file my taxes and some kind of mad animal or robot something was menacing some old lady and I stepped in because I don’t let that kind of shit go down, and I end up getting my arm ripped off? There’s no way they’d expect me to have my taxes in on time, right? I mean, they’re in the street, totally illegible with arm blood and I’m being rushed to the hospital! So if they have extensions for shit like that, there I such a thing as getting an extension.

I mean, is it my fault they’re due in April? Who the hell’s idea is that, that’s like right the fuck after Christmas. I bet a lot of people don’t get them done on time. I mean, I know its commitment. I said I’ll do it and I’ll do it. Worse comes to worst, I can just put it all on next year’s taxes.

You can do that, right? I bet you can do that.