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Building Your Deck with Elon Musk

Step 1 – Commit to Your Deck

Hi, my name is Elon Musk and welcome to my blog! Building a deck is every bit as important as the work I do at my many innovative companies. It’s common, as you begin, for friends and family to say things like “Elon, you’ve been outside for days” or “Mr. Musk, you’re needed back at Tesla” or “One of our rockets has just crashed into the Pacific Ocean”. This is all part of the process. You decided to build a deck. Now go out and create.


Step 2 – Designing Your Deck

Remember as you draw up blue-prints: All other decks will be obsolete and evil after your deck has been invented. Cost effectiveness is useful, but try not to be stingy either. A quality deck can cost anywhere between two hundred and eight hundred million dollars. And, in my experience, that can go even higher after a couple setbacks haha! Just remember, this will be the perfect place for you and your wife to drink tea on a summer day; for the world’s perspective to change and humanity to find salvation; for your extended family to gather on cool evenings. If you’re feeling playful, experiment with curved edges, and consider laminate deck flooring! It’s easier to clean, and looks like real wood – the inevitable selections of a superior future cannot be stopped.


Step 3 – Your Deck’s Implications

Ask yourself: Will the deck effect the neighbor’s view? Will my great-great-grandchildren remember this deck with honor as it’s talked about in their history classes? Imagine the finished deck. If painted, it should utilize quiet earth tones. Instead of being made of wood, the deck should actively plant trees with giant mechanical arms which run off geo-thermal energy. The addition of a screen might be useful, but will lower visibility. The solar turbine, which collects and distributes clean energy to the surrounding homes, shouldn’t be too loud at night. A smaller deck will leave you more space in the yard, but it must also be large enough to cover MARA the artificial sentience’s brain. Think about these factors carefully before you begin the most important step:


Step 4 – Building Your Deck

Don’t kid yourself. Your deck isn’t going to be built on the first try, or even the tenth. Moving from prototype to prototype could take months, even years, but that’s why you assembled a team of the world’s best and brightest scientists. At family gatherings, jokes will be made at your expense: “Oh, Elon and his deck! Like he’s ever gonna finish that thing!”  Meanwhile, your back yard will be completely filled with deck prototypes, long-since improved upon by the sixty full-time engineers running complex computer simulations on your driveway. It’s common for neighbors, during this stage of deck development, to approach you inquiring about the noise. Specifically, they’ll site the “loud sound of cranes” and “industrial welding equipment” that “never ends”. Try to be understanding of their needs – the entire construction process shouldn’t take more than 15-20 years (with the understanding that a fully realized version of your designs won’t be possible for several generations). With decks, you cut wood – not corners!


Step 5 – Facing Harsh Deck Criticisms

When you finally show your deck to the world, the responses will be far short of what you imagined. Instead of celebrating the human achievement your deck represents, dinner guests and visiting relatives will often make comments about the steep stairs, splintery handrails, or potential danger to human life. Various media outlets will continue to badger you about the one creaky floorboard, or your deck’s inability to make an unmanned landing on a drone ship. These criticisms may stop smaller men and women from proceeding – it’s always helpful to remember that no amount of criticism can take away your billions of dollars. That’s something special that you’ll be able to hold close forever.


Step 6 – Fly Your Deck to Mars

Wave goodbye to your friends and family before typing the launch codes into the lawn-chair beneath the collapsible umbrella. Savor the moment. It’s everything you’ve worked for: A one-way trip to the red-planet. As your deck clears the upper atmosphere, don’t forget to look down upon the Earth like God while sipping a Mike’s Hard Lemonade from the cooler beneath the glass table. Initiate Deck Maneuver Gamma and slip some protein packets to the chipmunks who live beneath before entering Hyper-Sleep. By this point, you’ll already be receiving dozens of RSVP’s to your deck-warming-party via text. When you awake in 2 months on a new world, you’ll break out the John Cougar Mellancamp and finally get a chance to relax!

Good luck, and remember: Your deck can change the world.



Written by Collin Gossel

Collin Gossel

Collin Gossel is a comedian/writer living in New York City. His twitter, @CollinGossel, is widely regarded as a must-follow fever dream. He performs stand-up, improv, and sketch all the time and if you actually care about that you can check out his full calendar! Collin is also host of the podcast Hopelessly Excited, where fellow comedians join him to do something fun for one glorious hour.

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