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Civil War Soldier Writes Home to Mother About Losing his Virginity

“Dear Mother,

I shall hope you receive this letter in good health as I have been afforded the opportunity to write you a few lines before mail goes out this afternoon. In spite of the weary passage of time, I bear good news! I have so seen to the loss of my virginity here in Pennsylvania.

I find no greater satisfaction than to speak elegantly of my beloved. Her name is Margaret and she serves as a volunteer nurse here in the barracks. She is of fifty-five years old, much greater than my own seventeen, but has the wisdom and experience of many lifetimes.

I came to her graces after suffering an injury to my leg whilst in action, a sprain to my knee. Her touch on that day was as tender as that which I felt nary a fortnight later. My knee in full recovery, she took to my bedside following her rounds and we engaged in the delicate act of lovemaking.

The curls of her grey-streaked hair reminded me of home, but the forceful thrust of her hips was of a place I had yet to explore, yet long to return to. I intend to meet with her again this evening, prior to the movement of our regiment further south. I can only hope that she is chosen to travel with us, or at least a comely lass of her same disposition.

I wish to say that I have also rec’d your letter and package in good order. Please send my warmest regards to father, and I hope he has recovered swiftly from the gout. I ask that you do not share the details of this letter with sister, as it can be far too much information for her young soul.

May you rest well and worry not, as I hope to see you all again in due time. Until that day, I shall bask in the bountiful landscape that is fair Margaret’s bosom until I can do so no longer. In sending this, I am taking Miss Margaret’s advice to inform you all of my achievements.

Ever your affectionate son,

James C. Handly”


 

Sent two weeks later…

 

“Dear Mother,

It was brought to my attention that Ms. Margaret’s intentions to have me ‘write home about it’ were not to be taken literally. She has informed me that the phrase is merely an expression. I apologize for any ill favor this has set upon you or father.

Affectionately,

James C. Handly”

Written by Steve Perry

Steve Perry

Steve Perry is a commentator, writer, and podcast host who lives in Rhode Island with his wife, two dogs, and three cats. The American dream.

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