Entries by Kit Lively


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Signs That You’re At A Crummy Garage Sale

1) Knick knacks are in a box marked as “evidence”. 2) They didn’t mow the lawn before setting up, and their biggest selling item is insect and small rodent repellent. 3) All Velcro items for sale must be removed from their display: the family uncle’s shirtless, hairy back. 4) Customers are allowed to “try out” […]

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Daily Gaffermations with Sean Spicer

(Sean Spicer looks into the mirror as he begins to speak. Unable to meet his own gaze, he instead stares over his own shoulder in the reflection. He is unkempt, and appears troubled.) You’re going to have a great press conference today! And you’re going to help this country. You’re good enough, smart enough, and […]

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HighKu’s

The assignment was given our subjects: Ingest one of several inebriating elixirs and then attempt to write a haiku. The results: Er…pretty much what you would expect… Alcohol Getting drunk again, It feels really nice at first. Crap! Who fingered me? Heroin Nice warm fluid rush, Not a care in the entire world. What tastes […]

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Vacation Hotel Tips!

1) Most inexpensive motels don’t have room service, but that homeless guy in the parking lot will probably run to Wendy’s for you. 2) When traveling with the wife and kids to a moderately priced hotel, be sure to request a “No Molesting / No Snuff Movies Filmed Here” room. 3) Accidentally swallowing a used […]

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Budget Cut Reading List

Trump’s budget cuts will no doubt have a negative effect on this country’s juvenile detention centers, which means that the quality of the literature donated to these facilities may suffer quite a bit as well. As proof, here’s this year’s approved list of assigned reading materials from current state-run juvenile detention centers: Teabagging Gwynn by […]

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Most Hilarious White House Pranks!

President Gerald Ford, a master tightrope artist who performed for years early in his adult years with The Flying Wallendas, pranked the American people by years by faking a clumsy nature. First Lady Nancy Reagan was quite the jokester, using the prank-loving holiday to rearrange the furniture in the bedroom she shared with the President […]

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Press Conference From The Discarded Crayola Crayon, Dandelion

“Okay, first off, yes, I am drunk. Very drunk. Drunk to the point of being quite ill. So if I appear a bit green around the edges, that’s why. And hey, since green and yellow combine to make brown, I guess that I shouldn’t be surprised that I’m being kicked out of the box. That’s […]

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Brexit Up Is Hard To Do

The Five Stages of Grief Following a Bad Break-Up / Planned Withdrawal 1) Denial– “I know that we’re leaving Europe, but we’re not really leaving leaving. We can still be friends, to start. And then, who knows? Maybe we can get together again some day. I feel like Europe will always be there for us, […]

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The 8 Most Important Features of Samsung’s New Galaxy S8

We received the new Samsung Galaxy S8 phone just the other day, and it filled our offices with excitement! Well, “filled the office” might be the wrong term, as we actually had to evacuate the offices upon realizing that we had received a package from Samsung. And “excitement” might not be exactly right either. But […]

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Things We Learned From The New Spider-Man Trailer

Robert Downey Jr. may very well be able to act his way out of a paper bag, but a large robotic suit is another story. Michael Keaton in a fluffy fur collar makes him appear either terrifying, or like the old queen who really shouldn’t still be hanging out at the club. You can still […]

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Spring Broke: Your Cheap Destination Guide

(Your Guide To Fun, Inexpensive Places To Visit For Spring Breakers On A Budget) Crime scenes If you’re living in the type of neighborhood that the average college student can afford, then your part of town probably has several active crime scenes, maybe even next door! The real motivation behind spring break is having a […]

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Missing Excerpts From JFK’s Diary

JFK’s handwritten diary is going up for auction, and after years, missing pages have been found to complete this piece of history of the famed 35th President.     March 16th, 1961: Diary, today is an amazing day! I’ve only been the leader of this great country for a bit more than a month, and […]

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Welcome to The Wire-Tap! The DC Area’s Premiere Beer Garden.

