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Quiz: National Spelling Bee Winner or National Spelling Bee Winning Word

Nanatuk Venkatachalam Nandipati Appoggiatura Feldenkrai Buddiga Tidmarsh Succedaneum Demarche Sujoe National…
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Dear Mother's Needlepoint

          …
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Revised Storm Names for 2017 Atlantic Hurricane Season

After receiving an executive order, the National Hurricane Center,…
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Tripping Balls with the Founding Fathers

AUTHOR’S NOTE: Many observers of President Donald J. Trump…
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Bodyslam Your Way To Greatness: The Gianforte Way

Hello, my fellow God-fearing Americans. My name is Greg Gianforte.…
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French Kiss 2: Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron Lost in Italy

After the inaugural meeting for the G7 Summit, young and lithe…
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#DescribeImpeachmentBadly

We took to Twitter to host @HashtagZoo’s weekly hashtag game…
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Trump Delivers Commencement Speech To Liberal Arts College

Hello. Welcome. Can you believe I’m here? Not just as president,…
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Welcome To The Team! Now, Let's Find You A Good Place To Cry, Shall We?

From: SusiePLovesTV@aol.com To: Lindsey.Field@FizzNetwork.com Subject:…
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Are You Sure You Want To Log Out?

        &nbs…
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The TV Beat- What To DVR Tonight!

Sandra's Café Hilarious antics ensue when Sandra and the…
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11 Special Counsels Trump Preferred Over Robert Mueller for Trump/Russia Investigation

Jared Kushner Scooby Doo Jared Kushner Matlock Jared…
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5 Personal Essays I Didn’t Get to Publish Before the Boom was Over

For the last few days, my friends have been sharing an op-ed…
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#TrumpsLegacyWillBe

We took to Twitter to host @HashtagZoo’s weekly hashtag game…
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Contents of Comey’s Other Memos

A memo in which former FBI Director James Comey details an interaction…
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Other Super Secret Info Leaked To Russia By Trump

The White House Wifi password is password. The place underneath…
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Rejected Prom Themes

Enchanting Night Of People You’ll Never See After Graduation Dance…
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History’s Great Writers Describe Sean Spicer in the Bushes

Shakespeare   The rogue fled from me like quicksilver,…
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We Got You This Beautiful Charm Bracelet For Mother’s Day

Mom, we love you so deeply that this Mother’s Day we got you…
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LEAKED! Ernie's Memo To Staff On New HBO Set of Sesame Street

Recently, the internet learned of a memo supposedly penned by…
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"Oh Crap! It's Mother's Day" 14 Last Minute Gift Ideas

Who has time to bake a cake? Little Debbie, that's who. Social…
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#ClimateChangeIn5Words

We took to Twitter to host @HashtagZoo’s weekly hashtag game…
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James Comey’s Medications for the Recently Unemployed or Politically Compromised

Are you stressed? Worn out? Beaten down? Have recent events --…
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I’m the Ghost of a Non-Energy Efficient Home, and I Can’t Haunt This House for Shit

I’m tired of competing with typical sounds in this godforsaken…
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Cutting Edge Gardening Tips

Fire-ant mounds do admittedly appear similar to chocolate lava…
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14 Times Even Fozzie Bear Couldn’t Bail Out A Mike Huckabee Tweet

To humorless trolls who soiled themselves re: my earlier tweet-stop…
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Basic French for People That Want to Move There Now

Guys, France is safe from far-right nationalism!  This makes…
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Some Pre-Existing Conditions The GOP Will Accept

Slimy skin Tightass Sunburn from an “All Lives…
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If Adult Movie Dialogue Was Actually ‘Adult’

“Oh god, you’re harder than getting out of bed in the morning.” “I…
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STAR WARS SHOCKER: "THREEPIO'S BEEN BEATING ME FOR YEARS," SOBS ARTOO

SOMEWHERE IN THE GALAXY - Finally equipped with a simple voice…
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#MyMicrowaveSecretlyRecorded

Once again we took to Twitter to host @HashtagZoo’s weekly…
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TV Newscast from Bizarro World

Local TV evening six o’clock newscast INT. TV NEW DESK, LIGHTS,…
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Whoops! Trump Was Caught Trying To Make Sense Of The Bill Of Rights

“…either elect more Republican Senators in 2018 or change…
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Trump's Plans for a Canadian Border Wall

The Moat We’re going to build a great moat, a great moat,…
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Wikileaks Releases Cease and Desist Order From EPA to Mother Nature

From the office of Pruitt, Scott Administrator, Environmental…
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Big Boy Donny’s Birthday Party

“I want a ball, I want a party Pink…
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Turning Your Lemonade Stand Into A Solid Money-Maker

Wet Lemonade T-Shirt Contests with several of the neighborhood…
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Why I’m Inviting This Season’s Winner of MasterChef Junior to Read My Eulogy

Okay, first off, huge fan of the show, and please-- please, hold…
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14 Product Placements for Pop Songs # 9 Will Make You Literally Want To Eat Their Words

Put a BK Onion Ring On it Beyoncé The Real Slim Jim…
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Do You Need A Pep Talk?

