Entries by Connor McCausland


Some Pre-Existing Conditions The GOP Will Accept

Slimy skin Tightass Sunburn from an “All Lives Matter” protest Blindness/deafness from head-in-sand Lizard breath Weakspine Empathy deficiency Myopia Secret homosexuality projected as homophobia Tennis elbow Golf knee Lacrosse butt Ears still ringing from hearing hip-hop two weeks ago Being a wussy (Celiac disease) Having a son who only got accepted to Cornell Acute Stress […]


Bill O’Reilly’s Unused Final Monologue

So apparently the brass here at fucking Fox FUCKING News says that I’m outta here, giving Billy boy the old boot. Something about “not having the budget” and “you harassed upwards of six women”. What the fucking bullshit liberal fucking crap is this? I’m from Long Island. We harass people. Hello?! It’s what we DO. […]


I’m 99% Sure I Just Had Sex With My First Robot

It’s 0:04am. The year is 2075. The place is the city of Chicago 2, United States of Etc. My name? Yundar Mables. My story? I just had sex with a…new type of lover, and now…I’m dealing with it. Why, you might ask, am I telling you these details of time and setting? I’m not sure. […]


Dead Sea Scroll Excerpts That Seem To Suggest Jesus Also Made Great Hummus

Cave #1, Scroll #2, Section II:   The man known as Jesus arrived in Galilee and soaked the [chickpeas] in the pure, clean water of the Sea, drawing an enamored crowd of faithful Jews and pagans alike. He gracefully emulsified the simple bean into a mixture of oil from Judean olives, juice of the lemon, […]


Does The Mile High Club Still Count if My Plane Has Been Missing Since 2014?

Guess what, man? I totally did it! Mile high club, baby! Yes! I just got LAID in the bathroom of this regularly-scheduled international passenger flight operated by Malaysia Airlines. Which reminds me: she was Asian! And we’re irrevocably lost in the fabric of time, as you may or may not have heard.   So apparently […]