Menu Bar Snacks Sleeping With The Ene~meatballs If we’re being honest, the meatballs are usually a bit undercooked. But we slather them in so much Russian dressing, literally drenched in Russian dressing, that you’ll barely be able to taste the meatballs anyway. $9.50 Pencing A Loaf Not much to this, quite frankly. A plain loaf […]

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Lepre-Caan’s St. Patrick’s Day Tips

No Pushing And Shoving At The Bar! A snub-nosed 38 pressed into a rib-cage is so much more effective. Fighting Is No Way To Spend Any Holiday Let those other jokers tire themselves out with drunken brawling, then you can swoop in and steal their broads. Offer Aid To Those Who Are Confused And Sick […]

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Signs That You Have March Madness

Seemingly are running a high fever, but in actually have simply been standing too close to the restaurant’s food-warmer heating lamps while impatiently waiting for your wings. You pile your unwashed underwear onto your tv room floor while watching games, so that you can capture some of that genuine locker room aroma. While lovemaking, you […]

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Hip and Edgy Comic Strip Reboots

Riverdale, the hip, edgy, sexually ambiguous retooling of the Archie Comics Universe, has proven to be a huge hit! This is yet more evidence that most people aren’t too choosy about what they watch, which we already knew, and also means that we’ll probably be seeing plenty of similar shows popping up very soon. So […]

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Sessions Lessons

YOU can be as great of a liar as Jeff Sessions!!   It’s true!!    Or, false….?    And it’s easy!   At least, he seems to have no trouble doing it nonstop. Jeff Sez:  “Gwan now!  S’easy, n fun, to tull tall tay-uls, wun nawn cun stan wut yer sayin’.   Yegettit?” Translation:   “Go on now!   It’s easy and fun […]

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Kellyanne Conway’s Guide To White House Etiquette

When squatting on the Oval Office couch as if it were a piece of ratty furniture in a brothel, be sure to do so in a manner most becoming of a lady. The shit in this house is old and expensive, so please, be careful!!    For example, when sliding a genuine silver candlestick holder into your […]

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Other Big Goofs From Last Night’s Oscars

Arms on Oscar statues held on with Scotch tape. Jimmy Kimmel allowed to host. Edgar Blount, a homeless man who attacked Pee Wee Herman with a claw hammer back in the 80’s, was left off of the “In Memoriam” list. Caitlyn Jenner couldn’t have any drinks, as she was having to hold her tinkle in […]

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How To Tell If You’re Allowed In The White House Press Briefing Room

Your paper has plenty of gratis full-page ads for Ivanka’s sassy line of products. Glenn McCoy’s political cartoons take up every square inch of your comics section. You’ve managed to convince both of your teenage daughters to have their abortions reversed. The only trans that your paper mentions are the Trans Ams in the automotive […]

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President Trump’s Black History Month Checklist

☐  Why no White History Month? Have someone look into that. ☐  Need to get more likes from black people on Twitter! Must make this a priority. Maybe start something called “Black Likes Matter“? Yes! Pretty sure that they’d love that! ☐  Begin plans to make another wall, but this time, a wall that they’ll […]

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White House, Dirty Laundry: Presidential Sick Habits

Sure, everyone knows that Taft was stuck in a bathtub, JFK banged Marilyn Monroe and FDR was trans. But what do you really know about our past Commander in Chiefs? Teddy Roosevelt would regularly hire a woman to pretend that she has the right to vote while also gingerly fingering his bottom. Gerald Ford would […]

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Rejected Candy Hearts

Your Fist Is On My List Four Fingers?!? Please? I Washed It. Nag Me Mornin After Pill Poison! JK:) Murder Suicide Pact? Dutch Ovens R Hot Love Suppository Contagio-US Chlamydia Any Mountain

