The 90 Greatest Mustaches of All Time

By Colt Brechtel

Many have donned one. Many have cultivated one. I am unable to grow one. But no one has ever, EVER, in the history of mankind attempted to comb through the great encyclopedia of humanity to rank them. But why rank 100 when you can lop ten off?

Ladies and Gentlemen: the Top Ninety Mustaches of All Time!

90: Jason Giambi- Steroids, bad for the balls, good for the stache.

89: Dr. Phil- “All those things you do that make your wife angry, you need to not do those.”

88: Walter Cronkite- The most trusted mustache in America.

87: Mel Gibson- Might have been responsible for that time when he did all that stuff.

86: John Cleese- And now for a stache completely different.

85: George Orwell- Big Brother won’t let him shave it and he has no problem with that.

84: Any Barbershop Quartet- mustache… mustache … mustache … MUSTACHE…

83: Carlos Santana- The stache wanted no part of the Rob Thomas duet.

82: Biker from The Village People- Believe it or not, the stache was totally straight.

81: Danny Glover- This stache is getting too old for this sh*t.

80: Pat O’Brien- I wanna f*ckin go crazy on that mustache.

79: Phil Jackson- Perfected the art of the triangle mustache.

78: Sean Penn - “People on ‘ludes should not grow mustaches!” - Jeff Spicoli

77: Wesley Snipes- A tragically underappreciated mustache constantly being upstaged by arm pit hair.

76: Walt Disney - A true OG. What’s with the Lost clue on the tie, though?

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154310 commentsThe+90+Greatest+Mustaches+of+All+Time2009-08-21+19%3A00%3A39Rosolio on “The 90 Greatest Mustaches of All Time”

Mike said: (Sunday 23 August, 2009 )
Awesome list. No Hitler?
Steve said: (Monday 24 August, 2009 )
No Zappa? I’m shocked.
phil leblanc said: (Wednesday 26 August, 2009 )
what! where is frank zappa?
you guys are dicks
Bryan said: (Wednesday 26 August, 2009 )
Frank Zappa omitted from this list? May weasels rip your flesh…
Pete L said: (Wednesday 26 August, 2009 )
What about Jeff “Skunk” Baxter????
Jester of the Apocalypse said: (Wednesday 26 August, 2009 )
Say what you want about Hitler, but he did accomplish one thing . . . that no one would wear his style of mustache for the next 1000 years!
Travis H said: (Thursday 27 August, 2009 )
What about Sarah Palin? You bunch of left wing biggots!!!
Mark M said: (Thursday 27 August, 2009 )
After viewing the first page, I looked through the rest to find Jamie Hyneman from Discovery Channel’s Mythbusters. He gets made fun of on the show for his ’stache and called a walrus frequently. Good list overall, though.
Ted said: (Monday 31 August, 2009 )
I cannot believe you missed one of the most famous ’staches, Dale Earnhart!
Cesar said: (Thursday 19 November, 2009 )
where’s Dali?

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