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Elevator Pitches for Lifetime Movies

She had to do it Because She Couldn’t Have Kids.

Janelle, a beautiful woman with rock-hard abs and icy blue eyes, harbors a deep secret. (Spoiler alert: She is insane and kills when she doesn’t get her way.) She ingratiates herself with a refreshingly naïve family where the extremely trusting mother with sympathetic brown eyes and sufficiently buff father fall for her charms. Daddy feels momentarily neglected when his wife pays more attention to their newborn son and proceeds to engage in a torrid affair with Janelle. It only lasts for a few sessions of basic cable lovemaking (with lots of shots of their toned backs and strong jawlines unhinged in ecstasy) until he realizes the error of his ways. By then it will be too late. Janelle’s full-blown psychosis will threaten the whole family. Carnage will include wife’s best friend played by an actress who isn’t as good looking but is the first to suspect Janelle may not be the nurturing nanny the couple hired.


[Working Title] Name: The Really Raw and Raunchy Story

Unauthorized biopic of some still-living singer or starlet who has had a problem with drugs or has been in the tabloids a lot because of all of her failed romances. (It doesn’t matter who it is specifically; the title will be more provocative than the actual movie.) Must cast an actress who is, of course, skinny and attractive but doesn’t really look or sound anything like the real person in question.


Mother, May I Sleep with Everyone on Campus?

Innocent, extremely attractive girl from religious upbringing goes to college in some God-forsaken place like Los Angeles or New York. One week into dorm life, she discovers Boone’s Strawberry Hill Wine and sex. She learns that UTIs may hurt like hell, but the devil’s vengeance her mother warned her about is easily cleared with antibiotics.  This age-old, extremist tale will be told with a modern twist, however, as our heroine becomes a sexually fluid symbol of empowerment and seduces all of her male and female professors and procures straight As throughout her undergraduate career. She lands her first post-university job as a paid intern for a prominent politician.


Untitled project to boost network’s reputation

This vanity project stars and will be directed and executive produced by some otherwise-legitimate actress who is just past her prime (any famous woman older than 31) and is actually respected but won’t be after this movie airs. Actress/director/producer will enlist one or two B-list actor friends to appear in cameos. With all of these Golden Globe and Cable Ace Award nominees attached to the project, promotional possibilities are limitless. (Note: if unable to procure female talent for the project, James Franco is available.)


Spinster Nightmare

Franny wears baggy sweaters and long skirts. A pharmacist by day, she spends her evenings reading erotica and tending to her pet tortoise Poe. She is content with her life until she meets a Bob, man who seems like a dream come true. He’s handsome and wears glasses, so she knows he’s smart and trustworthy. They date for six months. He brings out the best in her. Montage shows Franny shedding the dowdy threads in favor of fitted Ann Taylor apparel. They marry at the local courthouse. She moves into his sensible townhouse and donates Poe to a local zoo. Her fairytale ending is short-lived, however, when she realizes Bob is a sociopath. (Carnage includes man at hardware store who suggests Bob doesn’t know how to use a wrench.) She should have realized this the first time Bob came home with her, and Poe refused to take his head out of his shell. Now, she’ll have to fight to survive. Then, she’ll bring Poe home and return to loose clothing and messy hair buns.


Written by Erin Auerbach

Erin Auerbach

Erin Auerbach is a past recipient of the Art Buchwald Award for Humorous Writing and a former features writer for a daily newspaper. She and yoga are taking a break.

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