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The Grammys Drinking Game

To play, tune in to The Grammys on CBS at 8pm and simply take a drink every time… Beyonce’s twins somehow win an award for something. Rihanna flinches while being handed a Grammy. Someone at your party mutters “What the fuck…” when Sia comes onscreen. Adele has to be reminded of the “Everyone should get […]

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Putin’s Diary

Dearest Diary, Sometimes I believe you are my only friend. Well, there is Donald, of course. But just between you and me, this is very much like favorite food being a cheesy American fast-food hamburger; you do enjoy quite a bit, but would rather not admit in public. And also, causes much gas. So that […]

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Other Things That The Kremlin Would Like An Apology For

President Trump’s interview with Bill O’Reilly on Fox News really hit a nerve with the Kremlin over the weekend. They were offended by the term ‘killers’ and have asked Fox News to issue an apology. But this isn’t the first time Russia has asked the US for an apology, some other things that the Kremlin would […]

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Sean Spicer and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, Period.

I went to bed chewing thirty-five pieces of gum, and before I could swallow them all, I fell asleep. So I woke up the following morning with thirty five pieces of gum stuck in my hair. Luckily my hair always kind of looks like it has thirty five pieces of gum stuck in it, so […]

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Bowling Green Massacre and Our All-Time Favorite Kellyanne Conway Lies

So now Kellyanne Conway is referring to a “Bowling Green Massacre”, which according to all news outlets, isn’t really even a thing. Kellyanne, you rascal! This made us all warm and nostalgic for all of Kellyanne’s other ‘Alternative Facts’ over the past several months. Take our hand and join us for a sentimental walk down memory lane, […]

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Trump’s National Prayer Breakfast Offering

Hey, are you there God? It’s me, Donald. To tell you the truth, I’m not really sure that I believe it you. I did win the election, though, so that points to your existence being at least possible. And did you see all of those people at the inauguration? I feel like you must have […]

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Other Trump Executive Orders You Might Have Missed

New trade agreement discussions with Chile (“Mostly because I love those baby back rib things. Delicious.” remarked Trump) Tube Top Tuesdays every week (“But no fatties.” cautioned Trump) Secret Service ordered to shoot Alec Baldwin on site. Illegal Mexican immigrants who are making regular submissions to YouPorn allowed to stay in the country (“After a […]

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Trump’s Other Changes To The White House Website

Trump wasn’t in office for even a day when he made several notable changes to the White House website, including removing any references to global warming, as well as info about Melania-made jewely (sadly, not a joke). What can we expect next? And why does it matter, since most Trump supporters don’t know how to […]

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Most Common Tattoos Spotted at the Trump Inauguration

Demonic/zombie bald eagle with dead dove in it’s mouth: 174 Rebel flag as Superman’s cape: 238 Jesus as crying Native American as passing car throws out an aborted fetus as litter: 105 Sad angel standing at Dale Earnhardt’s grave: 78 Smiling Jesus using rebel flag as a parachute: 156 Klu Klux Klan couple holding KKK […]

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The New School Threat: Grizzly Bears

Sure guns in schools can do SOME bad things, but what’s the REAL threat to our nations youth? Grizzly Bears. We need to do more to prevent these Active Bear Situations (ABS) and thank goodness Trump Secretary of Education pick Betsy DeVos has brought this epidemic to light. But why stop at allowing guns to […]

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GOP Affordable Care Replacement Ideas

Don’t despair, folks! All is not lost! Just mostly…   Quit being a baby You’ll probably feel better in a day or two. The Bible Belt While wearing this belt, the power of your prayers increases by up to 60%!! Also gives off a pleasant vapor action to aid in clearing the sinuses. Available by […]

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The Real Reasons That Ringling Bros Are Shutting Down

Bankrupt after having to bail out so many clowns who had been arrested on To Catch A Predator. Animals kept getting killed by Donald Trump’s sons. Bad couple of weeks last year during which all of the trapeze artists had a really bad stomach virus with lots of vomiting and diarrhea, and no budget to […]

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Jason Vorhees’ Camp Crystal Lake Etiquette

