Entries by Paul Lander


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14 Times Even Fozzie Bear Couldn’t Bail Out A Mike Huckabee Tweet

To humorless trolls who soiled themselves re: my earlier tweet-stop following me; follow someone sensitive and kind like Stephen Colbert. Waka.  Waka. For Cinco de Mayo I will drink an entire jar of hot salsa and watch old Speedy Gonzales cartoons and speak Spanish all day. Happy CdMayo! Waka. Waka. Prince Phillip steps down from […]

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14 Product Placements for Pop Songs # 9 Will Make You Literally Want To Eat Their Words

Put a BK Onion Ring On it Beyoncé The Real Slim Jim Shady Eminem Like a Virgin Atlantic Madonna Love Me Tinder Elvis Presley I Kissed A Girl with Lipstick From Mac Cosmetics Katy Perry Who Wrote the iBook of Love Monotones 99 Lyft Ballons Nena Philadelphia (Cream cheese) Bruce Springsteen Scenes From an Olive […]

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Quiz: Brazilian Soccer Player or Yoga Pants

1. Neymar 2. Lululemon 3. Kaka 4. Garincho 5. Fabletics 6. Manduka 7. Cafu 8. Alki’i 9. Danskin 10. Zico 11. Kulae ANSWERS: Brazilian Soccer Player: 1,3,4,7, 10 Yoga Pants: 2,5,6,8,9,11

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Quiz: Celebrity Kid Name or Snack Chip Flavor

1. Rainbow Aurora 2. Chile Lime 3. Wasabi Ginger 4. Apple 5. Poppy Honey 6. Wavy Ondulees 7. Sage Moonblood 8. Bluebell 9. Pico de Gallo 10. Spicy Nacho 11. Shiloh   ANSWERS: Celebrity Kid: 1 (Ashley Simpson), 4 (Gwyneth Paltrow/Chris Martin), 5 (Jamie Oliver), 7 (Sylvester Stallone), 8 (Geri Halliwell), 11 (Angelina Jolie/Brad Pitt) […]

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8 Taylor Swift Lyrics That Are Also Grounds For a Restraining Order

Just have Taylor Swift add “Your Honor” to these lyrics in front of a judge and we’re talking restraining order. Got a long list of ex-lovers, they’ll tell you I’m insane, Your Honor. I get drunk on jealousy, Your Honor. So go and tell your friends that I’m obsessive and crazy. That’s fine, I’ll tell […]

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QUIZ: Medical Condition or Accounting Firm

1. Baker Newman Noves 2. Epstein Barr 3. Riley Day 4. Maudlin Jenkins 5. Honcamp Krueger 6. Forbes Albright 7. Kasbach Merritt 8. Lewendowsky Lutz 9. Clifton Gunderson 10. Sturge Weber 11. Margolin Winer Evens ANSWER KEY: Medical Condition: 2,3,6,7,8,10 Accounting Firm 1,4,5, 9, 11

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Quiz: Kyrgyzstani Political Leader or Letters Randomly Typed with My Eyes Closed

1. Almazbek Atambayev 2. Trcghed Acfsfgth 3. Grcguhgyy Dwfebuuh 4. Omurbek Tekebayev 5. Kolnyhggh Vedschjjbbh 6. Kurmanbek Bakiyev 7. Sooronbay Jeenbekov 8. Strcfhuhhh Zefghjuh 9. Tomakihlbv Thuvfhjd 10. Kanatbek Isaev ANSWER KEY: Kryzghastani Political Leader: 1, 4, 6, 7, 10 Letters Randomly Typed With My Eyes Closed: 2, 3, 5, 8, 9  

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Animated Movies To Properly Prepare Kids For the Real World

Finding Chemo The Little Barmaid Stuck In A Dead End Job The Lady and the Tramp Stamp Monster’s Inc.: Chapter 11 Frozen Daiquiri Working For Peanuts: The Movie Snow White Gets Slut Shamed by the Seven Dwarfs The Bi-Polar Express Up Yours James and the Giant GMO Carcinogenic Peach

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Trump Administration Revised Terror Watch List

Nordstrom Australia Meryl Streep Cast of Hamilton Alec Baldwin Sweden Don Lemon Anyone with the last name Schumer Pope Francis NY Times Mexico Rosie O’Donnell So-Called Judges Ted Cruz’s Dad SNL NATO Megyn Kelly CNN