LeBron James

Considered by many to be the greatest basketball player on Earth, LeBron James tragically choked during the 2011 NBA finals. Turns out, though, that was just a metaphor.

Lou Reed

Shortly after his death, Metallica collaborated with Lou Reed’s corpse to make “Lulu,” a bizarre work of “anti-rock” that could only have been composed by a dead man. Maybe that’s mean. But Lou Reed literally does not give a shit what anybody says about him. Because he is dead. Ok, turns out not really.

Kanye West

It would be hard to pinpoint a precise date, but as 2011 went on it became more and more clear that the real Kanye West had been murdered, and replaced by an incredibly over-the-top Kanye West impersonator. Really, would the actual Kanye release his own ridiculous women’s fashion line, stroll down to support Occupy Wall Street in a $355 shirt, and repeatedly perform the same song 8-10 times in a row at concerts? Turns out, yes.

Simon Cowell

At some point this year we tuned in to American Idol, and there was no Simon Cowell! He wasn’t there! Was he DEAD? Turns out, he was just on another, similar show. ONE THAT NOBODY CARED ABOUT. Burn!

Charlie Sheen

In 2011, Charlie Sheen and his cocaine briefcase packed all of America on board his own personal Crazy Ship and set a course straight for the heart of the sun. Tiger blood, machetes, torpedoes, live tours, and then…. nothing. Silencio. Was he dead? Had his heart exploded? Had he literally ingested himself? Turns out, he just kind of took it easy for a while.

Richard Branson

Ok, so this is cheating a little bit – we never thought he ACTUALLY died; we were just always kind of expecting to hear that he had. In our defense, he did burn down his private island estate shortly after accidentally swimming into the mouth of a whale. We don’t have anything to add to this.

Oprah Winfrey

On May 25th, Oprah Winfrey ended her iconic show. Her work done, her purpose complete, she then transubstantiated her living essence to an existential plane far beyond this dim blue orb with its straggling mass of warring men. Or so we thought. Turns out, she’s on cable now, still here on Earth with us.

Santa Claus

For a while there we thought that this was our year, that this was the year when the War on Christmas succeeded in finally killing off this oppressive religious ritual and its demonic red-clad champion. But then, right at the very end of 2011, Christmas (and Santa!) came roaring back into our lives, like a drunken uncle stumbling out of the tiny bathroom over there by the kitchen screaming “More gifts!!” and reeking of mulled wine. Santa lives!

Osama bin Laden

Earlier this year, we learned that in May of 2011 the U.S. Naval Special Warfare Development Group, a.k.a. DEVGRU, a.k.a. SEAL Team Six, flew into Osama bin Laden’s Abbottabad compound at night in STEALTH HELICOPTERS, SCALED THE WALLS OF HIS COMPOUND, entered it, and BLEW HIM AWAY. They then dumped his body in the ocean where no one would ever find it and returned home IN TRIUMPH. Turns out, this TOTALLY HAPPENED. FUCK, YES.

Keith Richards

J/K! We never thought Keith Richards died. Keith Richards will never die. Keith Richards is the goddamned Highlander.

To everyone out there who’s still alive:

Happy New Year!