EL SEGUNDO, CALIFORNIA—Acne medication company Proactiv today announced a new Humbling Cream, which gives pimples to cool kids so they’ll grow up to be nice. “It’s tough to be a teenager” said a Proactiv spokesperson, “and even tougher when you’ve got pimples. By giving acne to formerly smooth-skinned cool kids, we’re ensuring that they’ll experience enough […]
About Jonathan Zeller
Jonathan Zeller is a writer, editor and comedian who’s contributed to McSweeney’s, The New York Times, and Teen Vogue.
Entries by Jonathan Zeller
WASHINGTON, DC – A new report by the federal Department of Nihilism (DON) has found that nothing matters anyway. “Furthermore,” says the report’s text, “the Department of Nihilism does not need to exist, nor does anything else.” The study, the last for outgoing Secretary of Nihilism Andrew Cartwright, confirms the findings of every annual […]
The first football was built as part of a New Deal–era jobs program in which American workers designed balls in confusing, impractical shapes. Networks started airing Sunday football telecasts because they had trouble selling beer commercials during religious programming. The first football game was played at Rutgers University, and you’d think they’d do better with […]
WASHINGTON — One week after the more publicized Women’s March on Washington, a demonstration held in the nation’s capital sought to highlight issues of importance to another constituency: Steven O’Neill, 36, of Oceanside, New York. “For far too long,” said O’Neill, “my concerns have been ignored by the government.” March organizers, who are Steven, say their demands […]
1. Cold out/hot out/regular temperature out. 2. These are good flushers. 3. What a week/can’t believe it’s only Tuesday/humpday!/Happy Friday. 4. [Act like you don’t see the person next to you]. 5. Guess what I’m doing. 6. Do you think there’s a God? 7. I just stand here and pretend to pee for thirty seconds […]