featured-image-template-female-essay
,

5 Personal Essays I Didn’t Get to Publish Before the Boom was Over

For the last few days, my friends have been sharing an op-ed…
featured-image-templatecomey-memo
, ,

Contents of Comey’s Other Memos

A memo in which former FBI Director James Comey details an interaction…
featured-image-template-bushes
, ,

History’s Great Writers Describe Sean Spicer in the Bushes

Shakespeare   The rogue fled from me like quicksilver,…
featured-image-template-spicer-standing
featured-image-template-charms2
,

We Got You This Beautiful Charm Bracelet For Mother’s Day

Mom, we love you so deeply that this Mother’s Day we got you…
featured-image-template-ernie
,

LEAKED! Ernie's Memo To Staff On New HBO Set of Sesame Street

Recently, the internet learned of a memo supposedly penned by…
featured-image-template-comey
, , ,

James Comey’s Medications for the Recently Unemployed or Politically Compromised

Are you stressed? Worn out? Beaten down? Have recent events --…
featured-image-template-haunted
,

I’m the Ghost of a Non-Energy Efficient Home, and I Can’t Haunt This House for Shit

I’m tired of competing with typical sounds in this godforsaken…
featured-image-template-jams
featured-image-template-r2d2
, ,

STAR WARS SHOCKER: "THREEPIO'S BEEN BEATING ME FOR YEARS," SOBS ARTOO

SOMEWHERE IN THE GALAXY - Finally equipped with a simple voice…
featured-image-template-newscast
, , ,

TV Newscast from Bizarro World

Local TV evening six o’clock newscast INT. TV NEW DESK, LIGHTS,…
featured-image-template-nature
,

Wikileaks Releases Cease and Desist Order From EPA to Mother Nature

From the office of Pruitt, Scott Administrator, Environmental…
featured-image-template-MC-jr
,

Why I’m Inviting This Season’s Winner of MasterChef Junior to Read My Eulogy

Okay, first off, huge fan of the show, and please-- please, hold…
featured-image-template-pep-talk
, ,

Do You Need A Pep Talk?

I can tell from your appearance that you need a pep talk. I…
featured-image-template-wcfields
, ,

Controversial Lines from the White House Correspondents' Dinner 1840-1950

The White House Correspondents’ Dinner (WHCD) has a history…
featured-image-template-son
, ,

I am 100% Committed to Being a Dad 24 Minutes a Day

Before our son was born, I couldn’t quite comprehend how my…
featured-image-template-drawing
,

MILF's 2.0: Men I’d Like to F*ck! (Better Read on in Case It’s You, Guy-at-the-Office)

/
Guys, lets face the cold hard truth: nobody gives a shit about…
featured-image-template-moby-dick
,

Notes to Melville (Starbuck's)

There in a stark New England room is Herman Melville: white hair,…
featured-image-template-subway

Letter From the R-Train

My dearest Petula,   Please forgive me if my hand is slow…
featured-image-template-smally
, ,

Daily Gaffermations with Sean Spicer

(Sean Spicer looks into the mirror as he begins to speak. Unable…
featured-image-template-dodo
, ,

Scientists Bring Back Dodo From Extinction For The Fourth Time

“Scientist leading ‘de-extinction’ effort says Harvard…
featured-image-template-billo
, ,

Bill O'Reilly's Unused Final Monologue

So apparently the brass here at fucking Fox FUCKING News says…
featured-image-template-frap
,

The Wholly Ignored Life of a Hogwarts Home Economics Professor

  Dear Headmaster Dumbledore, I am attaching the work…
featured-image-template-tax-jug
, ,

Auditing A Juggalo

INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE Robert Evans, Senior Auditor 2001…
featured-image-template-highku
, ,

HighKu's

The assignment was given our subjects: Ingest one of several…
featured-image-template-robot
,

I’m 99% Sure I Just Had Sex With My First Robot

It’s 0:04am. The year is 2075. The place is the city of Chicago…
featured-image-template-lifetime
, , ,

Elevator Pitches for Lifetime Movies

She had to do it Because She Couldn't Have Kids. Janelle, a…
featured-image-template-spicy-witch
, ,

A Note From the Witch Who Stole Sean Spicer’s Cool

First of all, I feel compelled to preface this all by saying…
featured-image-template-pepsi
, , ,

Notes from a Pepsi Ad Executive

“Pepsi Pulls Ad Accused of Trivializing Black Lives Matter”—New…
featured-image-template-echo
, ,

How to Get Your Amazon Echo to, You Know, Do It with You

The Amazon Echo is a tremendous technological feat. This one…
featured-image-template-plane
, , ,

A Pilot Welcomes Passengers To Trump's America

*crackles over sound system* Hi, uhhhhhh, welcome aboard…
featured-image-template-taco
, ,

Your Pregnancy Week By Week: Meat Lovers Edition

We think that getting weekly email updates about your pregnancy…
featured-image-template-pranks
, ,

Most Hilarious White House Pranks!

