We thought a helpful guide might be something Mr. Strauss-Kahn could use in the future.

The following is a collection of things overheard in movie theaters across the nation, as people filed out following screenings of George Lucas’s epic re-release of the Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace in 3D. We scanned the multiplex’s nationwide, recorded to chatter and present it for you here. It took thousands of man hours and tens of dollars.

“I’ve sucked hard things in front of my face before, but I’ve never seen anything suck that hard in my face!”

“Did you know Natalie Portman studied the Japanese art of kabuki as research for the role of Queen Amidala? Don’t quote me on that. I think I heard that somewhere.”

“I kept waiting for George Lucas to jump out of the screen and give me my money back.”

“I don’t get why Samuel Jackson didn’t curse this entire movie. The dialogue could’ve really used it.”

“Next year I hear Lucas is releasing American Graffiti in 3D to commemorate its 40th anniversary.”

“Now that I saw it close up, there was something inherently wrong about the Liam Neeson having a relationship with that little boy.”

“A crappy movie in 3D is still  a crappy movie.”

“When they said ‘Star Wars I’ I thought they meant the first one that came out. You know, the first of the good ones.”

“There were effects in that movie? The only effect the movie had on me was the sound made me deaf.”

“That Jake Lloyd has probably been in a million movies since. Oh, he hasn’t? Did he at least get to keep his outfit from the movie?”

“True story: they found the guy who played Darth Maul at an Oakland Raiders game– and he was already wearing that.”

The adult industry has a habit of churning out porn parodies of the biggest Hollywood hits and some of the more notable favorites of yesteryear. While this year’s Oscar crop offers a healthy mix of the artsy and commercial, they’re all ripe for a XXX-rated transformation. True, the days of masterful titular puns like Pulp Friction and Foreskin Gump have long since been replaced by the likes of “This Ain’t Schindler’s List” and “Not Winter’s Bone: A XXX Parody,”but that doesn’t mean we can’t give it our all to turn a perverse phrase with the names of a few new cinema classics. Rather than wait for porn production companies to snap into action so soon after their very own Oscar season of sorts, we thought we’d give their writers a rest by pitching our very own erotic adaptations of 2011′s best movies and 2012′s best picture nominees.

War Whores (War Horse)

A young man falls in love with the prostitute he loses his virginity to at an English brothel. His heart is broken when she, along with the other best and brightest prostitutes from the other allied nations, is called upon to form an elite group of “war whores.” The war whores mission is twofold, keep the soldiers on the front lines happy and infiltrate enemy lines to use their weapons of mass seduction to bring about a cease fire.

The Descended Testicle (The Descendants)

A lonely man lacking in sexual confidence due to the fact that one of his testicles failed to descend, awakes one day to find himself with two hanging low. His confidence renewed, he goes on a spree of sexual conquests the likes of which has never been seen. Also, his wife died in a waterskiing accident in the opening scene, but she was cheating on him anyway.

Fraternizing with the Help  (The Help)

A trio of rich white southern families in 1950′s with an all-black house staff– who previously frowned on “fraternizing with the help”– learn to treat their servants as sexual equals in this tale of interracial lust and understanding.

Hungo (Hugo)

A young orphan comes of age in Paris in the 1930′s, curious about the invention of a sex robot named Hungo by his late inventor father. He plunges headfirst into a world of automation and sexual positions and is inspired to perfect this wondrous sex machine.

Moneyballs (Moneyball)

After her rumored fling with New England Patriots Tight End Rob Gronkowski leads the Patriots to an appearance in Super Bowl XLVI, Adult Film star Bibi Jones sets her sights on improving the fortunes of baseball’s hard luck Oakland A’s franchise. She vows to sleep with the entire team and lead them to the World Series.

The Skinemax-ist (The Artist)

A veteran of late night Skinemax adult films gets caught between two worlds after he falls in love with a veteran actress of XXX films that feature full penetration– instead of just people riding other people’s stomachs. Will he cross over into her world or will he be relegated to a career of late night softcore action? Can their love survive?

Extremely Hard and Incredibly Long (Extremely Loud and Incredibly Close)

After she loses her husband in 9/11, a woman reminisces about the various kinky sexual exploits that kept their relationship so fresh. Meanwhile, she searches for a lover, comparable in length and stamina, who holds the key that opens the door to a new world of unexplored carnal territory.

Seed of Life (Tree of Life)

Following the life span of several sperm from conception to death, this multi-faceted nearly three-and-a-half hour porn epic cuts in and out of various sexual acts by various performers of all legal ages with little to no dialogue. It’s an ambitious slice of erotic life that has something for fans of every porn genre.

