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Bill O’Reilly’s Unused Final Monologue

So apparently the brass here at fucking Fox FUCKING News says that I’m outta here, giving Billy boy the old boot. Something about “not having the budget” and “you harassed upwards of six women”. What the fucking bullshit liberal fucking crap is this? I’m from Long Island. We harass people. Hello?! It’s what we DO. God damnit. Oh, right, and there’s some politics happening, yadda yadda. I’m being fired, that’s what’s important here. Syria news can take a break for ONE fucking day.

What was that, camera guy? I’m spitting too much? Fuck you, okay? You’re poor. If I wanted to listen to a poor Jew like you tell me things I don’t want to hear, I’d play the biased, slanderous slideshow we rigged about Bernie Sanders we always run. Okay? Shut the fuck up and let me give my last thing, god damnit. I have over 25 book credits, I think, I don’t know I didn’t fucking write the things. But I’ve got em and I deserve respect. Oh, you’re not Jewish? Get a haircut then, hippie.

Next on the O’Reilly Factor, yeah, we’ve got a schedule, fuck off! Next on the show I’m bringing on myself, because I’m a god damn star and the only reason this piece of shit network run by that fucking sunburned ancient Aussie bitch made any money. Sure, Hannity’s okay, but only because he sucked my chode under the desk when he was pitching his show. Too far? Fuck you! I’m out of here in twenty minutes to spend time with my wife and kids who detest me. We’re going back to Levittown to show the kids where ticks come from and which lakes give you breast cancer if you swim in them. Fuck it!

I consider myself Roman Catholic, and in the words of one of the Popes once probably, I’m fucking mad as hell and praying real hard that God kills every liberal fuckhead in this country for ruining my career. Who needs advertisers when you have God? I prayed to him for each one of my five sexual allegation cases and I settled them all. Sure I had to shell out some dough, but it was pocket change at the time.

Finally, I just had some final thoughts about Obama: That [redacted for slanderous language/potential hate crime] and stick it right up his Kenyan ass! And Donald can back me up on that!

Anyway, I’m out of here you pieces of trash. Suck my dick and die, I’ll be home masturbating to pictures of Ronald Reagan like every Wednesday night if you need me.

I’m Bill O’Reilly, and I’m a sad, scared man with no real friends. Thank you for watching the Factor.


 

Written by Connor McCausland

Connor McCausland

Connor writes comedy for himself and others in New York City. He’s trying very hard. His writing has appeared in AboveAverage, Reductress, McSweeneys, and CollegeHumor.

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