1. Look, we know why you’re here. You’re going to have sex. And that’s fine; your life, and so on. But please don’t leave your used condoms just laying around. There are many different animals living in these woods, and many don’t know better than to try and eat the contents of said condoms. And […]

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Golden Globe Categories That Don’t Make it to Air

Best Performance By An Actor/Actress Trying To Bounce Back From An Alcohol/Drug Fueled Crime Spree Best Nude Scene By An Aging Actress Trying Desperately To Remain Relevant Best Speech By An Actor/Actress On A Talk Show, Lying Through Their Teeth About The Movie That They Know Is Unwatchable Horseshit Best Looking The Other Way While […]

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Ask The Magic 8 Ball

Dear Magic 8 Ball, Will this be the year that I’m able to finally quit smoking?   I’m afraid that my boyfriend might leave me otherwise. -Nancy     Dear Magic 8 Ball, Okay, um…  about that smoking thing?   And my boyfriend? -Nancy     Dear Magic 8 Ball, I recently discovered that my wife has […]

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Mariah Carey’s Excuses For Her Horrible NYE Performance

Distracted by the horribly intense yeast infection brought on immediately by her insanely tight and inappropriate costume. She wasn’t told that she would actually have to sing. Forgot that her deal with Satan ran out exactly at midnight, December 31, 2016. Just naturally assumed that everyone would be starting at her boobs, and wouldn’t even […]

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What ABC Isn’t Telling You About The Bachelor

More robots per episode than an entire season of Westworld. The original title of the show was going to be “Chlamydia Island”. Losers forced to choose between death or being cast on an MTV2 reality show. The scent of female desperation that hangs over the mansion is burning a hole in the ozone layer. In regards to […]

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Trump’s Definitions of Common, Everyday Political Terms

President-Elect Trump recently referred to the UN as simply “a club for people to have a good time”. If you think that’s a bit startling and off putting, then wait until you see these other examples of…   Trump’s Definitions of Common, Everyday Political Terms: Vice President Sort of like a wing-man who will take […]

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Useless Tinder Rip-Offs

Just in time for the horrible, lonely holidays! Here Come The Tinder Rip-Offs! Timber Dating app for lumberjacks. Brender For Brits who prefer to date women named Brenda. Yonder For people who don’t mind traveling a great distance for a piece of tail. Kinder The exclusive dating app of Roman Polanski. Upender Tech support, not a […]

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Daily Planner Schedule For The Elf On The Shelf

9:30 am Tinkle into the dishwasher’s detergent container. 10:15 am Pop up and down on the kitchen window-sill , hoping to give the gardening widow next door a heart attack. 11:30 am Lunch with MILF On The Shelf. 12:15 pm  Sufficiently liquored up, try the “You’re standing under the mistle-blow.” line on the MILF On […]

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Donald Trump’s Pre-Tweet Crib Sheet

Mr. President-Elect Trump, please always refer to the following notes before Tweeting.   This could save us potential embarrassment in the future.   Thank you.  –  The Office of Mike Pence PLEASE REMEMBER: Do not mistake NAFTA for NAMBLA. The Klu Klux Klan did not raise lots of money for crippled kids.   Do not say good things about the […]

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Least Clicked On Fake News Stories

Creator Of CB Radio Sets Own Buttocks On Fire Nazi Scientists Revive Corpse Of Orville Redenbacher McDonald’s Introduces New Vicks Vapor Rub McNugget Dipping Sauce For Cold And Flu Sufferers Hillary Clinton Takes Nap Halfway Thru New Gilmore Girls Series PETA And Local Satanist Group Decide To ‘Agree To Disagree’ For The Holidays Tony Danza […]

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CARTOON: Santa Cos

Illustration by John Daly

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Least-Purchased Cyber Monday Deals

