Fire-ant mounds do admittedly appear similar to chocolate lava cake, but do not eat them. Try, at least.
Save on your water bill by hiring a few homeless people spit on your garden.
Gardening in a full suit of armor may seem like a bad idea, but… actually, that is a bad idea. Yeah, don’t do that.
Don’t attempt to keep bugs out of your mouth by spraying bug spray onto your tongue. Just keep your mouth closed.
Tomato plants can make your skin itchy, so wear gloves. Also, tomatoes are gross, so just don’t plant any.
Be sure to wear a gardening hat. When neighborhood kids make rude comments, use a large squash to make a series of obscene gestures.
Test the fertility of your soil by burying several fertility tests, available at your nearby Planned Parenthood location. (For Now)