Sandwiches: How Not To Ruin Them

by Colt Brechtel

There is nothing funny about sandwiches. The only thing remotely funny about the lunch item is this classic joke:

Why is it that you will you never starve at the beach?
Because of all the sand-which-is there.

By now, half of you have stopped reading this article, but I want to let the world know that I f*cking love sandwiches. The concept is so simple, and yet there are so many possibilities. Surely, you can tell that I have no academic background or professional training in the art of sandwich crafting. I’m just a guy that eats them all the time. By all means, I have no business acting as an authority on the very personal process of sandwich creation and I do not intend to force you into thinking my way. Still, I believe that I can provide some very useful advice on how to make the most out of your meal.

Too often, I see men and women wasting the potential of their groceries. The passion is there, the desire to create an enjoyable meal is there, but something goes wrong with the execution. I hope that you will continue on with me as I explore the many ways to not ruin a sandwich.

Bread: The Outer Walls of the Sandwich

Conventional wisdom tells you to always make your sandwiches on wheat bread because it is the healthiest option. Wheat bread is hit or miss though. Sometimes it will have a good taste and texture other times it will not. Don’t use breads that have a ton grains and seeds mixed into it because they are kind of ridiculous and don’t taste very good. Rye is a tasty bread. So is sourdough. Try to broaden your horizons instead of just eating plain white bread. Sure it tastes good, but you look like a four year old when you eat it.

Recently, the trend is to toast sandwiches to make them hot and melty. Toasting the bread only works out in a few cases. The majority of the time, the bread becomes too hard. You go to bite into it and the back of your gums get shredded in the process. Soft bread is far better because it works like a pillow for the rest of your food.

Meat: The Powerhouse of the Sandwich

It is my belief that a sandwich has to have meat on it. Grilled cheese and veggie sandwiches are not sandwiches, they are embarrassments. The only exception is peanut butter based sandwiches, which I will address later in this article.

Never use bologna. Bologna can probably be put to good use in dog food or chemical warfare, but it has no business in a quality sandwich. I bought a pack of bologna recently because it was nutritionally sound and about a tenth the price of the meat I regularly buy. I discovered that there is a reason why it is so inexpensive. Bologna tastes like pieces of Styrofoam blended with a rat meat paste. If you can keep it down in your stomach, be proud that you have lived a less sheltered life than I.

Many people don’t put enough meat on their sandwich. My policy is to throw on about five times more meat than seems logical. The best sandwiches are the ones that have slices of cold cuts overflowing and drooping over the sides of the bread. Good choices for deli meat are turkey, chicken, roast beef, pastrami, salami, and pepperoni. Steak is also fantastic for sandwiches, but few have the means to make it happen. Bacon is a good addition, but it needs to be crispy. It’s okay to combine different meats, but some people get overzealous and try to mix too many into one sandwich. This is a big mistake. Certain things do not go together no matter how much you enjoy them separately. The combination of salmon, peanut butter, and roast beef is one such example.

Cheese: The Regulating Apparatus of the Sandwich

There are only a handful of cheeses that actually taste good. They are cheddar cheese, cream cheese, and pepper jack cheese. All the rest are just variations of goo. When you put cheese on a sandwich, make sure it is in solid form and thinly sliced (forego the “cutting the cheese” joke). There is nothing fun about biting into a massive dairy brick in the left corner. Do not overdo the cheese, it is gross.

Vegetables: The Cushion of the Sandwich

Don’t put lettuce on your sandwich. Lettuce is a nothing vegetable. It’s just for show and makes its way onto sandwiches solely on tradition. You’d be just as well off putting a couple drops of water in the middle of the sandwich. If you feel like you must put lettuce on, at least make sure it is crisp in texture so that there is a little bit of crunch. A soft leaf of lettuce is like decaffeinated coffee. It’s pointless. I encourage you to try alfalfa sprouts (though they look like sperm in grass form) or bean sprouts as a delicious alternative.

Tomatoes (technically a fruit, but they’re going into this category regardless) do great things for a sandwich. However, there is a lot of liquid in a tomato slice and it could compromise the sandwich if you don’t eat it immediately. If you are packing away a sandwich to be eaten at a later time, the tomato slices will make the bread soggy and gross and you will not be happy.

Some other great vegetable additions are onions, jalapeno peppers, cucumbers (pickled or plain), and radishes. Always be cautious about the pungency of your vegetables and have breath mints and gum around at all times.

Condiments: The Lubricant of the Sandwich

Stay away from mayonnaise. Mayo is a terrible spread that does very little aside from making the sandwich really wet. Ask any mayonnaise user what their precious serum tastes like and they won’t know what to tell you. My best description is curdled milk with a little bit of lard. Delicious.

Mustard is a very tasty and fairly healthy condiment that can be used on a wide variety of sandwiches. Barbecue sauce works well on select sandwiches, usually ones that incorporate a beef product. Some people put horseradish on their sandwiches and claim that they like the taste. In reality, these people are trying to impress others by eating something considered spicy.

If you want something spicy that also tastes good, you cannot go wrong with hot sauce. Hot sauce will provide aid to just about every sandwich out there. In my opinion, these are the big three: Tabasco, Tapatio, and Frank’s Red Hot. Don’t be afraid to add a generous amount. People will claim that you are ruining your sandwich by drowning it in a sea of red, but these ulcer-less buffoons are just jealous of your style.

Salt and Pepper: The Unwanted Guest of the Sandwich

Don’t use salt or pepper on your sandwich.

It’s insulting.

Peanut Butter Sandwiches: The Exception to the Rule

The peanut butter based sandwich belongs in a category of its own. These sandwiches are almost dessert like in how sweet and delicious they are. For all of these, be sure to use regular, creamy peanut butter and not crunchy or organic. I believe there is a ton of sugar and fat in your name brand peanut butter, but it is worth it. Of course, the classic is the peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Grape is still the best jelly for the job, although boysenberry is also delicious if you can get your hands on it.

There are a handful of non-conventional peanut butter sandwiches that are even tastier than the PB&J. The peanut butter banana sandwich (made famous by Elvis Presley, ) is superb. The Fluffernutter is peanut butter and marshmallow creme sandwich. It is a shockingly pleasant experience. Finally, try making a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. It tastes like a Reese’s cup, but with a hint of delicious hazelnut. Keep in mind though that these sandwiches are extremely addictive. If you eat them regularly, you ass will become just as fluffy and soft as they are.

Of course, I have left out several great sandwiches like the hamburger (which is iffy because of the whole bun situation), the Panini, the open face sandwich and the ice cream sandwich. I decided to just stick with what I know and what most accurately reflects my eating tendencies. Whether you agree with my viewpoint or not, I would like to thank you for taking time out of your day to think about one of our nation’s favorite meals. If you’d like to learn more about sandwiches, take a look at the sandwich entry on Wikipedia or just talk to one of the employees at your local Subway or Quiznos. They will be happy to slow down the line and answer all of your questions about the origins and history of the sandwich.

And seriously, don’t buy bologna unless you truly hate yourself and your life.