Midnight in Paris (Midnight in Paris)

The long-awaited sequel to “One Night In Paris,” A down on her luck and out of the spotlight Paris Hilton tries to reignite her celebrity by filming another sex tape. Who will the be the next lucky guy to the night vision treatment? You’ll just have to buy the DVD to find out.

So why is this all relevant? See the below:

“Fantastic Movie!!! – Garrett Hargrove, National Lampoon”

Bigger than the name of the director on the cover.

Bigger than any of the stars.

Bigger than the Zombie logo at the bottom.

Almost as big as the bloody machete.

It’s a testimonial from me. A film I had nothing to do with has decided that my recommendation was worthy of the cover. I’ve tried to keep it all in perspective. Tried to not let it over inflate my ego. But I could come to no other conclusion other than:

I AM THE AUTHORITY

Humans Versus Zombies is a fun film. It is a real movie as you can see here on Amazon and not just some photoshop I made: Amazon Link. Its got fun zombie action. Its got nudity. Its got that cute, curly haired girl from the last season of “Friday Night Lights”. It doesn’t take itself too seriously. What more could one ask for from a zombie film? But that’s not always enough. In this world where HD cameras are cheaper than your average Kardashian, there are lots of zombie movies that CLAIM to be worth your time. The posters may look flashy. Advertisers will try their darndest to lure you in and convince you to try their zombie movie over HvZ. Brian T. Jaynes was at a loss for how to stand out amongst the slew of other Zombie films when all he has is a split second to catch your eye when you see it on the shelves.

Then, sometimes fate smiles upon you. Humans Versus Zombies happened to be showing at the Houston based Splatterfest. Right after my film, Cherry Bomb. Following my film, I stuck around to see HvZ. I enjoyed it. After the screening, I met up with Brian, the director. People were approaching him telling him how much they enjoyed the movie. “Pfft. Your opinion matters not, for you are but a common man.”

I then approached him and told him about my appreciation for the film. His eyes lit up. “But… you’re… YOU! You’re not like these other people. You write for the Lampoon. Your opinion means something.”

I bowed my head. “I know.”

“Would you be willing to spread these words of praise onto the interconnected series of computers known as the internet so others might hear of your authoritative praise?” Jaynes pleaded.

I agreed.

I posted a review on imdb for the film. We parted ways. Then it came time for Jaynes to distribute his film. And he came to me once more. “The distribution company has asked for permission from the great National Lampoon wordsmith to use his quote as an endorsement of the film.” Jaynes came humbly bearing gifts with his request.

I granted it.

And now, when Humans Versus Zombies enters stores in May, shoppers will see it. And know it is worthy of their money. And not because of advertisers or flashy marketing or even the nudity.

But because the Authority has assured them of its quality.

None shall question this approval. Critics opinions are airtight and not subject for contention. Critics are infallible. Should you disagree with the verdict or opinion of The Authority, realize it is purely because you cannot possibly analyze and comprehend on the same levels as The Authority.

I asked star Frederic Doss (of GI Joe: Rise of Cobra and Transformers) how it felt to have the Authority recommend his film. He was elated:

“National Lampoon said “Humans Vs. Zombies” is FANTASTIC?!?! You hear that Michael Bay? Fantastic! Now who has Uwe Boll’s phone number? I’m about to be huge!”

“As an actor you have to trust your director. I told Brian I trusted his vision, but it wasn’t until National Lampoon validated it that I really believed it.” said Chip Joslin, who played Brad in the film.

Star Jesse Ferraro said: “To have national lampoons give a shout out in any way, shape, or form to HVZ…well who cares what happens from here on out.”

Madison Burge said “No, I will NOT give you Adrianne Palicki’s number! I am blocking this facebook account!”

Seeing the difference this has made to Jaynes (HvZ is set, even in pre-sale, to become the highest grossing film ever starring Madison Burge and Chip Joslin), I decided to use my divine ability to bless or condemn products on a larger scale. Since reviewing Michael Biehn‘s The Victim, Biehn’s production company has signed a three picture deal with Aspect Films. Its been on an every once in a while basis up until this point, but now… The Authority is going to accept films, DVDs or beef based products for a regular review column on this site, the authority on comedy, National Lampoon.

So, feel free to contact me through here for films or products to review. The Authority will always strive to create the best Gene Shalit-esque quotes for your film or food product poster. And when people doubt the quality of your product, you can point to The Authority’s review and cut the legs from under your detractors.

And in NO WAY should this be construed as simply an act to attain free stuff.

Nic Cage seems pretty insistent that he’s NOT a ghost in his interview with Matt Zaller. Suspicious much? Interviews with Nic Cage and Idris Elba from Ghost Rider: Spirit of Vengeance.

via KGW PORTLAND, Ore. — At least nine police cars responded Tuesday to reports of a woman bound in duct tape and naked in a man’s car, but the incident turned out to be a Valentine’s role-play.

