A little over a week ago, in the midst of a brief twitter exchange with @LaurenGberg, I became enamored of the idiotic notion that I could tweet about sweatpants to the point where I might become influential about sweatpants on Klout. After a short string of sweatpants-centric tweets, I did not become influential on said topic, but I did get a free pair of sweatpants from Russell Athletic out of it! Twitter victory! But that wasn’t the end of the love affair between sweatpants and I. I decided that Sweatpants needed their own tribute video and I intended to create one. The following is that creation. Below it you can read the string of tweets that helped inspire it.

via twobluecrabs.com

When the Republican presidential primary began, many pundits assumed that it was a foregone conclusion that Mitt Romney would end up the nominee.  This was mostly based on the former Massachusetts governor’s central appeal to voters: No matter where you stand on a particular issue, at some point Mitt Romney has agreed with you.  And will probably do so again in the future.

Romney’s front runner status was also based on the notion that his chief rivals such as Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry had a distinct disadvantage in that voters would eventually realize they were Michele Bachmann and Rick Perry.  But even though it would appear that his campaign could not be stopped, Romney was about to learn one of the most important lessons of American history:

No matter what logic dictates, Newt Gingrich will not go away.

Up until recently, it appeared that the main issue driving Newt Gingrich’s presidential campaign was foreclosing George Bailey’s Building and Loan.  However, the past few weeks have made it clear that Newt is looking to cast himself in the minds of voters with great leaders from the past.  For example, Gingrich repeatedly refers to himself as a “Reagan Conservative.”  To illustrate this, Newt has emphasized his beliefs in small government, big business, and his willingness to star in a movie about putting a chimpanzee to bed.

Michael Bay has called it “everything my career has been leading up to.”

But Ronald Reagan isn’t the only world leader that Newt is attempting to emulate.  Indeed, every time his campaign has hit a roadblock Gingrich has redefined himself to remind voters of history’s most memorable luminaries.  And after coming up short in the Florida primary, Newt’s next rebranding is an audacious one:

When it comes to his married life, Newt Gingrich wants to be known as a “Henry VIII Moralist.”

By now, it is well known that Gingrich cheated on and later divorced his first wife Jackie while she was undergoing treatments for uterine cancer.  Newt will tell you today that this was an example of living by King Henry’s credo: when life gives you lemons, bang a younger woman.  And in doing so, Gingrich also supported business innovation by becoming the first person to use Hallmark’s newly created line of “Hope your illness leaves you as quickly as I’m going to” get well cards.

Gingrich supporters are quick to point out that by combining two sentiments into one card, this demonstrates his ability to streamline wasteful spending.  Which explains Newt’s testimony during his divorce hearing that “my penis was guided by Reaganomics.”

Pat Robertson immediately proclaimed it “the most moral thing I have ever heard in my life.”

Now when an episode like this becomes public, one would assume that the lesson learned would be–at minimum–”if you’re going to cheat on your wife, at least make sure she doesn’t have a crippling disease.”  But demonstrating concern for the humanity of one’s partner flies in the face of everything a great leader like Henry VIII taught Gingrich.  Indeed, thanks to recent revelations from Newt’s second wife Marianne, we have learned that in the midst of yet another affair, he moved to divorce her shortly after she was diagnosed with Multiple Sclerosis.  So in reality, the lesson is:

If you’re going to expect Newt to be loyal, you’d better be the Highlander.

Another maxim of Henry VIII Moralism is “If your actions run counter to the morals religion teaches, change your religion.”  Newt demonstrated this shortly after confessing to Marianne about his affair with now-current wife Calista.  Instead of seeking Marianne’s forgiveness, he asked her for an open marriage and tried to persuade her by arguing that Calista had already approved it.  Thus invoking the little known codicil to the Seventh Commandment: “Thou shalt not commit adultery.  Unless first thou obtain permission from the adulteress to continue having sex with thy wife.  In which case, schtup away.”  (Book of Asterisks 9:23)

Many voters have looked at Gingrich’s treatment of his first two wives as unspeakably cruel and unfeeling.  Again, though, Newt is quick to remind his supporters of another maxim of Henry VIII Moralism: “If her neck is still attached, she got off easy.”  By those terms, Newt was able to label himself “a champion of feminism.” (It should be noted that this is also the caption of Newt’s favorite “Love is…” cartoon.)

As for his current wife, Calista Gingrich has expressed full confidence in Newt’s fidelity to her.  In fact, she has issued many statements to this effect direct from the germ free hyperbaric chamber where she spends 23 hours of every day.  While listening to a 24-7 loop of “Stand By Your Man.”

Up until now, Jackie and Marianne are the only two of Gingrich’s ex-wives that the public knows about.  Which means Newt still has a ways to go in order to truly live his life by the example of Henry VIII.  However, it is instructive to remember that we are still early in the campaign and Mitt Romney’s Super PAC possesses what Fox Business Channel’s Neil Cavuto has described as a “shit ton” of money.  So there is still time for the media to track down and verify these unconfirmed leads about “secret” ex-wives:

Elektra Gingrich. When Newt led the federal government shutdown of 1995, he mistakenly believed that this also meant that the rule of law had been suspended for the duration.  The next day, a Smithsonian security guard found him passed out in the cockpit of The Spirit of St. Louis next to a mound of cocaine, a minister, and a woman who identified herself as a “Federal Emergency Concubine.”  When asked what he was doing there, a groggy Gingrich responded: “…Carrying out the will of the people.”  Twenty eight days later, Elektra asked Gingrich to buy her some maxi pads at Rite Aid and, when he didn’t understand the request, explained the details of a woman’s anatomy to him.  Thinking that she was possessed by demons, the next day Newt declared the shutdown over and moved back in with his wife.

Arabella Gingrich married Newt in 2004 during her record setting quest to sleep with every living Time Magazine Man of the Year.  The couple lasted for five months until an anxious Newt proposed an open marriage with Dr. Henry Kissinger.  During the divorce proceedings, Arabella told the Washington Post that she was looking for a “less kinky and more emotionally fulfilling relationship.”  She immediately began dating The American Soldier.

Nancy Pelosi Gingrich. 2006.  Duration of marriage: 13 seconds.

Over the past year, Newt has repeatedly reinvented himself as a philosophical descendant of history’s most powerful rulers.  But even with his concentrated effort to prove he is a leader in the same vein as Reagan and King Henry, Gingrich’s momentum appears to be stalling out.  With Romney’s decisive victory in Florida, Newt’s staffers are starting to worry about what another loss could mean for his next attempt to redefine himself.  At this point they are all in agreement on one thing: you do not want to see Newt’s imitation of Catherine the Great.

This is an original song I wrote/recorded for the Howard Stern show. Unsurprisingly, it’s about Robin Quivers’ boobs.

Article source: http://asongaday.libsyn.com/robin-show-your-boobs