Ray Carsillo tells you what geeks care about, what comics you should read, what games you should play, and what hot chicks you should Google from every true geek’s haven, their mom’s basement.

We’re not really sure what all the hype is about ChatRoulette.com.  Never before has their been so much ado over something that could already be done over the Internet. Chatting with perverted strangers over the world wide web is as old as AOL chat rooms or Al Gore’s first email transmission. The only difference here is that you can actually see the people who are masturbating. Pardon us, but at this point video chat’s been around long enough that getting excited over such a capability would be like reacting with glee upon realizing that your phone sends text messages. It’s just not that revolutionary.  Being passed over by people who don’t want to talk to you seems curiously like high school and if we wanted to see a guy playing with his balls (not that we want to), then we could probably just grab a playgirl  from the local newsstand or visit guyplayswithhisballs.com.

That being said, there are some enjoyable things about Chat Roulette aside from cute, bored Scandinavian girls wanting to get to know you better.  Most notably, there are the people who use it to create their own genre known as “Chat Piano Improv.”  Don’t know what we mean?  Have a look:

Christians believe that Jesus is coming back and when he does he will resurrect the dead, judge the sinners and bring the Kingdom of God to Earth.  If his recent activity is any indicator of the lord and savior’s potentially earthly behavior, maybe he’ll skip all of that rapture business and just stop at Denny’s for a Grand Slam.

A recent sighting of the “Son of God” in the frying pan of a man cooking bacon in his London flat has us questioning why our heavenly figures are always showing up in the tastiest places. Jesus and the Virgin Mary are constantly slipping themselves onto burnt slices of bread, frying pans, potato chips and pancakes.  Devout followers and the fair-weather faithful alike usually take these incidents as a sign that Jesus is trying to impart some sort of important message about having faith or that his return to the world of the living is imminent. That’s one way to look at it.

There are those of us that know better than to blindly interpret culinary apparitions as repetitive pleas to accept Christ into our hearts before it’s too late. If Jesus wanted to tell us to repent so badly, he could just show up on TV channels other than Fox News on a regular basis or make the subway pamphlet people that much more aggressive. One has to think there’s a more practical explanation for greasy repast renderings of the King of Kings.

Did you ever stop to think that maybe Jesus is just hungry?  Perhaps the food in heaven isn’t what it’s cracked up to be or just plain sucks?  Maybe there is no food in heaven and Jesus has been trying to break through in an attempt to get even the slightest nip of your French toast.  Maybe pigs go to their own pig heaven and everyone on Cloud 9 really misses bacon. What Jesus wouldn’t do for your tasty breakfast links and some flapjacks. Jesus could be showing up on your toast in order to tell you to cherish the food you have, because there’s no pork past St Peter’s gate.

Despite all indications that “heaven” is the place you want to be, there’s a reason Belinda Carlisle sang about it being a place on earth.  For one thing, Earth has bacon, pancakes, potato chips, and omelets.  Just because food can be described as heavenly, doesn’t mean the best foods on earth are available there.

The food in prison isn’t exactly of the gourmet variety.  Gruel, bread and that nail file swallowed in the yard for later use often lines the stomachs of those serving hard time in the joint.  It would make sense that upon release ex-cons would yearn for the hearty appeal a Wendy’s Bacon Double with a loaded baked potato from the 99-cent menu.  Unfortunately for Anna Ayala, post-prison gastronomic gratification ain’t so simple. Wendy’s has banned the felonious mom from its premises and with good reason; Ayala was in the clink for trying to finagle $21 Million from the venerable fast-food chain after claiming she found a finger in her chili. Normally we’d say finding a finger in our chili would be worth at least $21 million, but in this case it was discovered that Ayala put the finger there herself.  Game. Set. Match Wendy’s!

Although Ayala won’t be dining on any of Wendy’s wonderful Garden Sensation Salads anytime soon, there are still any number of chain restaurants she can pull the wool over on.  To help her out on her journey to become a millionaire we’ve come up with a list of scams and the joints to pull them on.  Good luck Anna Ayala.  Let us know how it works out:

1. Long John Silver’s- Spend the next few months depriving yourself of Vitamin C and claim the fish sticks at Long John Silver’s gave you scurvy.

2. Jack In The Box- Kidnap TV’s Jack Wagner and cut off his head.  Go to a Jack in the Box restaurant and place Mr. Wagner’s head on top of your Chicken Teriyaki Bowl. Pretend to recoil in horror and exclaim that you didn’t expect the “Jack In The Box” name to manifest itself so literally.  Ask for your money back.

