Wendell Admits to Murderous Rage

by MaryKate Linehan

In a surprise move, Wendell, famed Cinnamon Toast Crunch mascot, admitted in detail to the brutal slayings of fellow bakers Bob and Quello.

Since 1992, Bob and Quello vanished from boxes and commercials, leaving Wendell to inherit sole recognition for this popular General Mills cereal. Upon the brand’s introduction in 1984, the three bakers were hired in order to compete with Kellogg’s Rice Krispie’s trio Snap, Crackle, and Pop but failed to attain the same notoriety. Before they could renegotiate their contracts, Bob and Quello disappeared before anything was adjusted.

Bob and Quello were known for their provocative behavior and General Mills allegedly kept all three because Wendell was perceived as a lame, old fat guy.

“Bob and Quello were all about the sex and money. Let’s just say there was a lot of cocaine involved,” says Toucan Sam.

After their disappearance, Wendell claimed that he knew that Bob was sleeping with Quello’s secret lover, a post-op Crackle, implying that this was a murder-suicide. The case was soon dropped because their bodies were never found.

Earlier this week, a Trix cereal box was discovered outside the Los Angeles Police Department containing a bloody wooden spoon and a photograph of a terrified Bob bound to the conveyer belt within the Cinnamon Toast Crunch factory. Two days later, a phone call was made to officials that another cereal box, Lucky Charms, was on the side of the highway near General Mills headquarters.

This box included a document, which described in gruesome detail the murder of Quello and how his cadaver added those sparkling swirls to every bite.

“It was obvious at this point to call Wendell into questioning. Upon arrival he admitted to their murders proudly referring to them as his “projects,” says insider.

Wendell claimed that the human flavor was the secret ingredient within Cinnamon Toast Crunch. He also confessed that he had been murdering prostitutes for years but nothing compared to the taste of Bob and Quello. He also admitted to the murder of Dunkaroo’s mascot Duncan the Dunking Daredevil.

He will spend the rest of his days at General Mills Psychiatric Ward along with other degenerate Mascots like Cookie Crisp Crook and Count Chocula. For now, Mr. T is the top candidate to replace Wendell as the new mascot for Cinnamon Toast Crunch.