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Department of Nihilism Study Finds That Nothing Matters Anyway

WASHINGTON, DC – A new report by the federal Department of Nihilism (DON) has found that nothing matters anyway. “Furthermore,” says the report’s text, “the Department of Nihilism does not need to exist, nor does anything else.”

 

The study, the last for outgoing Secretary of Nihilism Andrew Cartwright, confirms the findings of every annual DON report dating back to the Department’s 1977 formation under President Jimmy Carter.

 

2017 brings uncertainty for DON, as Richard Watkins, an earnest Dairy Queen manager, is slated to replace philosophy-professor Cartwright at the head of the Department. Watkins has in the past made public statements seemingly at odds with DON’s mission, including “things matter very much” and “in particular, the Department of Nihilism is essential.”

 

Sources with knowledge of DON have raised questions as to what this new leadership means for the Department’s joint venture with the French Ministry of Pataphysics to construct a hollow transatlantic pipeline and then completely disassemble it at a cost of trillions of dollars. Watkins has been noncommittal about the project, though he’s said “those thousands of union jobs are critical.” Cartwright scoffed at Watkins’s take on the project. “The reason for the pipeline is not to boost employment. There is no reason for the pipeline.”

 

At this turbulent time, K Street mainstays the Chamber of Stoicism urged Americans to remain calm. “Only the sage is truly free,” said Chamber of Stoicism spokesperson Kim Hansen, “and virtue itself is sufficient for happiness.” Asked whether the Chamber’s lobbying efforts were behind several US representatives’ choice to forego earmarks in favor of silent contemplation, she abruptly put a stop to questions from the press.

 

In his own way, Cartwright seems to have heeded the Chamber of Stoicism’s advice. “It is of no consequence,” he said at a press conference, “who runs this department, or any department. In fact, human life itself has no intrinsic value.”


 

Written by Jonathan Zeller

Jonathan Zeller

Jonathan Zeller is a writer, editor and comedian who’s contributed to McSweeney’s, The New York Times, and Teen Vogue.

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