3. McDonald’s- The old coffee lap spill works every time at this establishment.  Should’ve been your first target.  3rd degree burns over your genitalia are a small price to pay for a large monetary reward.

4. Hooters- Order a burger and replace the meat patty with a silicon breast implant.  Claim one of the waitresses lost her boob on your burger. How traumatic!

5. Taco Bell- Eat three beef soft tacos.  Claim Taco Bell gave you chronic diarrhea.  It’s not stretching the truth that much.

6. T.G.I.Friday’s- Go to Friday’s on a Tuesday.  Skip work the next two days as if it were a weekend.  Claim that going to Friday’s on a Tuesday confused you as to what day it was.  Sue Friday’s for the two days of pay you missed.

7. KFC- Saw the leg off a local vagabond. Order a bucket of legs from KFC.  Return angrily brandishing the limb.  Threaten to beat the manager over the head with it if the corporation doesn’t settle.

8. Any other Fast Food location- Spend the rest of your life eating at fast food restaurants.  Either something will inevitably happen or you can just sue them for making you fat.

In 1982, the foundations of the film industry were lightly-shaken and certainly not stirred by the neon sci-fi video game fantasy world embodied in the film Tron. Now, twenty-eight years later, the sequel that quite literally nobody save for ultra superdorks was waiting for is poised for a big-screen explosion of mediocrity.  The good news is, not only are a few of the original stars returning (BRUCE BOXLEITNER!!!), but when they redo the latest trailer they can boast that it features “Academy Award-winner Jeff Bridges.” Saddest though is no Caddyshack hottie Cindy Morgan, she  discusses her reaction to being left out here.

In any case, dorks, prepare to have your balls blown off by the latest peek at Tron: Legacy. Hey, at least they threw in a few cute chicks.

This weekend the stars will be out in full force as Hollywood celebrates the biggest night in the American film industry.  Some of the most famous directors, producers, actors and actresses in the business will cross their fingers in the hopes that when that envelope is peeled open Sunday night they can call themselves Oscar winners.  We could use this opportunity to help you figure out the picks in your office pool , but in all honesty, what’s the point?  We were never going to see any of that money.  We haven’t seen all of the movies anyway.

While making “Best Picture” predictions is a time honored tradition for the media and those who enjoy engaging in more socially acceptable forms of gambling; another industry uses Oscar-nominated films as a sort of creative ammunition.  Yes, the adult film industry has transformed award-winners like Forrest Gump and Million Dollar Baby into flesh-pressing masterpieces such as Forrest Hump and Million-Dollar Booty.  So while ’tis the season to give it up for astounding performances, it’s also time to birth new titles under which equally astounding sexual feats will be performed.

Luckily this year, they’ve expanded the usually generous field of five films vying for that bald statuette to ten flicks.  That means there are eight movies that have no chance going up against Avatar and The Hurt Locker.  On the bright side, at least someone will make a porno version of their film.

So without further ado…our recommendations on how the adult industry should porno-ize some of 2010 greatest picture nominees.

1. Vagitar- A sexually uptight female scientist studying the new planet of “Pan-whore-a” in search of a rare element known as “spermtanium” has a sexual awakening when she enters the world of native la’bia tribe.

2. The Hot Locker- In the midst of war, an army officer is charged with diffusing bombs.  Sex bombs.

3. District 69- In a world where sex has become outlawed with the exception of an alien colony on earth, a government official comes out in support of the aliens. Unfortunately, his exposure to the highly sexual goings on in District 69 lead him to becoming one of them.

4. A Seriously Well-Endowed Man- This adaptation of the Coen Brothers A Serious Man features a guy who has got it going on down there. You can imagine where it goes from there.

5. Getting It Up In The Air- A well-traveled businessman is unable to have sex unless he’s on an airplane.  However, after one too many romps in the sky with fellow passengers and stewardesses, he realizes there’s more to life than being a member of the mile-high club.

6. A Sexual Education- We haven’t seen An Education but its imdb page describes the film as, “a coming-of-age story about a teenage girl in 1960s suburban London, and how her life changes with the arrival of a playboy nearly twice her age.” We’re not really surely we have to change this description except to replace “1960’s suburban London” with “California’s San Fernando Valley.”  Then at the and we’d just make sure to include the fact that she totally has sex with the playboy nearly twice her age…a lot.

7. In Glory Hole Bastards- A team of sexually deviant ladies strike out in search of Europe’s elusive and well-hidden glory holes during World War II.

