DUBLIN
Well, Evan, we made it through awards season relatively unscathed. Do you even remember who won? Exactly. We’ve now entered an odd time of the year. There’s no football to occupy our time, no Kardashians have gotten married lately, and Jennifer Aniston’s most recent movie bombed, so everything seems to be going along according to the status quo. Sure, Snooki is pregnant, but the world somehow keeps spinning anyway. There is one thing that’s kicked up recently, though, that’s fired up the GOP and turned into quite the little brouhaha….and …

KESSLER
Scientists, cashiers, plumbers; the list of professional people who are good at their jobs goes on and on, but it doesn’t matter because most of those people are total nobodies who’d still look ugly in free designer clothes and expensive jewelry. They may have a certain knack for performing the menial tasks that make the world spin round, but pretty much nothing they do is good enough to be recognized this awards season, so who needs ‘em. Yes, it’s early February and the act of handing out congratulatory celebrity accolades …

KESSLER
It’s fairly common to hear human beings claim satisfaction with their natural outward appearance given the reasoning that “beauty is in the eye of the beholder” or that “we’re all god’s creatures” and “we should be happy with what the lord gave us.” But such pious malarkey is of precious little comfort to those stricken with offensive countenances accented by repulsive features that make others turn their heads in disgust. Often such hideous creatures are drawn to renounce their faith in traditional monotheistic customs and turn to another ritual, …

KESSLER
It is said that the greatest stories ever told plumb the depths of imagination and transcend all space and time. It’s also said that the greatest stories ever told get even greater when they’re in your face! Yes, those of us with imaginations lacking in dimension who don’t really value space all that much, have gone absolutely mad for the thrill of seeing things in 3D! If, like me, you’re of the not-so-rare breed that would rather your sense of personal space be unnecessarily impinged upon for the sake of …

KESSLER
Time is slowly running out on 2011. It’s only a matter of days/hours until we close the book on the final full year of existence before our inevitable demise. And yet as the baton is passed from December to January, hope springs eternal for the romantically-inclined among us. For that midnight hour where the 31st and 1st meet represents a crossroads where all our efforts from the previous twelve months collide with our wishes for the next 12. And there’s no better way to seal the annual deal and start …

KESSLER
The weather outside may be frightful, but the music associated with this time of year is absolutely delightful. Who amongst us hasn’t bopped their head up and down with the tune “Grandma Got Run Over by a Reindeer” bouncing around our brain and thought to ourselves, “this music puts me in such high spirits!”
While most of the year we listen to musicians whine about how they didn’t have sex with some lady with loose morals who they met at the club (rock, dance or strip) on a Friday night, or …

*as suggested in a comment on our second column from Paul Myers (@pulmyears)*

KESSLER
Flying. Mother nature might have meant it for birds, bees, and airborne disease, but like a white teenager co-opting the word “phat” in the 1990’s, we humans have adapted to it quite well. While hummingbirds have to flap their wings at a frantic pace to get from point A to point B, all we humans have to endure is the fat guy next to us, a screaming child one aisle over, and infrequent “cropdustings” at the hands …

KESSLER
Well, we finally did it. Miss Dublin and I finally agreed on the perfect actual topic– and just in time for the holiday season. This Friday millions of people will embrace their Jesus-given right as Americans to press themselves against the entryway to their favorite department store in the hopes of getting their hands on gold, frankincense, and the latest XBox games to bestow upon their blessed relatives, various loved ones, and people they have to acknowledge so there’s no awkward silences at holiday gift-giving time. To paraphrase Mallrats’ Brodie …

KESSLER
Well, congratulations to myself and a Miss Tara Dublin. We got our first column out of the way and nobody got hurt feelings–wise. Well, I can’t speak for my esteemed colleague over on the left coast, but I never had to apply any tissue to sop up any tears. I did have a carpal tunnel flare up, but that just goes with the territory.

We also came up with a name for the column thanks to NOT OUR READERS. Seriously, you guys came up with nothing but positively lame suggestions. One …

HE SAID
Just the other day, a fine idea was posed to me by a Miss Tara Dublin via the twittersphere. I don’t remember her exact wording (I suppose I could look it up), but the sentiment could best be conveyed with the inquiry, “why don’t we do a he said/she said column for National Lampoon?” Needless to say, I was immediately intrigued by the possibility and set the wheels into motion.
And so we find ourselves here, at the very inception of our online battle of reason and wit betwixt the …