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French Kiss 2: Justin Trudeau and Emmanuel Macron Lost in Italy

After the inaugural meeting for the G7 Summit, young and lithe…
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Trump Delivers Commencement Speech To Liberal Arts College

Hello. Welcome. Can you believe I’m here? Not just as president,…
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Welcome To The Team! Now, Let's Find You A Good Place To Cry, Shall We?

From: SusiePLovesTV@aol.com To: Lindsey.Field@FizzNetwork.com Subject:…
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5 Personal Essays I Didn’t Get to Publish Before the Boom was Over

For the last few days, my friends have been sharing an op-ed…
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Contents of Comey’s Other Memos

A memo in which former FBI Director James Comey details an interaction…
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History’s Great Writers Describe Sean Spicer in the Bushes

Shakespeare   The rogue fled from me like quicksilver,…
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We Got You This Beautiful Charm Bracelet For Mother’s Day

Mom, we love you so deeply that this Mother’s Day we got you…
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LEAKED! Ernie's Memo To Staff On New HBO Set of Sesame Street

Recently, the internet learned of a memo supposedly penned by…
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James Comey’s Medications for the Recently Unemployed or Politically Compromised

Are you stressed? Worn out? Beaten down? Have recent events --…
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I’m the Ghost of a Non-Energy Efficient Home, and I Can’t Haunt This House for Shit

I’m tired of competing with typical sounds in this godforsaken…
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STAR WARS SHOCKER: "THREEPIO'S BEEN BEATING ME FOR YEARS," SOBS ARTOO

SOMEWHERE IN THE GALAXY - Finally equipped with a simple voice…
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TV Newscast from Bizarro World

Local TV evening six o’clock newscast INT. TV NEW DESK, LIGHTS,…
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Wikileaks Releases Cease and Desist Order From EPA to Mother Nature

From the office of Pruitt, Scott Administrator, Environmental…
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Why I’m Inviting This Season’s Winner of MasterChef Junior to Read My Eulogy

Okay, first off, huge fan of the show, and please-- please, hold…
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Do You Need A Pep Talk?

I can tell from your appearance that you need a pep talk. I…
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Controversial Lines from the White House Correspondents' Dinner 1840-1950

The White House Correspondents’ Dinner (WHCD) has a history…
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I am 100% Committed to Being a Dad 24 Minutes a Day

Before our son was born, I couldn’t quite comprehend how my…
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MILF's 2.0: Men I’d Like to F*ck! (Better Read on in Case It’s You, Guy-at-the-Office)

/
Guys, lets face the cold hard truth: nobody gives a shit about…
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Notes to Melville (Starbuck's)

There in a stark New England room is Herman Melville: white hair,…

Letter From the R-Train

My dearest Petula,   Please forgive me if my hand is slow…
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Daily Gaffermations with Sean Spicer

(Sean Spicer looks into the mirror as he begins to speak. Unable…
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Scientists Bring Back Dodo From Extinction For The Fourth Time

“Scientist leading ‘de-extinction’ effort says Harvard…
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Bill O'Reilly's Unused Final Monologue

So apparently the brass here at fucking Fox FUCKING News says…
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The Wholly Ignored Life of a Hogwarts Home Economics Professor

  Dear Headmaster Dumbledore, I am attaching the work…
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Auditing A Juggalo

INTERNAL REVENUE SERVICE Robert Evans, Senior Auditor 2001…
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HighKu's

The assignment was given our subjects: Ingest one of several…
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I’m 99% Sure I Just Had Sex With My First Robot

It’s 0:04am. The year is 2075. The place is the city of Chicago…
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Elevator Pitches for Lifetime Movies

She had to do it Because She Couldn't Have Kids. Janelle, a…
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A Note From the Witch Who Stole Sean Spicer’s Cool

First of all, I feel compelled to preface this all by saying…
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Notes from a Pepsi Ad Executive

“Pepsi Pulls Ad Accused of Trivializing Black Lives Matter”—New…
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How to Get Your Amazon Echo to, You Know, Do It with You

The Amazon Echo is a tremendous technological feat. This one…
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A Pilot Welcomes Passengers To Trump's America

*crackles over sound system* Hi, uhhhhhh, welcome aboard…
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Your Pregnancy Week By Week: Meat Lovers Edition

We think that getting weekly email updates about your pregnancy…
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Most Hilarious White House Pranks!

President Gerald Ford, a master tightrope artist who performed…
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Press Conference From The Discarded Crayola Crayon, Dandelion

"Okay, first off, yes, I am drunk. Very drunk. Drunk to the point…
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First-Date Customer Satisfaction Survey

Congratulations! You’ve been selected to participate in a…
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Ringling Bros Presents: Just The Elephants!