President Gerald Ford, a master tightrope artist who performed…
featured-image-template-crayon
, , ,

Press Conference From The Discarded Crayola Crayon, Dandelion

"Okay, first off, yes, I am drunk. Very drunk. Drunk to the point…
featured-image-template-nl-travl-quiz
, , ,

First-Date Customer Satisfaction Survey

Congratulations! You’ve been selected to participate in a…
featured-image-template-elephant
, , ,

Ringling Bros Presents: Just The Elephants!

Come one! Come all! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the greatest…
featured-image-template-brexit2
, , , ,

Brexit Up Is Hard To Do

The Five Stages of Grief Following a Bad Break-Up / Planned Withdrawal 1)…
featured-image-template-s8
, , ,

The 8 Most Important Features of Samsung's New Galaxy S8

We received the new Samsung Galaxy S8 phone just the other day,…
featured-image-template-lron
,

L. Ron Hubbard's Advice To Writers

L. Ron Hubbard, prolific writer and founder of Scientology, holds…
featured-image-template-NL-emc2
,

NOTES TO EINSTEIN (Everything is Relative)

What if Einstein's theory of relativity got notes from TV execs,…
featured-image-template-NL-datingapp4
,

Exorcising the Penis Demons: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 4)

“Blessed are the Vaginas, for they…
featured-image-template-hummus
,

Dead Sea Scroll Excerpts That Seem To Suggest Jesus Also Made Great Hummus

Cave #1, Scroll #2, Section II:   The man known as Jesus…
featured-image-template-aussie
,

The Aussie-American War – Letters from the Front

June 23, 2017 – Camp Pendleton, CA Dear Mom, Today,…
featured-image-template-jfk
, ,

Missing Excerpts From JFK's Diary

JFK's handwritten diary is going up for auction, and after years,…
featured-image-template-beer
, , ,

Welcome to The Wire-Tap! The DC Area's Premiere Beer Garden.

Menu Bar Snacks Sleeping With The Ene~meatballs If we're…
featured-image-template-angeryV3
,

How to be a Dick Without Having One: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 3)

 PUBLIC SERVICE DISCLAIMER TO ALL DISGRUNTLED “PENIS CUSTODIANS”: Dear…
featured-image-template-math
,

Today’s Applied Math Lecture

Today, class, you’re going to learn about the Knaster procedure.…
featured-image-template-zits
,

Proactiv Introduces Humbling Cream, Which Gives Pimples to Cool Kids

EL SEGUNDO, CALIFORNIA—Acne medication company Proactiv today…
featured-image-template-angeryv2
,

Censored Sexy Pics: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 2)

Once upon a time, right about now, there is a legendary hero…
featured-image-template-guest
, ,

I Swear to God, If I Hear “Be Our Guest” In This Castle One More Time I’m Going To Kill Something

Damn it, Lumière. Every single time we have guests over you…
featured-image-template-winetasting
, ,

Wine Reviews By A Sommelier In The Midst Of A Heinous Breakup

Palazzo Lucca 2008 Lamprey-Stuffed River Pinot Grigio Frutti…
featured-image-template-peas
,

Give Peas a Chance

/
ENOUGH! Alright, kids. Listen up. I’ve been listening to you…
featured-image-template-cruz2
, , ,

Overheard at Trump/Cruz Dinner

President Donald Trump and Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially…
featured-image-template-wedding
featured-image-template-trappist
, ,

The Hottest Travel Destinations on TRAPPIST-1

In our present day, when it may be best to evacuate Earth, NASA…
featured-image-template-trump-tweets
featured-image-template-AV-1
, ,

The Adventures of Angry Vagina and Her Dating App

Let me tell you a tale of a close friend of mine named Angry…
featured-image-template-trump-phone
, ,

Obama Wire Tapping

What President Obama overheard while tapping Donald Trump's phone…
featured-image-template-ecard
,

Why haven’t you opened your ecard yet??