I can tell from your appearance that you need a pep talk. I…
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Controversial Lines from the White House Correspondents' Dinner 1840-1950

The White House Correspondents’ Dinner (WHCD) has a history…
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I am 100% Committed to Being a Dad 24 Minutes a Day

Before our son was born, I couldn’t quite comprehend how my…
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Trump's First 100 Days

The biggest accomplishments by the Trump Administration during…
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MILF's 2.0: Men I’d Like to F*ck! (Better Read on in Case It’s You, Guy-at-the-Office)

/
Guys, lets face the cold hard truth: nobody gives a shit about…
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Notes to Melville (Starbuck's)

There in a stark New England room is Herman Melville: white hair,…
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Signs That You're At A Crummy Garage Sale

1) Knick knacks are in a box marked as "evidence". 2) They…

Letter From the R-Train

My dearest Petula,   Please forgive me if my hand is slow…
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Time’s List Of 100 Most Influential Times

That Time When You Were Like I’ll Never Drink Again That…
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Quiz: Brazilian Soccer Player or Yoga Pants

1. Neymar 2. Lululemon 3. Kaka 4. Garincho 5. Fabletics 6.…
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Daily Gaffermations with Sean Spicer

(Sean Spicer looks into the mirror as he begins to speak. Unable…
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#PoliticalClassifieds

Once again we took to Twitter to host @HashtagZoo’s weekly…
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Scientists Bring Back Dodo From Extinction For The Fourth Time

“Scientist leading ‘de-extinction’ effort says Harvard…
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Bill O'Reilly's Unused Final Monologue

So apparently the brass here at fucking Fox FUCKING News says…
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The Wholly Ignored Life of a Hogwarts Home Economics Professor

  Dear Headmaster Dumbledore, I am attaching the work…
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Auditing A Juggalo

INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE Robert Evans, Senior Auditor 2001…
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HighKu's

The assignment was given our subjects: Ingest one of several…
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Mar-A-Lago Menu (In the Event of Your Eventual Food Poisoning)

“Mr. Trump’s” Braised White Toast* $50.00 Chilled…
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8 Acts Weirder Than Hans Zimmer Playing Coachella

Think Hans Zimmer playing Lion King at Coachella this weekend…
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I’m 99% Sure I Just Had Sex With My First Robot

It’s 0:04am. The year is 2075. The place is the city of Chicago…
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The War on Penis Terror: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 5)

~ DEAR VAGINA SOLDIER ~ Eager to earn your dignity as an honored…
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White House Easter Egg Roll Briefing

This is the Special East Wing Briefing For The White House Easter…
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11 Amazing Last Minute Tax Hacks

Taxes are due on April 18, but there’s no need to stress. We’re…
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#DescribeSocialMediaBadly

Once again we took to Twitter to host @HashtagZoo’s weekly…
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Quiz: Celebrity Kid Name or Snack Chip Flavor

1. Rainbow Aurora 2. Chile Lime 3. Wasabi Ginger 4. Apple 5.…
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Fareed Zakaria Declares the Moments Others Truly “Became the President”

“I think Donald Trump became president of the United States.…
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Elevator Pitches for Lifetime Movies

She had to do it Because She Couldn't Have Kids. Janelle, a…
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Vacation Hotel Tips!

1) Most inexpensive motels don't have room service, but that…
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Wall Street’s Additions to Fearless Girl

PRESS RELEASE FROM STATE STREET GLOBAL ADVISORS. Due to the…
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A Note From the Witch Who Stole Sean Spicer’s Cool

First of all, I feel compelled to preface this all by saying…
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HGTV's LOVE IT OR LIST IT: DIVORCE EDITION

Mark and Sandra have been star-crossed lovers since the very…
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Notes from a Pepsi Ad Executive

“Pepsi Pulls Ad Accused of Trivializing Black Lives Matter”—New…
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How to Get Your Amazon Echo to, You Know, Do It with You

The Amazon Echo is a tremendous technological feat. This one…
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Recent Cases of iPhone Damage in the Current Political Environment

Repair Ticket #2948528 Phone smashed against wall after aunt…
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A Pilot Welcomes Passengers To Trump's America

*crackles over sound system* Hi, uhhhhhh, welcome aboard…
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#DescribePoliticsBadly

We took to twitter to play #DescribePoliticsBadly with HashtagRoundup…
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Your Pregnancy Week By Week: Meat Lovers Edition

We think that getting weekly email updates about your pregnancy…
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Budget Cut Reading List

Trump's budget cuts will no doubt have a negative effect on this…

8 Taylor Swift Lyrics That Are Also Grounds For a Restraining Order

Just have Taylor Swift add “Your Honor” to these lyrics in…

7 Movies with HUGE Holes in the Plot

1. The Shawshank Redemption 2. Indiana Jones 3. The Core 4.…
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President Trump Welcomes the First Pet

“Black crows in the meadow Across a broad highway Though…
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It's Time to Meet the 2017 RNC Babies!

