Black Friday Lives Matter

A Eulogy For a Family Member Trampled and Killed During Black Friday


“Aunt Sue was a great and wonderful woman. At least, I guess she was. I don’t really know, to be honest. I never really spent much time around her, as she was usually tucked into a camping tent in front of Best Buy during most holidays. Still, from what I hear from others, she wasn’t too bad .

I actually do have a few scant memories of her from the pre-Black Friday years. She seemed so happy and full of life, curled up on the sofa and going through store circulars, planning for which Christmas presents she would be returning the day after Christmas . And she would be doing this on Thanksgiving, so I always admired her initiative and ability to plan for the future.

She is survived by her two kids, Dusty and Charmayne. They couldn’t be here today, as they are both currently lined up in front of Super Target. But I know that they’re here in spirit, and will honor their mother’s last wishes by grabbing that fifteen dollar Blu-ray player that she had her eyes on.
In lieu of food or donations, the family asks for gift cards instead. Respects can be made at the small memorial that has been built in the Wal-Mart parking lot.

Thanks to everyone who came here today, and to the managers of the Crystal Leaf Mall, who allowed us to have this service in their food court.

Written by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Ain’t It Cool News said of Kit, “If Gary Larson is Bill Cosby, then Kit is Richard Pryor.” That’s a great quote, right? Man, I love that quote! That was, until Bill Cosby turned out to be a deplorable serial rapist. Now the quote isn’t worth shit, even though my name isn’t linked directly to Cosby’s! Thanks a lot Bill, you jackass. Not only have you ruined dozens of lives with your rapey ways, but you’ve ruined a perfectly good quote as well. I hope you rot in Hell, you scumbag.
Anyway, Kit’s cartoons have been published by lots of humor magazines, etc. etc. yadda yadda. (sigh)….