Darling, I sent you a Valentine ecard two weeks ago but I checked…
featured-image-template-NL-pat

Thanks For Your Patreon Payment!

My Good Friend Anthony, Thanks for sponsoring my creative…
featured-image-template-NL-arbys

45 Things More Shameful Than Having Your Identity Stolen at Arby's

Nope. Sorry, you blew it. You came here expecting a list of…
featured-image-template-NL-grocery

An Open Letter to Chad, the Bag Boy

Look Chad, we need to talk about your performance. But if you’ll…
featured-image-template-NL-cilantro
, ,

An Open Letter To Cilantro

Dear Cilantro,    Touché. You’ve done it again.…
featured-image-template-NL-how-to-lose
, , , ,

Trump/Putin Rom-Coms

Four Elections and An Impeachment Donald is a brash but sensitive…
featured-image-template-NL-putin-diary
, ,

Putin's Diary

Dearest Diary, Sometimes I believe you are my only friend.…
featured-image-template-NL-tits
, , , , , ,

Trump's New Rules

Meanwhile, in Donald Trump’s White House… Meeting in…
featured-image-template-NL-verybadday
, , ,

Sean Spicer and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, Period.

I went to bed chewing thirty-five pieces of gum, and before…
featured-image-template-NL-interview
, ,

President Seeking Agreeable White House Staffer

Thank you for coming in today. As you surely know, these White…
featured-image-template-NL-pray
, ,

Trump's National Prayer Breakfast Offering

Hey, are you there God? It's me, Donald. To tell you the truth,…
featured-image-template-NL-elon
, , ,

Building Your Deck with Elon Musk

Step 1 - Commit to Your Deck Hi, my name is Elon Musk and welcome…
featured-image-template-NL-wine-housework
, ,

Wine Pairings With Household Chores

According to people who make science, housecleaning affords the…
featured-image-template-NL-answering-machine
, ,

Phone Messages Left on My Senator’s Voicemail

[BEEP!] Hey, there! It’s Andy. I was just calling to check…
featured-image-template-NL-school-bear
, , ,

Grizzly Bears I Would Have Totally Shot at School

Conor, 5th Grade (Spelling Class) Conor was pretty much the…
featured-image-template-NL-guam
, ,

Procrastinators! You Can Still Move Away! Try Guam!

FYEO – Guam Chamber of Commerce Secret Plan For Attracting…
featured-image-template-NL-classaction
,

About Your Claim in the Class Action Lawsuit

  To whom it may concern:   This is to notify…
featured-image-template-NL-folder
, ,

Trump’s Golden Intelligence Briefing

Thank you for meeting with us today, Mr. President-elect. We…
featured-image-template-nl-8ball
, ,

Ask The Magic 8 Ball

Dear Magic 8 Ball, Will this be the year that…
featured-image-template-nl-text
featured-image-template-nl-awards
, ,

Announcing the 2016 Fake News Award Nominees

For over fifty years, the Fake News Awards has been proud to…
featured-image-template-nl-phonesex
, , ,

These Electoral College Members Are Hot, Willing, and Waiting For Your Online Petitions!

Hey there, concerned citizen! Are you itching to have your voice…
featured-image-template-nl-blackfriday
, ,

Black Friday Lives Matter

A Eulogy For a Family Member Trampled and Killed During Black…
featured-image-template-nl-protestor
, , ,

How to Be a White Ally Without All the Hassle

Are you distressed about the results of the recent presidential…
featured-image-template-nl-lee
featured-image-template-nl-civilwar
,

Civil War Soldier Writes Home to Mother About Losing his Virginity

“Dear Mother, I shall hope you receive this letter in good…
featured-image-template-nl-trumpletters
featured-image-template-NL-chi
,

The University of Chicago's Letter to Incoming Students

The University of Chicago recently garnered a great deal of media…
featured-image-template-NL-gunny
, , , ,

Subject: Fear Not, Gun Lovers!

********* (The highest ranking members of the GLC [Gun Lovers…
featured-image-template-NL-cash
,

Indiego-gone

Hey Man, Dude, first, thanks so much for donating to my Kickstarter…