Gummers’ Eve douche for the elderly, pack of 24 for $8.99 “Extrava-Danza! The Poetry of Tony Danza” audiobook, 54 cents Albinoel, A White Christmas holiday music app- 18 cents Cowabunghole brand Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtle Butt-Plugs, set of four (plus bonus strap-on, The Shredder)- $24.99 Super Barrio Brothers video game- Help two Hispanic brothers traverse […]

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Black Friday Lives Matter

A Eulogy For a Family Member Trampled and Killed During Black Friday   “Aunt Sue was a great and wonderful woman. At least, I guess she was. I don’t really know, to be honest. I never really spent much time around her, as she was usually tucked into a camping tent in front of Best […]

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Most Anticipated Moments From The 2016 Macy’s Thanksgiving Day Parade

New England Patriots mascot balloon not inflated properly, falls into crowd injuring dozens. Performance by pro-Trump dance troupe, “Yes We Klu Klux Klan!”. Performer’s on Carnival Cruise-Line float suffer severe diarrhea due to pre-show food poisoning mishap. Democratic Party float does excellent job for most of the route, then suddenly explodes in a burst of […]

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Thanksgiving Family Conversation Starters

“So, let’s all take turns saying what we’re thankful for, and then who we each voted for.” “Aunt Sue, you’re a miracle! That sweet-potato pie of yours disappeared more quickly than Planned Parenthood’s funding.” “Instead of an adults and kids table, this year can we have a racist and non-racist table?” “Uncle Elliott, if you’re […]

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The Trump Presidency, The First 100 Days

ObamaCare replaced by TrumpCare (first-aid kit, bottle of off-brand whiskey, and a coat hanger). Susan B. Anthony dollar coin discontinued because, in the words of Trump, “she was kind of a dog, quite frankly”. Replaced by the image of a topless Melania. The body of a beaten and strangled to death Alec Baldwin is found […]

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Rosy-Cheeked Residents of the Bizarro Earth Are Thankful For…

President-Elect Michelle Obama not only soundly defeating Donald Trump in the election, but due to being a cyborg, being able to fly him over and then into an active volcano.   Bill Cosby providing his most hilarious and heart-warming holiday special since his accidental castration forty years ago.   The Westboro Baptist Church and their […]

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President Trump’s Cabinet Member Selections

Citizens of these great United States, you can now rest easy.    While President-Elect Trump may not have the experience of those typically selected for his new position, he has wisely chosen to surround himself with a group of those who are, as President Lincoln once succinctly put it, “of the people, by the people, for […]

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So You’re Moving To Another Country…

What Now? Things To Consider:   1) Don’t Go From Bad to Worse: Difficult to fathom, we realize. But there may very well be places on the planet that are even worse than America under Trump. You don’t want to be tossed down a volcano just so the local villagers can believe that their crops […]

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Election Night Comforting Thoughts

Regardless of who ultimately wins, the night of the Presidential election is going to be an intense, edge-of-your-seat, terrifying couple of hours. Keep yourself from possibly stroking out or having a fatal panic attack with these…   Pleasant, Soothing Thoughts With Which to Calm Yourself on Election Night If Trump wins, at least you’ve had […]

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Election Day Voting Checklist

Are you ready to make the arduous journey to your local voting machine? Are you sure? Hmm… We’re not convinced. Better consult our:   Election Day Voting Checklist Bring plenty of snacks for the trip. Fresh water and fruit for yourself, buckets of chum and lightly seasoned gristle to toss at aggressive Trump voters. Best […]

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Melania’s Whistle-Stop Tour

The odd, little out of the way places that Trump’s campaign advisors have been hiding Melania Trump from the crooked, libtard, and totally bigly rigged media:     Beanie Genie 2016 “Rub me, and your most fantastical Beanie Baby wish will come true!” came the cheerful chirp from the plump middle-aged woman who met us […]

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Surprise Guests of the 3rd 2016 Presidential Debate!

