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Bodyslam Your Way To Greatness: The Gianforte Way

Hello, my fellow God-fearing Americans. My name is Greg Gianforte.…
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French Kiss 2: Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron Lost in Italy

After the inaugural meeting for the G7 Summit, young and lithe…
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#DescribeImpeachmentBadly

We took to Twitter to host @HashtagZoo’s weekly hashtag game…
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Trump Delivers Commencement Speech To Liberal Arts College

Hello. Welcome. Can you believe I’m here? Not just as president,…
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Welcome To The Team! Now, Let's Find You A Good Place To Cry, Shall We?

From: SusiePLovesTV@aol.com To: Lindsey.Field@FizzNetwork.com Subject:…
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Are You Sure You Want To Log Out?

        &nbs…
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The TV Beat- What To DVR Tonight!

Sandra's Café Hilarious antics ensue when Sandra and the…
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11 Special Counsels Trump Preferred Over Robert Mueller for Trump/Russia Investigation

Jared Kushner Scooby Doo Jared Kushner Matlock Jared…
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5 Personal Essays I Didn’t Get to Publish Before the Boom was Over

For the last few days, my friends have been sharing an op-ed…
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#TrumpsLegacyWillBe

We took to Twitter to host @HashtagZoo’s weekly hashtag game…
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Contents of Comey’s Other Memos

A memo in which former FBI Director James Comey details an interaction…
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Other Super Secret Info Leaked To Russia By Trump

The White House Wifi password is password. The place underneath…
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Rejected Prom Themes

Enchanting Night Of People You’ll Never See After Graduation Dance…
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History’s Great Writers Describe Sean Spicer in the Bushes

Shakespeare   The rogue fled from me like quicksilver,…
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We Got You This Beautiful Charm Bracelet For Mother’s Day

Mom, we love you so deeply that this Mother’s Day we got you…
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LEAKED! Ernie's Memo To Staff On New HBO Set of Sesame Street

Recently, the internet learned of a memo supposedly penned by…
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"Oh Crap! It's Mother's Day" 14 Last Minute Gift Ideas

Who has time to bake a cake? Little Debbie, that's who. Social…
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#ClimateChangeIn5Words

We took to Twitter to host @HashtagZoo’s weekly hashtag game…
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James Comey’s Medications for the Recently Unemployed or Politically Compromised

Are you stressed? Worn out? Beaten down? Have recent events --…
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I’m the Ghost of a Non-Energy Efficient Home, and I Can’t Haunt This House for Shit

I’m tired of competing with typical sounds in this godforsaken…
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Cutting Edge Gardening Tips

Fire-ant mounds do admittedly appear similar to chocolate lava…
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14 Times Even Fozzie Bear Couldn’t Bail Out A Mike Huckabee Tweet

To humorless trolls who soiled themselves re: my earlier tweet-stop…
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Basic French for People That Want to Move There Now

Guys, France is safe from far-right nationalism!  This makes…
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Some Pre-Existing Conditions The GOP Will Accept

Slimy skin Tightass Sunburn from an “All Lives…
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If Adult Movie Dialogue Was Actually ‘Adult’

“Oh god, you’re harder than getting out of bed in the morning.” “I…
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STAR WARS SHOCKER: "THREEPIO'S BEEN BEATING ME FOR YEARS," SOBS ARTOO

SOMEWHERE IN THE GALAXY - Finally equipped with a simple voice…
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#MyMicrowaveSecretlyRecorded

Once again we took to Twitter to host @HashtagZoo’s weekly…
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TV Newscast from Bizarro World

Local TV evening six o’clock newscast INT. TV NEW DESK, LIGHTS,…
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Whoops! Trump Was Caught Trying To Make Sense Of The Bill Of Rights

“…either elect more Republican Senators in 2018 or change…
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Trump's Plans for a Canadian Border Wall

The Moat We’re going to build a great moat, a great moat,…
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Wikileaks Releases Cease and Desist Order From EPA to Mother Nature

From the office of Pruitt, Scott Administrator, Environmental…
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Big Boy Donny’s Birthday Party

“I want a ball, I want a party Pink…
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Turning Your Lemonade Stand Into A Solid Money-Maker

Wet Lemonade T-Shirt Contests with several of the neighborhood…
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Why I’m Inviting This Season’s Winner of MasterChef Junior to Read My Eulogy

Okay, first off, huge fan of the show, and please-- please, hold…
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14 Product Placements for Pop Songs # 9 Will Make You Literally Want To Eat Their Words

Put a BK Onion Ring On it Beyoncé The Real Slim Jim…
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Do You Need A Pep Talk?

