Originals

In The Event Of Nuclear War I’m Teaching My Cockroaches How To Lock Up The House

Well, it seems like despite everyone’s best efforts, the world may soon be coming to an apocalyptic end – and I for one plan on being fully prepared in every way. I think a prudent, armageddon-ready first step is making sure my home and valuables are secure in the event of a nuclear blast, and I plan on doing so by making sure my three pet cockroaches know exactly how to lock up the house.

 

I trust Joseph, the eldest, to at least have the intuition to lock the door behind him—I just worry the complexities of the lock/height of the door may intimidate him to the point where he forgoes doing so once in awhile. He gets stressed out pretty easily, and typically doesn’t even go out that much, so I’ll have to teach the others despite my trusting in him to always lock up. He survived Nagasaki, so I understand he’s scarred, but sometimes it’s excessive. Turns out even 300 million years of evolution doesn’t breed out anxiety too easily.

 

Now Jeremy, he’s a different story. He’s a little whippersnapper, always skittering around and causing trouble! He’s given me more than one cold/flu since I bought him from the menacing Korean man who walks around at night by my apartment, and he’s never even apologized for it. Jeremy not only would forget to lock up, but I’m almost counting on him letting in one of his punk friends who come around sometimes. One time I woke up and my good, organic toothpaste was missing after his crew swung by. I worry about him. If a nuke ends us all, he might cut a little too loose.

 

Now for the baby, Linda. The boys are very protective of her, because of her youth and her tendency to be a little aloof. She may not even realize it if our government makes an oversight and allows nuclear armageddon to rain down on society rendering all life obsolete besides select, obscure lifeforms. I’ll leave a note for her!

I’m also going to leave some money for food, even though these little guys can go months without it. Might be nice to order a pizza every once in awhile though, although I’m not sure who delivers during nuclear holocaust. Maybe Domino’s? Yeah, Domino’s. Cockroaches eat anything.

 


 

Written by Connor McCausland

Connor McCausland

Connor writes comedy for himself and others in New York City. He’s trying very hard. His writing has appeared in AboveAverage, Reductress, McSweeneys, and CollegeHumor.

Comments

comments