Come one! Come all! Ladies and gentlemen, welcome to the greatest…
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Brexit Up Is Hard To Do

The Five Stages of Grief Following a Bad Break-Up / Planned Withdrawal 1)…
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The 8 Most Important Features of Samsung's New Galaxy S8

We received the new Samsung Galaxy S8 phone just the other day,…
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L. Ron Hubbard's Advice To Writers

L. Ron Hubbard, prolific writer and founder of Scientology, holds…
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NOTES TO EINSTEIN (Everything is Relative)

What if Einstein's theory of relativity got notes from TV execs,…
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Exorcising the Penis Demons: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 4)

“Blessed are the Vaginas, for they…
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Dead Sea Scroll Excerpts That Seem To Suggest Jesus Also Made Great Hummus

Cave #1, Scroll #2, Section II:   The man known as Jesus…
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The Aussie-American War – Letters from the Front

June 23, 2017 – Camp Pendleton, CA Dear Mom, Today,…
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Missing Excerpts From JFK's Diary

JFK's handwritten diary is going up for auction, and after years,…
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Welcome to The Wire-Tap! The DC Area's Premiere Beer Garden.

Menu Bar Snacks Sleeping With The Ene~meatballs If we're…
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How to be a Dick Without Having One: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 3)

 PUBLIC SERVICE DISCLAIMER TO ALL DISGRUNTLED “PENIS CUSTODIANS”: Dear…
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Today’s Applied Math Lecture

Today, class, you’re going to learn about the Knaster procedure.…
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Proactiv Introduces Humbling Cream, Which Gives Pimples to Cool Kids

EL SEGUNDO, CALIFORNIA—Acne medication company Proactiv today…
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Censored Sexy Pics: Angry Vagina and Her Dating App (Part 2)

Once upon a time, right about now, there is a legendary hero…
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I Swear to God, If I Hear “Be Our Guest” In This Castle One More Time I’m Going To Kill Something

Damn it, Lumière. Every single time we have guests over you…
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Wine Reviews By A Sommelier In The Midst Of A Heinous Breakup

Palazzo Lucca 2008 Lamprey-Stuffed River Pinot Grigio Frutti…
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Give Peas a Chance

/
ENOUGH! Alright, kids. Listen up. I’ve been listening to you…
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Overheard at Trump/Cruz Dinner

President Donald Trump and Texas Senator Ted Cruz officially…
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The Hottest Travel Destinations on TRAPPIST-1

In our present day, when it may be best to evacuate Earth, NASA…
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The Adventures of Angry Vagina and Her Dating App

Let me tell you a tale of a close friend of mine named Angry…
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Obama Wire Tapping

What President Obama overheard while tapping Donald Trump's phone…
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Why haven’t you opened your ecard yet??

Darling, I sent you a Valentine ecard two weeks ago but I checked…

Thanks For Your Patreon Payment!

My Good Friend Anthony, Thanks for sponsoring my creative…

45 Things More Shameful Than Having Your Identity Stolen at Arby's

Nope. Sorry, you blew it. You came here expecting a list of…

An Open Letter to Chad, the Bag Boy

Look Chad, we need to talk about your performance. But if you’ll…
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An Open Letter To Cilantro

Dear Cilantro,    Touché. You’ve done it again.…
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Trump/Putin Rom-Coms

Four Elections and An Impeachment Donald is a brash but sensitive…
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Putin's Diary

Dearest Diary, Sometimes I believe you are my only friend.…
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Trump's New Rules

Meanwhile, in Donald Trump’s White House… Meeting in…
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Sean Spicer and the Terrible, Horrible, No Good, Very Bad Day, Period.

I went to bed chewing thirty-five pieces of gum, and before…
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President Seeking Agreeable White House Staffer

Thank you for coming in today. As you surely know, these White…
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Trump's National Prayer Breakfast Offering

Hey, are you there God? It's me, Donald. To tell you the truth,…
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Building Your Deck with Elon Musk

Step 1 - Commit to Your Deck Hi, my name is Elon Musk and welcome…
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Wine Pairings With Household Chores

According to people who make science, housecleaning affords the…
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Phone Messages Left on My Senator’s Voicemail

[BEEP!] Hey, there! It’s Andy. I was just calling to check…
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Grizzly Bears I Would Have Totally Shot at School

Conor, 5th Grade (Spelling Class) Conor was pretty much the…
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Procrastinators! You Can Still Move Away! Try Guam!

FYEO – Guam Chamber of Commerce Secret Plan For Attracting…
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About Your Claim in the Class Action Lawsuit

  To whom it may concern:   This is to notify…
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Trump’s Golden Intelligence Briefing

Thank you for meeting with us today, Mr. President-elect. We…
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Ask The Magic 8 Ball

Dear Magic 8 Ball, Will this be the year that…
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Announcing the 2016 Fake News Award Nominees

For over fifty years, the Fake News Awards has been proud to…
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These Electoral College Members Are Hot, Willing, and Waiting For Your Online Petitions!

Hey there, concerned citizen! Are you itching to have your voice…
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Black Friday Lives Matter

A Eulogy For a Family Member Trampled and Killed During Black…
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How to Be a White Ally Without All the Hassle

Are you distressed about the results of the recent presidential…
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Civil War Soldier Writes Home to Mother About Losing his Virginity

“Dear Mother, I shall hope you receive this letter in good…
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The University of Chicago's Letter to Incoming Students

The University of Chicago recently garnered a great deal of media…
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Subject: Fear Not, Gun Lovers!

********* (The highest ranking members of the GLC [Gun Lovers…
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Indiego-gone

Hey Man, Dude, first, thanks so much for donating to my Kickstarter…