Shortly after noon, police converged on the New Seasons Market on North Interstate Avenue after receiving a report of a vehicle seen leaving the parking lot with a naked female tied up in the back with duct tape over her mouth.

According to police, a witness told officers that the driver of the car was a white male in his 20s, with a goatee and sunglasses and that the female “seemed hazy.” The witness told police that the male stated they “were just having some fun.”

The witness provided the license plate and police tracked the vehicle to a home in the 4300 block of Northeast 11th Avenue. Just before 1 p.m., the car was spotted by an officer returning to the home. An officer saw a bound and naked woman in the back of the car, and approached the driver.

Nikolas Alexander Harbar, 31, told police that he and his girlfriend, 26-year-old Stephanie Morgan Pelzner, were doing some Valentine’s Day role playing.

“He said ‘yeah, that’s my girlfriend we’re role playing for Valentine’s Day,” said Sgt. Pete Simpsons, “and she was in the back naked tied up. And she confirmed it was all part of a role play.”

Both Harbar and Pelzner were arrested for disorderly conduct in the second degree and booked into the Multnomah County Jail.

The couple declined an interview request later Tuesday evening.

Several neighbors told KGW that the escapade would certainly raise alarms if seen by passersby, and that the couple should have been more discreet.

Rick Santorum has a problem.  And, in what is a terrible situation for a politician, the more popular he gets, the worse it becomes.  Santorum’s recent primary victories have generated a buzz around his campaign.  And this buzz has prompted more and more people to search for “Rick Santorum” on Google.  Which has then led to every one of these voters realizing:

If Rick Santorum had chosen to go by “Dick,” it would still be the least vulgar part of his name.

(Note to my Grandma: DO NOT Google “Santorum.”  Seriously.  Just read the rest of this and assume it’s funny and/or continue praying for me.)

As the Google results show, if Santorum wants to win the Republican nomination, he has the unique challenge of needing to overcome his own moniker.  Now, some would argue that our current president was able to do just that and win an election despite being named Barack Hussein Obama.  In comparison, though, it’s a mere trifle.  After all, despite the problems that come with sharing a name with the former dictator of Iraq, at least no one ever tried to describe Saddam Hussein as “frothy.”

Santorum’s problem goes back to an infamous 2003 interview with the Associated Press in which he asserted:

“In every society, the definition of marriage has not ever to my knowledge included homosexuality.  That’s not to pick on homosexuality.  It’s not, you know, man on child, man on dog, or whatever the case may be.”

From that moment on, Rick Santorum would be forever known for equating homosexuality with “man on dog.”  Which means that whenever Santorum hears the recording of dogs barking “Jingle Bells,” he thinks of it as George Michael’s contribution to “Do They Know It’s Christmas.”

These remarks so offended sex advice columnist Dan Savage that he issued his readers a challenge to redefine “Santorum” in the most repulsive way possible and set up a website to honor the winning entry.  Soon after, that site became the top result for any Google search of Santorum’s name.  Which goes to illustrate one of the oldest lessons in politics: never piss off a man who makes a living answering questions about orifices.

(Incidentally, alert readers will recognize this was also the original moral of The Lorax.)

The new meaning of the ex-Senator’s last name has made it incredibly difficult for his campaign to come up with a slogan they can print on a poster.  For example, their attempt to take advantage of a popular GOP talking point…

Santorum: Drill, baby, drill!

…was right out.

Their next effort to appeal to values voters…

One Man.  One Woman.  United With Santorum.

…only made matters worse.

The Santorum campaign has struggled for years to deal with this issue.  But upon closer examination of Santorum’s words and actions since he became a major player in the GOP race, it’s clear they’ve hit on what they feel is an effective strategy.  Indeed, every speech Rick Santorum has given in the past month appears to be done with a higher goal in mind: to prove that his own words are more offensive than his name could ever be.

For example, last week at a town hall meeting in Texas, Santorum was able to capitalize on President Obama’s recent birth control controversy with the Catholic church:

“When you marginalize faith in America, when you remove the pillar of God-given rights, then what’s left is the French Revolution.”

Here, Santorum shows what he learned from the Bush Administration’s lead up to the Iraq War: if you need to create a distraction, remind Texans how much they hate the French.  And as a bonus, Santorum is clearly taking the birth control argument to its a logical conclusion.  After all, any English major worth his salt can recite this famous passage from A Tale of Two Cities…

Charles Darnay: This one says “Ribbed for Her Pleasure.”

Madame Defarge: This is much more fun than confession!

Charles Darnay: Let’s cut off the king’s head!

Madame Defarge: Oui oui!

