The annual Adult Entertainment Expo descends upon Las Vegas yet again this week, and while most of the attention will be showered  upon the well-regarded starlets who force our tongues into alliterative acrobatics each time we say names like Courtney Cummz, Dana Dearmond, and Kayden Kross; there are also the unsung “members” of the XXX business, without whose participation many orifices would go unfilled, many pleasures would go unknown, and many shots would be deemed unworthy of reimbursement. Yes, without male talent many adult films would consist solely of hot girl-on-girl action that would lead many male viewers to wonder, “where do I fit in?”

So it’s with this realization that we at National Lampoon have chosen to honor the male members of this industry for their achievements– not just in length, girth and thrustability– but rather for their clever turns of phrase when choosing a name. For when we were children we were taught pet’s name and street name was the way to go– but for every Reggie Cockswain, there was a Dutch Elm, or a Grover Norquist. These men have bucked that trend, mostly in favor of the phallic pun and a dash of realism– and for that we stand at attention and salute their honor.

So without further ado, National Lampoon presents its list of the  Top 11 Male Porn Names of All-Time.

11. James Deen

The lone gunman without a cocky moniker. It took a lot of balls for this current star of DVD, Blu-Ray and Internet to name himself after a 50′s film icon best known for his brooding good looks, whom also starred in a film called Giant. Bonus points for being able to tell people he gets name checked in Billy Joel’s ”We Didn’t Start the Fire” between Einstein and Brooklyn having a winning team.

10. Dale Dabone

Dale doesn’t really have a hidden meaning, but if any ladies want to take issue with that, they can get DaBone. Also, it’s just fun to say.

9. Peter North

Peter is an obvious euphemism for the male organ, and we’d like to imagine that the “North” part attributes compass-like abilities to that specific region–like if you get lost in the woods without any instruments, Peter North is a good guy to have around.

8. Seymour Butts

Seymour gains loads of credibility by referencing a popular gag name brought into the mainstream by The Simpsons. We bet he sees more lady butts than pretty much anyone you know.

7. Hugh Jorgen

Upon first glance “Hugh Jorgen” – veteran of only two adult films (thanks IAFDB)– has a name none too inspired, but say it out loud and you get it right away. No it’s not a church instrument that’s way too big. He’s talking about that thing in his pants!

6. Tommy Gunn

This star got his name from a weapon used by 1920′s gangsters. That Tommy Gun was known for its “ability to deliver large quantities of short-range automatic assault fire.” I tip my hat to you, sir. Well done.

5. Lexington Steele

This upstanding male member of the adult community has a name that sounds like he’s manufacturing sturdy, metal rods, beams and shafts to be used in the erection of large buildings.

4, Randy Spears

A lot of credit to Mr. Randy Spears for doubling up on the double entendre. Randy is widely known to mean “in the mood”–and Spears, well I guess you could equate that with the motion of his ocean. We imagine that when he goes cruising for ladies, he calls it “spear fishing.”

3. Dick Smothers Jr.

The most compelling evidence that this man was made to be in porn is that Dick Smothers Jr. is his real name. His dad is Dick Smothers of the famed comedy duo, The Smothers Brothers. We imagine his dad had more innocent intentions when naming him.

2. Dick Nasty

Adult film legend Dick Nasty has a name that doesn’t leave much to the imagination. He has a penis and he is going to do some perverted things with it. We applaud him for his honesty.

1. Jack Hammer

This is the guy that ruined coming up with a porn name for every other male performer. It doesn’t get any better than this (drops mic).

There you have it, National Lampoon’s list of best male porn names of all-time. However, we couldn’t leave without a few suggestions of our own for any people with promising penises or whatever. Enjoy:

Richard Drillhard Dickson- Hard to believe no one’s taken Tricky Dick to the sexual arena.

Chad the Total Dick- Because everyone you’ve ever met named Chad has been a total dick.

Cocky Balboa- This has gotta be a guy known for his endurance. Takes a licking and keeps on ticking.

Tim the Toolman Nailer- Whomever inhabits this home improvement-inspired moniker will probably call his favorite move “the power drill.”

Dick Butkus- Fish in a barrel. We could never believe a fearsome NFL linebacker had this name that’s more suited for naked athletics.

Karl Hungus- We’re not sure if this name is property of the writers of “The Big Lebowski” but we’d love to see a situation where he comes to fix the cable.

Tim Tebone- The ladies can beg to be Teboned all they want, but he’s going to make them pray for it.