I can tell from your appearance that you need a pep talk. I…
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Controversial Lines from the White House Correspondents' Dinner 1840-1950

The White House Correspondents’ Dinner (WHCD) has a history…
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I am 100% Committed to Being a Dad 24 Minutes a Day

Before our son was born, I couldn’t quite comprehend how my…
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Trump's First 100 Days

The biggest accomplishments by the Trump Administration during…
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MILF's 2.0: Men I’d Like to F*ck! (Better Read on in Case It’s You, Guy-at-the-Office)

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Guys, lets face the cold hard truth: nobody gives a shit about…
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Notes to Melville (Starbuck's)

There in a stark New England room is Herman Melville: white hair,…
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Signs That You're At A Crummy Garage Sale

1) Knick knacks are in a box marked as "evidence". 2) They…
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Letter From the R-Train

My dearest Petula,   Please forgive me if my hand is slow…
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Time’s List Of 100 Most Influential Times

That Time When You Were Like I’ll Never Drink Again That…
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Quiz: Brazilian Soccer Player or Yoga Pants

1. Neymar 2. Lululemon 3. Kaka 4. Garincho 5. Fabletics 6.…
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Daily Gaffermations with Sean Spicer

(Sean Spicer looks into the mirror as he begins to speak. Unable…
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#PoliticalClassifieds

Once again we took to Twitter to host @HashtagZoo’s weekly…
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Scientists Bring Back Dodo From Extinction For The Fourth Time

“Scientist leading ‘de-extinction’ effort says Harvard…
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Bill O'Reilly's Unused Final Monologue

So apparently the brass here at fucking Fox FUCKING News says…
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The Wholly Ignored Life of a Hogwarts Home Economics Professor

  Dear Headmaster Dumbledore, I am attaching the work…
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Auditing A Juggalo

INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE Robert Evans, Senior Auditor 2001…
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HighKu's

The assignment was given our subjects: Ingest one of several…
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Mar-A-Lago Menu (In the Event of Your Eventual Food Poisoning)

“Mr. Trump’s” Braised White Toast* $50.00 Chilled…
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8 Acts Weirder Than Hans Zimmer Playing Coachella

Think Hans Zimmer playing Lion King at Coachella this weekend…
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I’m 99% Sure I Just Had Sex With My First Robot

It’s 0:04am. The year is 2075. The place is the city of Chicago…
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The War on Penis Terror: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 5)

~ DEAR VAGINA SOLDIER ~ Eager to earn your dignity as an honored…
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White House Easter Egg Roll Briefing

This is the Special East Wing Briefing For The White House Easter…
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11 Amazing Last Minute Tax Hacks

Taxes are due on April 18, but there’s no need to stress. We’re…
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#DescribeSocialMediaBadly

Once again we took to Twitter to host @HashtagZoo’s weekly…
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Quiz: Celebrity Kid Name or Snack Chip Flavor

1. Rainbow Aurora 2. Chile Lime 3. Wasabi Ginger 4. Apple 5.…
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Fareed Zakaria Declares the Moments Others Truly “Became the President”

“I think Donald Trump became president of the United States.…
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Elevator Pitches for Lifetime Movies

She had to do it Because She Couldn't Have Kids. Janelle, a…
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Vacation Hotel Tips!

1) Most inexpensive motels don't have room service, but that…
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Wall Street’s Additions to Fearless Girl

PRESS RELEASE FROM STATE STREET GLOBAL ADVISORS. Due to the…
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A Note From the Witch Who Stole Sean Spicer’s Cool

First of all, I feel compelled to preface this all by saying…
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HGTV's LOVE IT OR LIST IT: DIVORCE EDITION

Mark and Sandra have been star-crossed lovers since the very…
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Notes from a Pepsi Ad Executive

“Pepsi Pulls Ad Accused of Trivializing Black Lives Matter”—New…
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How to Get Your Amazon Echo to, You Know, Do It with You

The Amazon Echo is a tremendous technological feat. This one…
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Recent Cases of iPhone Damage in the Current Political Environment

Repair Ticket #2948528 Phone smashed against wall after aunt…
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A Pilot Welcomes Passengers To Trump's America

*crackles over sound system* Hi, uhhhhhh, welcome aboard…
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#DescribePoliticsBadly

We took to twitter to play #DescribePoliticsBadly with HashtagRoundup…
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Your Pregnancy Week By Week: Meat Lovers Edition

We think that getting weekly email updates about your pregnancy…
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Budget Cut Reading List

Trump's budget cuts will no doubt have a negative effect on this…
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8 Taylor Swift Lyrics That Are Also Grounds For a Restraining Order

Just have Taylor Swift add “Your Honor” to these lyrics in…
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7 Movies with HUGE Holes in the Plot

1. The Shawshank Redemption 2. Indiana Jones 3. The Core 4.…
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President Trump Welcomes the First Pet

“Black crows in the meadow Across a broad highway Though…
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It's Time to Meet the 2017 RNC Babies!

What do you get when you mix $7 Bud Lights with 50,000 pro-life…
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QUIZ: Medical Condition or Accounting Firm

1. Baker Newman Noves 2. Epstein Barr 3. Riley Day 4.…
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Most Hilarious White House Pranks!

