Few joys on God’s earth compare to the delight of seeing a woman naked for the first third any time. When a lady chooses to reveal herself to a man, she gives him a sensual gift that says, “I am doing this for the money.”
How terribly cynical, then, to learn that Lindsay Lohan‘s Playboy spread, which hit stand recently, was intended not to sate the internet’s obsession with redheads, but to help cover the legal costs of what I can’t be bothered to look up, …

The better class of parentage has long known the best way of putting Baby into deep and perhaps, indeed, permanent sleep is to mix whiskey in with its bottle of warm milk. Unfortunately, this has led to inordinate percentages, with the milk itself considered but an afterthought. The whiskey you feed your baby says a lot about your parenting personality, and just as there are many kinds of drunk, there are many kinds of baby. Both are unpleasant people.
Jack Daniels – A favorite of hard-partying rockstars, this is the whiskey …

The Smurfs could have been fun
But it is not
 

Count my grammatical errors! There’s at least one in the Super Mario line.
Brendan McGinley makes webcomics when not writing for National Lampoon, Cracked, MTV, and Maxim. Yes, he is part of the problem.

Jan. the 10th, 1921
Dearest Mother—
I write now to inform you of recent events concerning my relocation to the city. My furnishings, though spare, are not wanting, save for the army of mice which nibble nightly my toenails. I consider this minor annoyance a fair trade for the time saved me in grooming, and am enclosing two in this envelope as a convenient device.
Work has begun building a statue of our overlord Xenu,* twelve stories at the eye, and constructed to expel fire from the maw every day at lunchtime. I …

America, we need to talk.
In just a few short hours, Prince William the Charming of the House of Tudor Pain Windsor? is set to marry his fetching young bride, Kate Commoner. Expectations run high for the event, with a record-breaking audience and Aslan himself rumored to be officiating. The former is what has the people who love you worried: you’re a little too into this royal wedding thing.
I know, you only get a couple of these in a generation, and you want to savor the fairytale. But there’s a word …