Today’s CNN report cited the guests invited to tonight debate by Hillary Clinton and Donald Trump. Both sides clearly trying to rattle the other. Trump has invited President Barack Obama’s Kenyan-born half-brother, Malik. Hillary Clinton will be joined at Wednesday’s debate by two well-known billionaires who are backing her campaign, Meg Whitman and Mark Cuban. However, those […]

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Melania Trump Body Language Decoded

Anderson Cooper’s CNN interview with Melania Trump held very few surprises; naturally, she came out in defense of her husband.   What is surprising, however, is that fact that most of Melania’s actual messages went unnoticed by viewers.   Not only because we couldn’t understand what she was saying, but also because her words didn’t match up with her body language and […]

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Internal Trump Campaign Emails From Last Weekend

+++++++++++++ Friday, Oct. 7, 2016 3:35 pm From: Donald To: Campaign Staff Hey folks…. Sorry for this email. I don’t like to do the emails, I’d prefer to Tweet. But I’ve been advised that emails are preferable to Tweets for professional exchanges. Who says? Who’s more qualified than me to make that call? You? Sorry, […]

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Kellyanne Conway Word Association

Who is this mysterious woman, Kellyanne Conway? The woman behind Donald Trump. She can’t be that stupid, as she’s figured out that it’s not safe to be the woman in front of Trump, at least. So maybe she’s just too good at her job? Like, you know, the Devil. We were curious, so we presented […]

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Trump’s Other Favorite Sputnik News Stories

Donald Trump recently began citing a Kremlin funded news website for his facts attacking Hillary Clinton. Below are a few other of Trumps favorite news stores from Sputnik News. “Time-Traveling Olsen Twins Admit Responsibility for Holocaust, Zika Virus and Release of RoboRape Machines From ChromaSvink Galaxy’s 3381 Nullifier Event” “Cookies N’ Cream Enemas Proven To […]

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Other Times That Billy Bush’s Shenanigans Have Landed Him in Hot Water

Forget about Trump! What about that little scoundrel, Billy Bush? His comments and egging on of Trump was just the “tit of the ice-burg” (his words, not ours; something referring to Kim Kardashian’s mom, from what we understand).   Offered to help Bill Cosby whip up a batch of pre-date moonshine. Thought it would be […]

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Town-Hall Debate Drinking Game

Do a shot every time that:   Donald Trump attempts to do damage control by jokingly offering a Tic-Tac to Hillary. Hillary attempts to appear more relatable by doing an awkward, embarrassing dance of sorts. A member of the G.O.P decides to turn their back on Trump during the debate. Trump goes on a rambling, […]

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Fallout Events From the Trump Video

  In a surprise move the Tic-Tac organization chooses to embrace Trumps recent comments with new slogan “Grab Life By The Pussy!” Billy Bush resigned to being the most reviled person in history to have the last name Bush. Trump’s audience of sexual predators, perverts and inbred morons now even more behind his Presidential campaign. […]

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Donald Trump’s Excuses For Not Paying His Taxes

It’s Hillary’s fault. He’s done plenty of other illegal things, much, much worse… vile, reprehensible stuff, and never had to worry about it; why start now? Do you know how much it costs to pay the has-beens and losers that populate his reality show? And a few of them, he really did pay! And he […]

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Hustler Magazine’s Reasons Why Donald Trump Should Be Our Next President

USA Today has come out against Trump. As is of course their right. To provide the proper balance, however, we are obliged to present this somewhat less publicized opposing viewpoint from the editorial board of another long running American publishing institution.  Hustler Magazine.     Anyone who has been accused of sexually assaulting underage girls as often […]

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What Trump Did Right During the Debate

Didn’t bite anyone. (on-stage at least; and even Reagan took a nibble or two out of backstage lackeys prior to his debate with Mondale) Didn’t use his fecal matter to draw a swastika on the front of his podium. (I lost twenty bucks on that one) Was close enough to Clinton to honk her boob, […]

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Questions Rejected From Being Used During The Clinton / Trump Debate

