Welcome to Canada, Eh?

Free Healthcare, eh!

One of the few things that actually interest Americans about Canada is our free healthcare. But most Americans don’t really know how it works. How does it work?

Through Communism!

Canadians pay a preposterously high amount of tax on every single thing we buy. The government takes half of everybody’s paycheck and taxes all of our products. Canadians put all our money in a jar. If one of us gets sick, the medical bills get paid from that jar. It’s sort of like a lottery. If you get cancer, you win!

Even after the government takes all of our money, though, free healthcare is still too expensive to maintain. To help out, Canada pays our doctors about the same as we pay our garbagemen. This ensures that our prices stay low, and also that our best doctors move to America. Ever worked at a company that was so incompetently run that all the talented people left, and the only people who stuck around were the ones who couldn’t get a job anywhere else? Now imagine all those people with stethoscopes!

On the bright side, just about every medical procedure, physical therapy or unnecessary surgery you can imagine is free. If it itches, we’ll scratch it. If you want a haircut, our doctors will do it with a smile. Our doctors are even obligated to give you a foot massage if you ask. It doesn’t even matter what else they might be doing at the time; they are federally mandated to drop everything. And let me tell you, they are heavenly!

Language

Most of Canada speaks English, though there are subtle differences between Canadian and American English. For instance:

Canada’s other official language is French, though only a small portion of the population speaks it. For those of you who are-rightfully- wary of the French, they’re easy to spot even when they aren’t speaking. They’re the ones who smell like cheese and for whom the rest of Canada is perpetually apologizing.

Currency

Canadian money isn’t worth as much as real American money. Our dollar is worth roughly 83 American cents. Of course, that number’s going up all the time, thanks to the global stock market’s complete lack of confidence in the American economy. Which is bad news for your country, but what the hell do you care? You’re a Canadian now! Start reaping the slight and temporary economic benefits!

Another thing that we’ve got here is jobs, and plenty of them! And not just moose herding and snow shoveling jobs, but several real jobs in modern industries. No matter what your skills or ambitions, you can come to Canada and fulfill your potential in the career of your choice. Not that you even have to-did we mention our awesome welfare system? You can stay at home and watch imported American television all day for all we care!

Holidays

Canadians have the exact same holidays as America, just at different times. For instance, you celebrate Thanksgiving in November.

We celebrate it in October. At Christmastime, Americans worship Santa Claus and offer gifts to appease him. In Canada, it’s the same ceremony, except that we worship Ba’al.

Conclusion

Canada has been painted by some conservatives as a modern-day Gomorrah. We don’t have the Bible up here though, so we don’t really have any idea what that means. Either way, don’t believe them-we’re a very courteous and polite people. Remember when Michael Moore visited Canada in Bowling for Columbine and found a nation of fun-loving, trusting people who don’t carry guns and never lock their doors? Well, like everything in every Michael Moore film, that depiction was completely accurate, unbiased, and in no way skewed to serve his argument. It just so happens that we are that easy-going and polite. Oh, and all of the stuff you’ve heard about snowshoes, Eskimos and beavers is true too. I mean, what the hell, right?

In the end, Canadian culture isn’t all that different from American culture. In fact, we enjoy many of your cultural exports! We read your books, watch your television shows, listen to your records, and eat your snack foods. Basically, coming to Canada is like going on vacation in a foreign country, and spending the whole week in your hotel room watching pay-per-view American movies. Except with a lot less nudity and foul language, because it’s way too cold and we’re far too polite.

See you soon, eh!