8. The Back Side- In this porn adaptation of The Blind Side a woman brings in a poor teenager who has never even had his own bed and lets him use hers, ultimately showing her how to protect and penetrate “The Back Side.

Letting it air out a bit.

Have you kissed your english teacher today? No? Good, because that would be totally inappropriate and probably open somebody up to some law suits. But, if you’re in college and not afraid of engaging in that kind of student-teacher relationship to ensure a passing grade, then go ahead, plant a wet one on the cunning linguist in your academic life.  It is after all, National grammar Day!

All across the land teachers, writers and people like you and me are practicing the elements of style just as E.B. White and that Strunk guy (Gary?) intended.

Once a year the elderly folk and even the youth participate in a handful of traditions associated with National Grammar Day.  Here are just a few that you should know, just in case you need a smart answer if someone working for the local news affiliate should ask what this holiday means to you:

1. Copy Editors Day Off- Newspapers, publishing houses magazines, websites and pamphleteers give they’re Copy Editors day off, ironically throwing caution into the wind for one day.  After all, shouldn’t writers be able to figure out when to use an ellipsis?

2. National Grammar Bee- Not quite as prestigious as the National Spelling Bee, the nation’s most brilliant-yet-outcast 7th graders gather in E.B. White’s hometown of Mount Vernon, New York and participate in this event not televised by ESPN as though it were a sport.  The children are read sentences, forced to memorize them and then must tell judges what punctuation (if any) is required, along with what letters must be capitalized.  Its a wonder this has yet to turn into a national phenomenon.

3. Abbreviation Ban- Twitter and Cell Phone companies band together to bar abbreviations from their text messaging services for 24 hours.  Users are not allowed to substitute the number 4 for the word “for,” the number “2″ in place of two or too or to, and instead of typing “LOL,” they must call back their friend and laugh in an audible fashion before they hang up.

4. The Grammar Day Parade- In towns all over the nation, people dress up as their favorite grammar rule, punctuation mark, writer, english teacher, or figure in grammatical history. You’ve never seen so many Strunk impersonators in your life. Most people choose writers that are famous for being drunks as it gives them a perfectly good excuse to show up soused to the festivities.  It’s like a mini-St. Patrick’s day. Let’s just say there are lots of Bukowski impersonators running around trying to get some from the Louisa May Alcott’s of the world.

5. Jay Leno’s headlines segment- Jay Leno does a “headlines” segment where he points out errors in newspapers. Really, it’s just like any other day for Jay.

So go out there, cross your t’s and dot your lowercase j’s and don’t forget to have a exclamatory blast on this National Grammar Day.  But before you do that, spot the grammar mistakes in this post.

Welcome to the National Lampoon Interview, today I’m talking to actor Christopher McDonald, his new movie ‘Splinterheads’ is on DVD now. Thanks for talking to National Lampoon today

Christopher McDonald: Well thanks; it’s nice to be here.

NL: The new movie, ‘Splinterheads’; Tell us a little bit how you got involved with this small, quirky, hilarious film.

CM: I read the script and I thought, terrific, what we need is a great lead actor, so they sent me some links to this great guy, Thomas Middleditch, and this guy was perfect, very funny, very fresh, very new…you haven’t seen this kind of acing before.  So Lea Thompson came on board, Frankie Faison, and the new big discovery was Rachael Taylor, and what a worldly beauty she is. She played a tough little cache chasing carnival girl, and that’s where the name ‘Splinterheads ‘ comes from, the Splinterheads are the carnies who separate you from your money, doing the outside things, ‘Throw the ring on the bottle!’ they are the ones who yell out  ‘Hey! Duck The Punk!’  played by Dean Winters, they raz you.

NL: Your character, Sgt Bruce Mancuso. It’s like a classic, Christopher McDonald character, you play this kind of a nut, odd, not villainous, you don’t know what happened to make him so irate, he’s got issues and definitely abuses his power as the law. It’s like they wrote the part for you, is that what happened?

Sgt. Bruce Mancuso has a lot of awards in his tiny office.

CM: In a lot of ways, they tailored it for me in rewrite. Once I showed interest. The thing that is so terrific with this part is, this character, this guy, he’s gonna pull the kid ( Justin Frost, played by Middleditch) over for anything, broken taillight, whatever, and you realize it’s because there are some issues there with how his relationship ended with the kids Mother (Lea Thompson). And he doesn’t know why it ended, but he thinks it has something to do with her son Justin (Middleditch) So Mancuso’s, he’s a not a bad guy, but he takes care of the town with white gloves, he knows everything that happens in his town, so when he doesn’t know the reason why she dumped him, it makes him a crazy man.

