Welcome to Canada, Eh?

by Matt Blair and Justin Skinner

Hey, buddy! Canada here! We were all really excited when we heard aboot all you Democrats moving up here after the Christian Conservatives took over your country.

But it’s been like a month, now, eh? We figured maybe you got stuck in traffic at first. But now we think maybe you’re not coming after all. We wouldn’t want to be pushy or anything, but have you given us a fair shot?

Even though we’re right next door, most Americans don’t know anything aboot Canada. (And we’re cool with that. We wouldn’t want to impose. We’re probably not that interesting anyway. How are you doing?)

The truth is, though, Canada has a lot to offer an American Liberal. Check it out:

Canada: Your Liberal Valhalla

Worried about the erosion of your civil liberties under the Patriot Act? In Canada, we protect the privacy of our citizens. Not because it’s illegal—we just think it’s polite to mind our own business.

Not that it matters anyway, because it’s almost impossible to commit a crime here! Check out all the great stuff that you can get away with!

Drugs
Prescriptions and over-the-counter remedies are as plentiful as snow and mittens here. One of our beers is like ten of your beers! Even marijuana is legal. Not heroin or anything-but if that’s a dealbreaker for you, we could probably make it legal within the year.

Welfare
If you’re out of work, we’ll help you out with the rent. If you’re disabled, we’ll help you lead a normal life. If you’re lazy and just don’t feel like getting a job, we’ll probably look the other way. Alright!

Naked Breasts
We’re not even joking-you can totally walk around topless. Not that anybody ever does, of course, other than hairy old men. It’s freezing up here, for God’s sake. Actually, as long as you’re coming to Canada, do you think you could bring some of those girls who went wild along with you?

Same-Sex Marriages
Finally, you and your same-sex partner won’t have to live in sin. Worried that Jesus might disapprove? Forget about it, buddy! In Canada, we’ve forsaken god!

Abortion
Abortion isn’t just legal in Canada-it’s mandatory for every Canadian girl on her 16th birthday. Plus, with every abortion you get a free dinner for two coupon at Appleby’s.

Late Fees
Don’t want to return that video on time? Keep it an extra week! Who’s going to get in your face about it? Some Canadian?