We at National Lampoon were able to get our hands on one of the most talked about reality tv pilots making the rounds at networks. The premise of ‘Tween House’ is a familiar one: 12 girls, living together in a mansion while competing for a cash prize and the all important chance at fame.

The girls, who vary in age from 6 to 11, are competing for $1,500 cash and an exclusive deal as the face of the start up clothing line, 6X-TREEM by Ali Lohan. The brand targets petite fashionistas aged 6-18. as the clothing is exclusively size 6X, a children’s clothing size designed to fit the average (but not fat ‘average’) 6-7 year old.  Lohan, 17, also serves as the show host.
Fans of reality shows will be familiar with some of the contestants- ’Toddlers and Tiaras’ star Paisley,  ’Dance Moms’ Mackenzie, and Gosselin twins Maddie and Cara, of ‘Kate Plus 8′. The rest of the girls are accomplished pageant title holders and regional theater veterans anxious to hit it big or, for 6 year old Dawn,  ’make Daddy come home’. The pilot has  plenty of drama, tears and high stakes: 7 year old Tiphannie must choose between staying in the house or visiting her dying Nana. A 9 year old contestant is booted from the competition after her mother is caught smuggling thermoses of what is discovered to be a mixture of 5 Hour Energy supplement, Diet Mountain Dew and protein powder. 6 year old Plum collapses from exhaustion after a grueling ‘boot camp’ style workout in the Tustin, California heat.

The girls form cliques and pull classic little girl pranks (a ponytail is cut off, a dress is set on fire) but get really down to business when it’s time to compete.

The show follows the basic competition formula: The prize challenge has the girls, adorned in 6X-TREEM’s signature nude catsuit, take candid self portrait photos. The winner gets 30 minutes of playtime with a local shelter dog. For the elimination challenge, the girls audition to be in a direct response commercial for a make your own candy necklace kit.

The panel of judges features both Ali and her ‘momager’ Dina Lohan, a visibly uncomfortable Taylor Hicks and controversial teen bride Courtney Stodden, who tells 8 year old Tampa to ‘flaunt the booty’  and screams ‘lick the candy!’ at the girls.

Parents and legal guardians watch and critique the competitions and judges deliberations from a room in the house, with the exception of Gosselin who insisted on screening privately from a monitor in the garage.

The winner gets to appear in the commercial, while the loser child is banished from the Tween House and told to ‘Call Your Mommy and Go!’
The show has already come under fire from several parenting groups calling it ‘a disgrace’  ’dangerous and irresponsible’ and even questioning if it borders on child endangerment. Lohan and her production company have no comment on the outrage, as they are currently in negotiations with several interested networks.