  “Senator Clinton, is it true that ISIS unfriended you on Facebook, due to your extensive online bullying?”     “What number am I thinking of? No cheating by using powers of the occult, Senator Clinton!”     “Mr. Trump, what are your plans to curb racial violence in this country? Besides forcing all non-white […]

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Items Purchased With Misappropriated Trump Foundation Funds

Human centipede made up of losers from past seasons of The Apprentice. [$20K for the operation, $15 a week to hire Puerto Rican guy to hose centipede down a couple of times a day] Rare videos submitted by Kim Jong Un to America’s Funniest Home Videos. [$175K for set of eight tapes, $500 to have […]

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Top FAQs On The Ashley Madison Site

If I catch an STD from one of the dates provided by your site, is the next date free? How diligent are you in researching whether or not members are serial killers? Would you say very diligent, fairly diligent, or not very? There don’t seem to be very many female members on this site. Any […]

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Highlighted Excerpts of Interest From the FBI’s Investigation of Hillary’s Emails

“… just saying, if someone is being paid to give me a proper back massage, why wouldn’t they handle the pimples as well?    They don’t have to pop them with their teeth, for Christ sakes, but pop them already!   I can appreciate someone being squeamish, but if you’ve already waxed my vulva, surely you must have […]

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Fall Movie Preview

It’s fall, time to wave goodbye to the people shooting at you outside the theatre, and offer a hearty hello to the folks shooting at you inside the theatre. Those butterflies in your stomach mean that honest-to-goodness cinematic thrills await you around each corner, but also that the seventeen year old theatre manager forgot to […]

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What Will it Take to Get Anthony Weiner to Stop Sexting?

There are only a few viable scenarios that appear likely:   His penis falls off. While trying to take a photo of the severed member to send to a lady, his iPhone explodes, killing him instantly.     Sexting becomes illegal and punishable by death in America. Anthony moves to Tijuana, where his penis is […]

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In Defense of Heather Bresch and EpiPen Price Hike

People are chomping at the bit, demanding blood and worse from Mylan CEO Heather Bresch. But before things get too heated, just listen to reason for a minute; Ms. Bresch NEEDS that extra $16 million per year raise in her salary. Don’t believe us? Just take a moment to cool down and check out the […]

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Real, Genuine Reasons Donald J. Trump Is Refusing To Release His Tax Returns

Accidentally spilled a two liter of Big Red soda onto the form, and is embarrassed to ask for a new one. Attempting to write-off his weekend at “Bill Cosby’s How To Pick Up Chicks” seminar. Doesn’t want anyone to see that he dots his i’s with little hearts. He’s looked everywhere, and he just can’t […]

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Signs Trump Is Actually Losing It

Recently paid workers for a job he hired them to perform. Gave a genuine compliment to a woman he doesn’t consider to be physically attractive. When addressing his lawn-care staff, said “Nice job, wetbacks.” rather than “Out of my way, wetbacks.” Last time he had a decapitated stripper buried in the desert, he actually stopped […]

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Potentially Delicious Items from the 2016 DNC Concession Menu

Hill-a-refried Beans $25.00 We in the food service industry like to joke that Hillary’s positive political contributions haven’t added up to a “Hill” of beans. Which is what gave us the idea for this scrumptious offering. These beans, much like Hillary’s campaign promises, have been mashed and smooshed to the point of being unrecognizable. And, […]

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Duties of Those Cleaning the Convention Center Following the RNC

Repair porta potty glory holes Contact landfill re: thousands of Mardi Gras bead necklaces made from spent shotgun shells. Dispose of bodies of homeless who were shot while wandering too close to the convention center. Clean brains off of the wall from racists whose heads exploded while attempting to listen to Melania Trump. Use taser, […]

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Tasty Items For Sale At The RNC Concession Stands

Trump Roast $74.50 Baloney. Lots and lots of roasted baloney. Piles of it. Be careful, though. It seems vaguely intriguing at first, but once ingested will quickly make you sick. No amount of fancy condiments will help it go down any easier. Not only nauseating, but quite the bitter aftertaste as well. The Side of […]

