Thomas Beatie Completes Third Junior Sequel
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It was happily announced yesterday that one Mr. Thomas Beatie gave birth to his third child, making him the first man to ever to push out little baby Beaties with semi-Octomomic fervor.
We remember the first time Mr. Beatie got knocked up and Oprah and her audience went all gaga over the story before she announced that pregnant men were her new favorite things and everyone in the audience would be going home with one. But before we continue to revel in the wonder that is male obstetrics, can we please acknowledge that Thomas Beatie’s ability to give birth is no more of a physical wonder than whatever your mom went through to have you, nor does it do anything to redefine traditional gender roles?
There’s only been one pregnant man ever. His name was Arnold Schwarzenegger and through the magic of prosthetics and additional Hollywood special effects, he gave birth in the movie Junior.
While we support Thomas Beatie’s right to give birth, identify as and be recognized as a man; all of the headlines celebrating the fact that as a “man” he’s been knocked up a trio of times make it seem as though he’s done so through the miracle of immaculate conception. It’s as if each child has spent nine months gestating in his vas deferens before following the birth canal through the male sex organ and bursting through an ever so tiny hole.
Thomas Beatie may be a man now, but he was born a woman and his insides are still very much womanly. Ladies, we know you have that dream of sexing your man up only to spend nine months waiting on your bloated and moody male counterpart as he sits on the couch watching sports and eating pickles and peanut butter all in anticipation of delivering you that daughter you’ve always wanted, but it’s just not going to work that way. That is…unless you find yourself a good man…a good man who used to be a woman. And don’t forget to fill him with your sperm. You’ve got sperm, right?
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