Today beloved television and film actor, Rob Lowe, tweeted to a nation of sports fans hungry for any semblance of news that Peyton Manning would choose today to announce his retirement from the game he has so dominated for the better part of 14 years.

While Mr. Lowe’s sources have yet to be revealed and his statement yet to be confirmed, we here at National Lampoon were nonetheless impressed by the swift acquisition by Mr. Lowe of his modern day Twitter Nostradamus status. We asked Mr. Lowe to probe his sources – or his possible psychic powers–  for a few other predictions on matters our readers might find important. Here’s a few of the shocking revelations he shared with us.

The Winner of 2012′s season of American Idol will be a 19-year old girl named Rileigh something or other.

A giant fireball will crash into earth on December 29, 2012 somewhere around the Orlando area– one week after the predicted Mayan apocalypse. The fireball will have no effect on the Earth’s atmosphere and be turned into a Disney Theme Park.

“Parks and Rec” will be renewed for “infinity seasons” by NBC.

Popular 70′s and 80′s game show “Card Sharks” will make a return to TV in primetime, hosted by Alfonso Ribeiro of “Fresh Prince” and “Silver Spoons” fame.

Kim Jong-un will be invited to the NBA All-Star weekend and win the slam dunk contest.

Mitt Romney will win the GOP Nomination for the 2012 Presidential race, but will fail to carry the state of Mississippi during the general election.

Viola Davis will receive the Best Actress Oscar for her role in The Help.

All iPhones will self-destruct on 12/12/12.

The adult film industry will uproot itself to the unlikely city of Las Vegas, Nevada, when Los Angeles forces all performers to wear condoms.

Switzerland will finally pick a side.

The use of parsnips in cooking will be outlawed and massive quantities of the crop will be burned on an international scale.

The Cubs will capture their first World Series title since 1908 after replacing their entire lineup with their AAA Iowa farm club in the second half of the 2012 season.