Entries by Jonathan Zeller


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11 Amazing Last Minute Tax Hacks

Taxes are due on April 18, but there’s no need to stress. We’re here to share some little-known tax hacks that will make paying Uncle Sam easier.   1) You can deduct the portion of your home used for worrying about taxes. Multiply the square footage of the space by the proportion of your year […]

News On The March
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Proactiv Introduces Humbling Cream, Which Gives Pimples to Cool Kids

EL SEGUNDO, CALIFORNIA—Acne medication company Proactiv today announced a new Humbling Cream, which gives pimples to cool kids so they’ll grow up to be nice. “It’s tough to be a teenager” said a Proactiv spokesperson, “and even tougher when you’ve got pimples. By giving acne to formerly smooth-skinned cool kids, we’re ensuring that they’ll experience enough […]

News On The March
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Department of Nihilism Study Finds That Nothing Matters Anyway

WASHINGTON, DC – A new report by the federal Department of Nihilism (DON) has found that nothing matters anyway. “Furthermore,” says the report’s text, “the Department of Nihilism does not need to exist, nor does anything else.”   The study, the last for outgoing Secretary of Nihilism Andrew Cartwright, confirms the findings of every annual […]

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Incredible Football Facts!

The first football was built as part of a New Deal–era jobs program in which American workers designed balls in confusing, impractical shapes. Networks started airing Sunday football telecasts because they had trouble selling beer commercials during religious programming. The first football game was played at Rutgers University, and you’d think they’d do better with […]

News On The March
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Steven’s March on Washington Highlights Issues of Importance to Steven

WASHINGTON — One week after the more publicized Women’s March on Washington, a demonstration held in the nation’s capital sought to highlight issues of importance to another constituency: Steven O’Neill, 36, of Oceanside, New York. “For far too long,” said O’Neill, “my concerns have been ignored by the government.” March organizers, who are Steven, say their demands […]

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9 Great Urinal Conversation Topics

1. Cold out/hot out/regular temperature out. 2. These are good flushers. 3. What a week/can’t believe it’s only Tuesday/humpday!/Happy Friday. 4. [Act like you don’t see the person next to you]. 5. Guess what I’m doing. 6. Do you think there’s a God? 7. I just stand here and pretend to pee for thirty seconds […]