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The Real Reasons Behind The Female Ghostbusters Backlash

1) Most Ghostbusters fan-boys are more scared of women than they are of ghosts. 2) Fictional Proton Packs obviously too heavy to be carried by girls. 3) Fans disappointed that Melissa McCarthy isn’t playing the Staypuft Marshmallow Woman. 4) Pudgy, awkward nerdy types need comforting presence of Dan Aykroyd. 5) Demonic phantoms not realistically a […]

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Least Coveted Raffle Prizes

Cursed monkey hand Do-It-Yourself Human Centipede Kit $25 gift card to vegan café “You’ve Got Kale” Incontinence-Friendly Square-Dance Lessons Backstage passes to Bill Cosby show Dollar Store Ouija board that only contacts people in comas Written transcript of Kanye’s 2015 MTV VMA speech Free paternity test results read by Maury Povich Bird-house filled with piping […]

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Whore-O-Scope

[Prostitutional Premonitions] Aries (March 21- April 19) You will meet a tall, dark stranger this month; in fact, you will meet many, as you are a prostitute. Taurus (April 20 – May 20) Today, moon is in Scorpio. In other words, “Moon” is an erect penis, and “Scorpio” is your butthole. Gemini (May 21 – […]

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Handy-Dandy Tips On Staying Safe From Shark Attacks

While swimming, find a shark and wrestle it to submission.   Tear chunks of bloody flesh from the shark and rub the goopy materials all over your body. Sharks will then believe that you are also a shark, and will then leave you be. Before swimming, do whatever you can to contract HIV, Hepatitis-C, and so on. The sharks […]

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Tips For A Fun, Massacre-Free Backyard Barbecue

No need to be as lax as the US Govt’s gun-purchasing policies.; extensive background checks for everyone attending your party is an absolute must. Sure, these people are your friends, but do you really want them to know where you live? There are probably several vacant houses in your neighborhood, use one of their backyards […]

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What’s On The DVR?

Pixar Presents Keeping Up With The CARdashians Disney’s Pixar Studios presents the lively adventures of the Kardashian clan, re-imagined as a lovable family of animated automobiles.   In this episode, the rest of the family react with jealousy and anger regarding Kim’s larger-than-average trunk space. Disney Channel It’s Pickles The Clown! When Angus Flea, an ambitious […]

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Letters That Dear Abby Stopped Reading After One Sentence

Dear Abby, As a longtime fan of your column, as well as someone who enjoys the smell of their own flatulence… Dear Abby, I am a skin-tag on Tommy Lee Jones’ left thigh that recently gained sentience, and was wondering about the correct etiquette for inviting casual acquaintances to a summer garden party… Dear Abby, […]

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A Few Examples of When It’s Okay, Even Advisable, To Report Your Neighbor To The Police

His only contributions to the block garage sale are always bloodied girl scout uniforms. Immediately following Halloween, he rents out his porch jack o’ lantern as a toilet for homeless people. He constantly steals your newspaper, and also your television. Always brings roofies to the neighborhood lemonade stands. You live in George Zimmerman’s neighborhood. He […]

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Popular Prom Themes For 2016

1) Oxy Pads & Oxycontin 2) The Waltzing Dead 3) MTV’s Teen Mom Try-Outs Final Round 4) Obamacareless Whispers 5) Guns For Corsages 6) Free Clinic & A Picnic 7) Shared Memes & Broken Dreams 8) Getting To Third Base With Your 4th Period Spanish Teacher 9) It’s Not Who Brought You, It’s Who’s There […]

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Most Referenced FAQs on the Cialis Website

1) Will Cialis work even if my partner and I have grown to despise one another?   2) Is it okay to consume alcohol while taking Cialis? Depending on the appearance of the partner, is it encouraged?   3) If I have to seek medical attention for an erection lasting more than four hours, is […]