Daily Planner Schedule For The Elf On The Shelf

9:30 am

Tinkle into the dishwasher’s detergent container.

10:15 am

Pop up and down on the kitchen window-sill , hoping to give the gardening widow next door a heart attack.

11:30 am

Lunch with MILF On The Shelf.

12:15 pm

 Sufficiently liquored up, try the “You’re standing under the mistle-blow.” line on the MILF On The Shelf.

12:23 pm

Promise to call the MILF On The Shelf back “after the holidays”, secure in the knowledge that I’ll be in a box in the attic by then.

2:00 pm

 Chase the dog around the house.

3:30 pm

Take some of the mom’s purse coke, and hide it in the daughter’s jean pockets.

5:00 pm

Get back on the shelf.

6:35 pm

 Intentionally fall off of the shelf and scare the crap out of everybody.

Written by Kit Lively

Kit Lively

Ain’t It Cool News said of Kit, “If Gary Larson is Bill Cosby, then Kit is Richard Pryor.” That’s a great quote, right? Man, I love that quote! That was, until Bill Cosby turned out to be a deplorable serial rapist. Now the quote isn’t worth shit, even though my name isn’t linked directly to Cosby’s! Thanks a lot Bill, you jackass. Not only have you ruined dozens of lives with your rapey ways, but you’ve ruined a perfectly good quote as well. I hope you rot in Hell, you scumbag.
Anyway, Kit’s cartoons have been published by lots of humor magazines, etc. etc. yadda yadda. (sigh)….