President Gerald Ford, a master tightrope artist who performed…
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Press Conference From The Discarded Crayola Crayon, Dandelion

"Okay, first off, yes, I am drunk. Very drunk. Drunk to the point…
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First-Date Customer Satisfaction Survey

Congratulations! You’ve been selected to participate in a…
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Ringling Bros Presents: Just The Elephants!

Come one! Come all! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the greatest…
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Brexit Up Is Hard To Do

The Five Stages of Grief Following a Bad Break-Up / Planned Withdrawal 1)…
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Top Five Signs That Your Pet Goldfish Is a Stockbroker from the 80's

It’s your worst nightmare, you come home late one night to…
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Other People Mike Pence Won't Dine With

Pence's wife has announced that Mike Pence never dines with women…
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The 8 Most Important Features of Samsung's New Galaxy S8

We received the new Samsung Galaxy S8 phone just the other day,…
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Things We Learned From The New Spider-Man Trailer

Robert Downey Jr. may very well be able to act his way out of…
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L. Ron Hubbard's Advice To Writers

L. Ron Hubbard, prolific writer and founder of Scientology, holds…
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NOTES TO EINSTEIN (Everything is Relative)

What if Einstein's theory of relativity got notes from TV execs,…
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Exorcising the Penis Demons: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 4)

“Blessed are the Vaginas, for they…
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Kid-Lit of the Revolution

"...it turns out, Kim Jong Il —along with dad Kim Il Sung —…
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Paul Ryan's Other Teenage Dreams

“So Medicaid, sending it back to the states, capping its growth…
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Dead Sea Scroll Excerpts That Seem To Suggest Jesus Also Made Great Hummus

Cave #1, Scroll #2, Section II:   The man known as Jesus…
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Quiz: Kyrgyzstani Political Leader or Letters Randomly Typed with My Eyes Closed

1. Almazbek Atambayev 2. Trcghed Acfsfgth 3. Grcguhgyy…
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Spring Broke: Your Cheap Destination Guide

(Your Guide To Fun, Inexpensive Places To Visit For Spring Breakers…
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The Aussie-American War – Letters from the Front

June 23, 2017 – Camp Pendleton, CA Dear Mom, Today,…
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A Timeline of the Development of the Modern Democracy

  1294 B.C.E. – Egyptian scribes break the first-ever…
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Animated Movies To Properly Prepare Kids For the Real World

Finding Chemo The Little Barmaid Stuck In A Dead End Job The…
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Missing Excerpts From JFK's Diary

JFK's handwritten diary is going up for auction, and after years,…
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Guided Meditations For The Trump Era

In light of recent political events, we’ve updated our app…
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Every Emoji Is a Dick Emoji

You've probably heard the old adage "the eggplant emoji is…
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Welcome to The Wire-Tap! The DC Area's Premiere Beer Garden.

Menu Bar Snacks Sleeping With The Ene~meatballs If we're…
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How to be a Dick Without Having One: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 3)

 PUBLIC SERVICE DISCLAIMER TO ALL DISGRUNTLED “PENIS CUSTODIANS”: Dear…
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Lepre-Caan's St. Patrick's Day Tips

No Pushing And Shoving At The Bar! A snub-nosed 38 pressed into…
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Signs That You Have March Madness

Seemingly are running a high fever, but in actually have simply…
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Most Anticipated New Reality Shows

Extreme Vetting  Join America’s most extreme veterinarian,…
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Unwanted Virtual Reality "Brand Experiences"

 The FedEx Immersive Apartment Feel like you’re actually…
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Today’s Applied Math Lecture

Today, class, you’re going to learn about the Knaster procedure.…
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Mike Pence Returns to The Crossroads

“I went to the crossroads, fell down on my knees, Asked the…
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Proactiv Introduces Humbling Cream, Which Gives Pimples to Cool Kids

EL SEGUNDO, CALIFORNIA—Acne medication company Proactiv today…
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Censored Sexy Pics: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 2)

Once upon a time, right about now, there is a legendary hero…
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Hip and Edgy Comic Strip Reboots

Riverdale, the hip, edgy, sexually ambiguous retooling of the…
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Animatronic Donald Trump's Executive Orders From Disney's Hall of Presidents

Inside Disney’s Hall of Presidents attraction, 44 animatronic…
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I Swear to God, If I Hear “Be Our Guest” In This Castle One More Time I’m Going To Kill Something

Damn it, Lumière. Every single time we have guests over you…
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Trump Administration Revised Terror Watch List

Nordstrom Australia Meryl Streep Cast…
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Wine Reviews By A Sommelier In The Midst Of A Heinous Breakup

Palazzo Lucca 2008 Lamprey-Stuffed River Pinot Grigio Frutti…
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Give Peas a Chance

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ENOUGH! Alright, kids. Listen up. I’ve been listening to you…
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5 Ways to Spice up Your Relationship with Russian Ambassador Sergey Kislyak

Every serious relationship goes through dry spells. It’s…