What do you get when you mix $7 Bud Lights with 50,000 pro-life…
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QUIZ: Medical Condition or Accounting Firm

1. Baker Newman Noves 2. Epstein Barr 3. Riley Day 4.…
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Most Hilarious White House Pranks!

President Gerald Ford, a master tightrope artist who performed…
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Press Conference From The Discarded Crayola Crayon, Dandelion

"Okay, first off, yes, I am drunk. Very drunk. Drunk to the point…
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First-Date Customer Satisfaction Survey

Congratulations! You’ve been selected to participate in a…
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Ringling Bros Presents: Just The Elephants!

Come one! Come all! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the greatest…
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Brexit Up Is Hard To Do

The Five Stages of Grief Following a Bad Break-Up / Planned Withdrawal 1)…
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Top Five Signs That Your Pet Goldfish Is a Stockbroker from the 80's

It’s your worst nightmare, you come home late one night to…
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Other People Mike Pence Won't Dine With

Pence's wife has announced that Mike Pence never dines with women…
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The 8 Most Important Features of Samsung's New Galaxy S8

We received the new Samsung Galaxy S8 phone just the other day,…
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Things We Learned From The New Spider-Man Trailer

Robert Downey Jr. may very well be able to act his way out of…
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L. Ron Hubbard's Advice To Writers

L. Ron Hubbard, prolific writer and founder of Scientology, holds…
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NOTES TO EINSTEIN (Everything is Relative)

What if Einstein's theory of relativity got notes from TV execs,…
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Exorcising the Penis Demons: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 4)

“Blessed are the Vaginas, for they…
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Kid-Lit of the Revolution

"...it turns out, Kim Jong Il —along with dad Kim Il Sung —…
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Paul Ryan's Other Teenage Dreams

“So Medicaid, sending it back to the states, capping its growth…
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Dead Sea Scroll Excerpts That Seem To Suggest Jesus Also Made Great Hummus

Cave #1, Scroll #2, Section II:   The man known as Jesus…
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Quiz: Kyrgyzstani Political Leader or Letters Randomly Typed with My Eyes Closed

1. Almazbek Atambayev 2. Trcghed Acfsfgth 3. Grcguhgyy…
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Spring Broke: Your Cheap Destination Guide

(Your Guide To Fun, Inexpensive Places To Visit For Spring Breakers…
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The Aussie-American War – Letters from the Front

June 23, 2017 – Camp Pendleton, CA Dear Mom, Today,…
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A Timeline of the Development of the Modern Democracy

  1294 B.C.E. – Egyptian scribes break the first-ever…
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Animated Movies To Properly Prepare Kids For the Real World

Finding Chemo The Little Barmaid Stuck In A Dead End Job The…
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Missing Excerpts From JFK's Diary

JFK's handwritten diary is going up for auction, and after years,…

Guided Meditations For The Trump Era

In light of recent political events, we’ve updated our app…
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Every Emoji Is a Dick Emoji

You've probably heard the old adage "the eggplant emoji is…
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Welcome to The Wire-Tap! The DC Area's Premiere Beer Garden.

Menu Bar Snacks Sleeping With The Ene~meatballs If we're…
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How to be a Dick Without Having One: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 3)

 PUBLIC SERVICE DISCLAIMER TO ALL DISGRUNTLED “PENIS CUSTODIANS”: Dear…
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Lepre-Caan's St. Patrick's Day Tips

No Pushing And Shoving At The Bar! A snub-nosed 38 pressed into…

Signs That You Have March Madness

Seemingly are running a high fever, but in actually have simply…
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Most Anticipated New Reality Shows

Extreme Vetting  Join America’s most extreme veterinarian,…
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Unwanted Virtual Reality "Brand Experiences"

 The FedEx Immersive Apartment Feel like you’re actually…
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Today’s Applied Math Lecture

Today, class, you’re going to learn about the Knaster procedure.…
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Mike Pence Returns to The Crossroads

“I went to the crossroads, fell down on my knees, Asked the…
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Proactiv Introduces Humbling Cream, Which Gives Pimples to Cool Kids

EL SEGUNDO, CALIFORNIA—Acne medication company Proactiv today…
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Censored Sexy Pics: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 2)

Once upon a time, right about now, there is a legendary hero…
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Hip and Edgy Comic Strip Reboots

Riverdale, the hip, edgy, sexually ambiguous retooling of the…