NL: It’s funny, in this town in the film, you are the only police officer in the entire place, and it’s you and the dispatcher on the radio who is always talking to you.

CM: Exactly, I went around with a really great Sgt in this tiny tiny town, I asked for a ride-a-long and the Sgt asked if I was a sissy Hollywood type, so he was like that, but a great guy, we became drinking buddies. These guys are great, they are really highly paid and they have literally nothing to do, there is no crime in the area.

Rachael Taylor is hot. Shes in the movie too, so you should see the movie.

NL: You are in so many films and TV shows, you play this you character, I’m not saying you are really like this character, but you play it, maybe since you were in “Grease 2″ they are wound up characters, and they also have things they always do, for example, they chew gum quickly.

CM: Yeah they are wound up; I think out of the hundreds of characters I’ve played I’ve chewed gum maybe 5 times, but yes. They are highly wound up guys. And you see this guy in real life all the time; you see them in lines and in airports.

NL: I like these characters. Some of them have mustaches; some of them do not have mustaches. I think the mustache adds to the comic villain type of character.

CM: Yeah, George Clooney has been copying me now. He’s got to be doing his comedies with the mustaches.

NL: You just wrapped up a few episodes on Stargate: Universe on SYFY.

CM: I was really impressed with the production quality on that, it was a really good show, great effects.

NL: Are you going to forever have a seat of the table at those Sci-Fi conventions? People who are super nerds are going to come and dress as you and know your lines on those episodes?

CM: I’ve been asked, I think one day I’ll go. Only the real nerds would know me. I was hoping that would happen more on a movie I did called Super Hero Movie, I play a crazy scientist and a larger than life villain.

HOURGLASS!

NL: You played a guy named Hourglass.

CM: HOURGLASS! Yes, but that movie didn’t perform as well as we wanted. You never know.

NL: I have one Christopher McDonald character that represents you to me, from a movie you did that formed my brain when I was younger. I was hoping you could match the characters name to the movie. The guys name was Frank Kelbo.

CM: WOW.

NL: Do you know the movie?

CM: Ahh, hmm…Frank Kelbo was a cop, wait no, he was the mechanic! In a Carl Reiner movie I did called ‘Fatal Instinct’!

NL: YES!

CM: That was a lot of fun that was my first taste into spoof-dom.

NL: It was great to talk to you today,

CM: My pleasure, it was a lot of fun.

NL: The film is ‘Splinterheads’ it’s on DVD now, one of the funniest films I’ve seen this year. Thanks for being here, Christopher McDonald.

CM: Thanks.

-fin-

You can listen to the extended audio of this interview here. Enjoy!

Let’s see what’s in the news today, Lampoon readers…Have you seen this? Have you heard about this? Jay Leno returned to late night last night, but his chin came back the night before.

So, Did anyone see the Tonight Show With Jay Leno last night? Rumor has it they’re re-airing the show tonight under the name “The Totally Annoying Jamie Foxx Variety Hour.“

In all seriousness folks, Jay Leno got a huge welcome back from his late night audience last night…and an even bigger welcome back from Jamie Foxx’s ego.

Leno’s first segment he went around knocking on people’s doors saying that he was looking for a desk. Actually, he was looking for viewers who don’t hate him.

Kevin Eubanks returned last night true to form. His fake laughter was more on cue than his band.

Kevin will be leaving the show soon, though. Presumably it’s to pursue his acting career.

Gold Medalist Lindsey Vonn stopped by the Tonight Show couch last night. Unfortunately, she finished out of medal contention in One Hour Forced Laughter dash. Kevin Eubanks got gold.  Jamie Foxx got silver. And the entire studio audience tied for bronze.

You know, they’re saying “The Tonight Show” writers room has been affectionately re-dubbed “The Bathroom,” because the show’s scribes are constantly putting crap on paper.

Word has it Conan O’Brien spent last night entertaining in his den, special guests included his wife, his children, and a musical performance from the Max Weinberg 7.

Conan may have been home doing nothing, but there was a large outpouring on Twitter on his behalf. Those people may not have been watching Leno, but they were watching precious moments of their life dwindle away by wasting it on Twitter.

Lost in the shuffle of Leno’s return is George Lopez’s late night show. Unconfirmed sources are telling us it was on again.  Unfortunately, no witnesses have verified this information.

Jay’s got a great show for you tonight.  He’ll be welcoming Sarah Palin. The two should find a lot in common since both pander to the lowest common denominator.

Thanks, you’ve been great. We’ll be back right after this commercial break.