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About Your Claim in the Class Action Lawsuit

 

To whom it may concern:

 

This is to notify you about a proposed settlement of a class action lawsuit filed in 2010 against the phone company for overcharging between January 1, 2007 and December 31, 2008. A settlement of $8 million was proposed on Sept. 1, 2016. You are eligible to submit a claim if you can even remember that you once talked into a phone stuck into the wall nearly ten years ago.  Below is a summary of your legal rights and options.

 

Your options include:

a) You can CHOOSE TO DO THE MATH and realize that since this class action settlement is being divided among millions of people who use the phone company, your portion will likely be smaller than the cost to mail this thing in. Then, you can either choose to send in the form to receive your approximately three cents (net), or do nothing because you actually have a life.

b) You can CHUCKLE IN DISBELIEF at the naiveté of some people who thought life was fair, for life is surely not fair, and even when three optimistic souls rightfully attempted to take on The Man and spent six years in and out of court, they’re only getting back legal fees plus a small settlement that they must split with millions of apathetic losers who sat on the couch and did nothing. If you choose this option, you have the same two followup options: One, fill out the form on the back and mail it in, or two, be realistic and forfeit your eligibility for a claim.

c) You can SIGH IN DISAPPOINTMENT at a legal system that makes you wish you were dumb enough to not know what really goes on in this world.

d) You can BE FRUSTRATED THAT YOU EVEN TOOK THE TIME TO READ THIS and deposit this letter into the recycling pail at the foot of your driveway, not to be confused with the one on the right that has notes taped from your neighbor who keeps accusing you of leaving dog poo in his bins.

e) You can ATTEND THE FINAL SETTLEMENT HEARING to raise concerns about the size of the settlement. Even though the proposal was reached in later summer, we still have a Final Settlement Hearing scheduled for…wait, the day before you receive this. What are you going to do, sue the post office, big man?

f) You can OBJECT TO SETTLING AT ALL AND WRITE A LETTER TO THE COURT stating that you want the case to go to trial, thus ensuring that the three patsies who bothered suing will learn a harder lesson by frittering away even more of their retirement money, and they’ll probably let you alone the next time a corporate behemoth gives them a deep dicking.

g) EXCLUDE YOURSELF FROM THE CASE AND PRESERVE YOUR RIGHT TO SUE and find out how much waiting and pain you can take.

PART II

 

These are the instructions for claiming a portion of the settlement. Please follow carefully.

 

Fill in the blanks with your address, Social Security number, starting and ending dates in which you used your landline (if you remember what one looks like), and your present and past phone number/s. If you believe you owned a communication device in 2007 and 2008 and were unable to move more than two feet from the wall while talking on it, that was probably a landline. Do not confuse it with your TV converter or modem. For context, you may have spent those years waiting on line for Spiderman 3 or worrying about Britney Spears’ custody battle, in which case you are likely insipid enough to file this claim. Fill in the blanks and mail back.

 

Note: While it’s true that this settlement will be divided among millions of people, it’s also true that thousands have croaked waiting for the thing to work its way through legal channels, and are still croaking daily, so you may wind up with a shiny nickel.

 

To sum up your options:

  1. You can be a sucker and try to get a refund by filling out the form.
  2. You can choose to do nothing and miss out on a nearly pointless opportunity.
  3. You can take a stand and either object to the settlement amount in court, or write a letter to the judge and preserve your right to sue, thus showing the wimps who are trying to settle what it’s like to be a true mensch.

 

Should you have any questions, please call our firm at (800) 555-7600 before our phone service “mysteriously” gets cut off again.

 

Thank you.

 

 

 

 

Written by Caren Lissner

Caren Lissner

Caren Lissner’s humorous first novel, Carrie Pilby,was just made into a feature film starring Nathan Lane and Bel Powley, available on the internet and on cable. Her writing has appeared in the New York Times and various other publications. Follow her on Twitter at @carenlissner.

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