What to Watch for in iPhone OS 4.0

8 June 2009 View Comments

By NatLamp Staff
National Lampoon is the leading provider of sophomoric humor, follow us at @nationallampoon

In a live conference anxiously watched by nerds and nerds alike, Apple released the innovative new features in iPhone’s 3.0 software, which will be released in coming weeks along with the new iPhone 3GS. But there were quite a few that were missed by the online community. So here’s a list of what to expect in iPhone 4.0:

iAmADick: Whenever you answer your iPhone, your ringtone will say: I Am A Pretentious Dick! Look at me! so you don’t have to.

iBuse: Why hit your kids when you can remotely cause their iPhones to vibrate at levels comparable to Viet Cong interrogation practices?

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iNewOne: New iPhones will be outfitted with a countdown to this generation’s product obsolescence. With minute and hour displays.

iCera: At the click of a button, all your incoming calls will sound nervous, dryly sarcastic, and on minute 14 of a 15 minute career. Strangely enough, if Michael Cera calls you, it’ll sound like James Earl Jones.

iCutter: An exacto-knife adapter so anxty teens can cut themselves to the dulcet tones of My Chemical Romance.

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iPlanB: Will emit high levels of radiation to instantly kill any sperm proximity (not an intentional feature)

iDrop: Immediately reduces the friction of the iPhone’s casing, guaranteeing it will fall out of your hand. Forty square feet of studded steel flooring installation will be included with the upgrade.

iFork: iPhones will be outfitted with an eating tool on the top. It cannot be removed. (iSpork still years away)

iKnowItAll: A 200 decibel speaker that will shout the answer when anyone in a thirty foot radius can’t remember something and needs to look it up.

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iShouldn’tCallThatChick: Safety measure to keep drunken users from texting or calling their exes in the middle of the night. Can be disabled if you, “Dude, seriously, really f*cking love her.”

iLitist: Screens incoming calls from non-iPhone users. Recipients will receive a text message letting them know with whom they can no longer be friends.

iWhizzinator: Prosthetic penis for use in heavily monitored drug tests. Clean urine not included.

Written by Colt Brechtel, Thane Economou, Jocelyn Richard, and Mike Rosolio
Images by Kris Hanson

Posted in articles

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kat

do you think i could get that icera feature for my samsung??
jack

Maybe if you guys had a better job than writing dumb articles for this website you could afford an iphone. Virgins.
natlamp

@ Jack: Dude, we work in the entertainment industry. There are more iPhones in our office than you have pubes.
Delia

What we all need is the iHammer, a solid steel, USA made tool with comfort grip hammer, that is brought down directly on that glass touch screen and making the iPhony become iBits. And this should be done every time one of those yuppie phones shows its pitiful "face" around.
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