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5 Valuable Life Lessons I Learned Managing the 837 Checking Accounts Wells Fargo Opened for Me

If there’s one thing I learned from watching movies about other…
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Items Purchased With Misappropriated Trump Foundation Funds

Human centipede made up of losers from past seasons of The Apprentice. [$20K…
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The Politically Incorrect Traveler's Exam

Travel magazines, basic cable channels, and websites inevitably…
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Top FAQs On The Ashley Madison Site

If I catch an STD from one of the dates provided by your site,…
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TV Preview

Chillax, Inc. Thanks to an accounting…
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Highlighted Excerpts of Interest From the FBI's Investigation of Hillary's Emails

"... just saying, if someone is being paid to give me a proper…
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Top Five Tips for Selecting Babies from the Hospital Nursery

Who isn’t an animal lover? Our pets are our best friends, our…
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Fall Movie Preview

It's fall, time to wave goodbye to the people shooting at you…
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What Will it Take to Get Anthony Weiner to Stop Sexting?

There are only a few viable scenarios that appear likely:   His…
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The University of Chicago's Letter to Incoming Students

The University of Chicago recently garnered a great deal of media…
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'Stranger Things' Demogorgon Exclusive Interview

In the wake of Netflix's smash hit Stranger Things, fans are…
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10 Other Things Ryan Lochte Also "Over Exaggerated"

After the Olympic games closed, Ryan Lochte's mom discovered…
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In Defense of Heather Bresch and EpiPen Price Hike

People are chomping at the bit, demanding blood and worse from…
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Real, Genuine Reasons Donald J. Trump Is Refusing To Release His Tax Returns

Accidentally spilled a two liter of Big Red soda onto the form,…
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Non-Televised Rio Olympics Events

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100m Police Chase Rusty Wire Fence Hurdles Smoke-Grenade…
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Subject: Fear Not, Gun Lovers!

********* (The highest ranking members of the GLC [Gun Lovers…
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Answer Sheet For The Exam Of Kanye’s God-Level Sommelier

Any deviation from these exact answers during the blind tasting…
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Trump’s Olympic Demonstration Sports

Ratings for the 2016 Olympics were way down from the London 2012…
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The Endings Of Those Novels You Were Supposed To Read Over The Summer

A new school year is fast approaching, and I'm willing to bet…
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Signs Trump Is Actually Losing It

Recently paid workers for a job he hired them to perform. Gave…
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Six Republican Men You’d Totally Invite into the Bathroom with Your Daughter

We’ve all been there: watching your young daughter walk into…
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Potentially Delicious Items from the 2016 DNC Concession Menu

Hill-a-refried Beans $25.00 We in the food service industry…
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DNC Drinking Game!

Drink every time someone says that they are NOT Donald Trump Drink…
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Duties of Those Cleaning the Convention Center Following the RNC

Repair porta potty glory holes Contact landfill re: thousands…
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Tasty Items For Sale At The RNC Concession Stands

Trump Roast $74.50 Baloney. Lots and lots of roasted baloney.…
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GOP Convention Drinking Game!

Drink every time the camera pans to an overweight woman in a…
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Four Strange Things Found in Michelle Obama's 2008 DNC Speech

With all this fuss about plagiarism from Melania Trump's RNC…
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President Trump White House Tour

A first-person account by one lucky reporter It is a pretty…
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The Real Reasons Behind The Female Ghostbusters Backlash

1) Most Ghostbusters fan-boys are more scared of women than they…
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Least Coveted Raffle Prizes

Cursed monkey hand Do-It-Yourself Human Centipede Kit $25 gift…
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Failed Made-Up Names Before They Settled on Brexit

 Great Escapain' Eng-leave Great Bail-in' Boris, Farage,…
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Whore-O-Scope

[Prostitutional Premonitions] Aries (March 21- April 19) You…
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Handy-Dandy Tips On Staying Safe From Shark Attacks

While swimming, find a shark and wrestle it to submission.  …
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Tips For A Fun, Massacre-Free Backyard Barbecue

No need to be as lax as the US Govt's gun-purchasing policies.;…
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Classic Romantic Comedies If They Were Set In 2016

1. When Harry Met Sally   Instead of it taking Harry…
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What's On The DVR?

Pixar Presents Keeping Up With The CARdashians Disney's…
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The Crossword Couple!

NOTE TO READERS: "The Crossword Couple," Eric and Colleen Belknap,…
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So You’re Thinking of Symbolically Adopting an Elephant

It may be the biggest decision in your life. If it is, consider…
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Letters That Dear Abby Stopped Reading After One Sentence

Dear Abby, As a longtime fan of your column, as well as someone…
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A Few Examples of When It’s Okay, Even Advisable, To Report Your Neighbor To The Police

His only contributions to the block garage sale are always…
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Things Paul Ryan Would Endorse For President Before Donald Trump

Speaker of the House Paul Ryan announced this week that he would…
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Eulogy for a Cobra Command Henchmen

Hello, thank you all for coming today. We are here not to mourn,…
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New Career Plans For Ted Cruz

It looks like it's getting to be about that time. The time for…
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Popular Prom Themes For 2016

1) Oxy Pads & Oxycontin 2) The Waltzing Dead 3) MTV's Teen…
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For All The Nevers In Life: If The State Farm Ad was Self-Aware

