Dead Sea Scroll Excerpts That Seem To Suggest Jesus Also Made Great Hummus

Cave #1, Scroll #2, Section II:


The man known as Jesus arrived in Galilee and soaked the [chickpeas] in the pure, clean water of the Sea, drawing an enamored crowd of faithful Jews and pagans alike. He gracefully emulsified the simple bean into a mixture of oil from Judean olives, juice of the lemon, and a savory umber powder of the orient. The crowd came to bow in reverence of the divinely bestowed slurry.


Cave #1, Scroll #5, Section XII:


The entire congregation sang the Prophet’s name in praise as they consumed the mashed legumes; the perfect consistency and subtle acidity were particular partiality to the Canaanites. “My efforts were for thee, and so that you may hence know the way to this immaculate, toothsome amalgamation,” whispered the man Jesus to those not deaf of the crowd. “Use it for what you will and know I am with you.”


Cave #1, Scroll #11, Section VI:


The humble Rabbi, Son of Man proclaimed softly but with zeal: “Taketh thee this bowl and have faith that it should be full, for sesame paste and chickpeas have taken the place of what was once vacant nothingness. Bring down your arms in prayer and grind thine pestles into the Lord’s mortar. Salt to taste.”


Cave #2, Scroll #3, Sections III and IV:


The newly converted stood around their Messiah, begging for more heavenly knowledge, courage, and meze. “O Holiest, with what must we scoopeth?” shouted Zaddok of Bethsaida, a simple but faithful man who met the Lord Jesus as a boy. “Be still, my son. May I suggest this toasted Lavash bread or perhaps a simple crudité? Less is more—let the masterful blend speak for itself.”

Written by Connor McCausland

Connor McCausland

Connor writes comedy for himself and others in New York City. He’s trying very hard. His writing has appeared in AboveAverage, Reductress, McSweeneys, and CollegeHumor.