A Comprehensive Advisory System Based On Sean Spicer’s Standing Patterns As Devised By Homeland Security

Feet straight ahead, eyes forward, hands not on podium:

A relatively calm, slow day at the White House. So far no one’s been fired, and the President’s only tweeted twice about not colluding with Russia and once about voter fraud.

One foot pointed forward, the other angled to the side, eyes downcast, one hand in pocket:

CNN reporters are asking too many questions about climate change and the Paris Agreement. Meanwhile, Prime Minister Trudeau just closed the gender pay gap, and created 800,000 new jobs by switching Canada to 100% sustainable energy.

One foot crossed in front of the other, both hands on podium, eyes darting from side to side:

The President’s gone back to tweeting unrestrainedly about Obama wiretapping him, and the acting FBI director refuses to kill the hundreds of stories popping up about it. Two minutes before the press conference, the President informed Spicer he’d be firing the new FBI director imminently, but not to inform the media yet.

Feet wide open in second position, hands rifling through papers, eyes squinting:

Faking orgasms has just been added to the list of pre-existing conditions in the GOP health care bill, and Spicer’s just been alerted via earpiece that the president left the White House on a Wednesday to take Eric and Jared to Mar-A-Lago’s private strip club for a “working” lunch.

Toes turned slightly inward and hands pointing in reporters’ general direction:

Trump’s re-upped the travel ban, publicly cursed out three federal judges and Melania’s filed for divorce and sole custody of Baron.

Toes turned completely inward, one shoe off, eyes circling wildly, hands flailing like an inflatable arm-flailing tube man:

California seceded from the United States to form its own country with The Rock as its president, Ivanka is being held hostage in North Korea for trying to sell Kim Jung-un’s wife poison kitten heels, and Trump fired Vice President Pence after Pence caught him having Skype sex with Putin while wearing a “Make Russmerica great again” cap.

Lying on back, toes straight up, eyes closed, hands still:

Trump’s impeached by a landslide majority in the House and Senate. Dippin’ Dots has been unanimously voted the ice cream of the future.


Written by Allison Hirschlag

Allison Hirschlag

Ally Hirschlag is a writer from Brooklyn who lives with mild anxiety over what her cats are doing in the other room. You can find her work at Mic, Upworthy, Teen Vogue, and elsewhere. Follow her on Twitter @allyhirschlag.