[We open on a wild, alcohol-fueled pool party with…
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Bernie Sanders Campaign Groupie Sex Diary

It's proven to be a passionate electoral season, and voters have…
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Most Referenced FAQs on the Cialis Website

1) Will Cialis work even if my partner and I have grown to despise…
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Expert Tequila Taste Test

Tequila is the name of a distilled beverage from Mexico, made…
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Trump Snarls

Two hours after his latest victory sort-of-speech following a…
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Batman and Superman: AN ORAL HISTORY

Superman: Oh, yeah, we were tight. Me and Bats? Are you kidding?…
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Overly Specific Rejected Facebook Emojis

Coked Up   "Check out my new dental work"   Super…
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TRUMP SAYS HE WOULD SELECT SUPREME COURT JUSTICE VIA REALITY SHOW

GOP frontrunner Donald Trump took time to discuss how he'd…
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GOP Primary Forecast

UPDATED FEBRUARY 23 As we head into the final stretch of the…
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Domestic Terrorism Pinterest Projects

The Ku Klux Klan’s Whites Only Dorito Corn Dogs   Perfect…
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Newly Leaked Hillary Emails Suggest She May Have Seen 'Hamilton,' Or Is Just Crazy

Original Message From:Huma Abedin <Huma@clintonemail.com> To:…
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MAN KICKED OUT OF ALL-YOU-CAN-EAT BUFFET AFTER EATING MORE THAN 50 LBS OF FOOD, SUES FOR $2-MILLION

from WORLD NEWS DAILY REPORT Springfield| A man from Massachusetts…
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NPR FAN FICTION

 “Escape from the Zombies in the Village by the Potomac”   Terry…
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New Art Gallery Openings

Winter has arrived, why not go out and see an art exhibit or…
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Minorities To Boycott Razzies Due To Underrepresentation

It's not just the Academy Awards that are under fire from African-American…
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Tip-Top Tips to Terminate a Trumper Tantrum

The world can be a scary place even without Donald Trump around.…
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Hillary's Top Secret E-Mails

After several months of furious work, hackers have managed to…
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New On Broadway!

My Dinner with Andre II: Just Desserts Andre Gregory and Wallace…
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Presidential Candidates Footwear

After the Ted Cruz campaign drew attention to Marco Rubio’s…
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How To: World Domination for Bears

Are you a bear and can read? Do you lust for more than just salmon?…
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The Summer of My Erotic Marxist Awakening

I suppose we were what you'd call an odd couple, Karl Heinrich Marx and me. After all, I was just a pimple-faced 14-year-old from Kenosha, WI, and he was the German revolutionary and theorist whose Communist Manifesto had forever altered the course of Western Civilization.
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Dear Donald

Donald Trump receives thousands of letters every week asking…
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Santa Claus Arrested on 132 Million Counts of Breaking and Entering

Following a sting operation at a Los Angeles-area apartment complex,…
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IT'S A WONDERFUL LIFE - THE DISCARDED "POTTERSVILLE" ENDING

The screenplay for the 1946 holiday classic It's a Wonderful…
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Things to Bet On In NY Now that FanDuel and DraftKings Are Shut Down

-300 Express subway train pulls away right as you get to the…
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Competitive Duck Mimicry to Debut at 2016 Summer Olympics

The International Duck Mimicry Federation has announced Duck…
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Most Likely Places to Find Pipes Mistakenly Left Behind by Bertrand Russell

Most Likely Places to Find Pipes Mistakenly Left Behind by Bertrand…
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Rent-A-Baby

Hello ladies.  Are you 40?   Single? Married? Divorced? Overworked?…
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Pumpkin Spice Latte; A DEA Drug Fact Sheet

Autumn comes with shortening days, and associations with stressful…
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Chinese Vacation: Beijing pt 1

My dad is persona non grata in the People’s Republic of China.…
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How Did I Get Here?

We wrote this book because you've probably been hearing all…
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Justin's Junk NSFW

It's been ALL OVER THE WEB! And yes, it's impressive. Wow. I…
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Indiego-gone

Hey Man, Dude, first, thanks so much for donating to my Kickstarter…
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Pope’s Dope Robe Probed

Hey The Pope - just because you're The Pope doesn't mean you…
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How To: World Domination for Pirates

Congratulations on your interest in world domination! You are…
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How to Dominate Friends and Repel Losers

Dale Carnegie’s seminal work, How to Win Friends and Influence…
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Who Said It: Donald Trump or Bill the Butcher from "Gangs of New York"?

1. “You see this knife? I'm gonna teach you to speak English…
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Geppeto: Helicopter Parent

FROM: Geppetto@earthlink.com TO: Sunnydale Elementary Listserv RE:…
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The Olive Garden Specials Menu written by a Former Political Operative

The Gamechanger This artichoke and basil pesto panini is, simply…
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50 Least Infectious Diseases

1. Subhuman papillomavirus 2. Weeping cough 3. Mackerel degeneration 4.…
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My Sincerest Apologies: Barnes & Noble

Dear Barnes and Noble, I am so sorry. I know nothing I can…
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The 50 Least Successful Minor League Franchises

1. San Fernando Valley Fluffers 2. Briscoe County Juniors 3.…