With the concerns about his filthy name replaced by those of a Reign of Terror sponsored by Today Sponge, Santorum continued his rant…

“What’s left is a government that will tell you who you are, what you’ll do, and when you’ll do it.  What’s left in France became the guillotine.”

What’s left is abundantly clear: Rick Santorum has the most bizarre definition of “contraceptive” ever.  (Although to be fair, it is 100 percent effective.)

The media took the bait.  That evening, Fox News, CNN, and MSNBC each devoted five solid hours to exploring the logical question: “Does the pill lead to public beheadings?”  And even though they all focused squarely on Santorum, not a single person mentioned “lube byproduct” all night.

Clearly, the “distract with batshit” plan was working.  Which is the only reasonable explanation why the very next day Santorum said this about women in the military:

“I do have concerns about women in front line combat.  I think that could be a very compromising situation, where people naturally may do things that may not be in the interest of the mission because of other types of emotions that are involved.”

Again, Fox News played along beautifully with Sean Hannity informing his viewers that “it’s well known among military circles that Seal Team Six’s mission to storm Osama Bin Laden’s compound was almost compromised by a sobbing female cadet crying ‘What about my muffins?!’”  Later on, Megyn Kelly broke the story that CIA director Leon Panetta had told the White House Press Corps, “I just thank God that Bin Laden wasn’t holding a kitten.”

That day, a campaign miracle took place: for the first time ever, Google reported that users were searching for “Santorum” and actually clicking the “News” button.

But even though this new direction has been effective, it can occasionally backfire.   Indeed, Santorum has proven so good at bringing the crazy that sometimes the crazy goes to his head.  Case in point: a recent interview with CNN’s Piers Morgan regarding Santorum’s pro life views:

“I think the right approach is to accept this horribly created–in the case of rape–but nevertheless a gift in a very broken way…”

In a continually evolving world, there are very few constants in politics.  But there is one rule of campaigning that has remained the same for generations:

When discussing a touchy subject such as rape, try not to describe it using the same terms you use to return merchandise to Crate & Barrel.

But perhaps this was just a gaffe made in the heat of the moment.  No one in their right mind would really mean to use the word “rape” in the same sentence as the word “gift,” right?

“…the gift of human life, and accept what God has given to you.”

Well.

Hey, did you know that Abraham Lincoln was able to win two elections without a single woman voting for him?  Mr. Lincoln, Rick Santorum accepts your challenge!

Still, against all odds and/or reason, Santorum’s strategy appears to be paying off.  The more psychotic his words get, the more popular he seems to be.  Every speech seems to be a challenge to the American public: “If you’re still willing to vote for me after saying that shit, you really don’t care what my name means, do you?”  Indeed, because Santorum’s lunacy sells so well with them, a large segment of the Republican base is vocally standing behind the man with the obscene sobriquet.  Which can only mean one thing…

Mitt Romney has already filed papers to change his name to “Blumpkinluvr.”

click to see full size.

via facebook.com

You know that’s never got a good reception in our experience…

via failblog.org

Inspired by a Twitter exchange between @SarahThyre and @GerryDuggan. In honor of Valentine’s Day, I humbly present “POO SHY”.

Article source: http://asongaday.libsyn.com/-stop-playin-poo-shy

And I’ve Always Wanted One! It Must Be A Sign!

via FAILBLOG.org

This Valentine’s Day couples the world over will demonstrate their love for one another with gifts of lavish jewelry of the Kay and Jared varieties, romantic dinners, and bountiful bouquets of sweet-smelling flowers. Meanwhile, the lonely hearts club known as “single-folk” will spend the day pathetically pleading their lovelorn case to would-be beaus, sitting home alone crying a river of tears that flows with their heads buried beneath couch cushions– or otherwise unconvincingly pretending they could care less about a Hallmark Holiday. While most attached persons have their sweeties to worry about, they shouldn’t forget their friends who will inevitably be there for them once that relationship goes south (and it will go south). So with that in mind, we’ve come up with a list of thoughtful Valentine’s Day gifts for those friends who may not be as lucky in love, but are lucky enough to call you “friend.”

1. Heart-shaped antidepressants

Being single is depressing enough in and of itself, tack on all the attention given this couples-centric holiday and you might have to talk some of your less stable single friends off the ledge; but secretly replace their ovoid-shaped Xanax with these heart-shaped pills and tack on candy heart style messages like “Sum1 Luvs U” and maybe their frowns turn upside down.

2. Masturbation Mix Tape-

Show your single friend you appreciate their predicament by making them a mix chock full of odes about sex with someone they love.

3. Churros-

For those singles into men, there’s nothing more tempting than a delicious tasting foodstuff to remind you what you’re missing.

3. Hot Pocket-

for those of you who love the ladies, there’s nothing more tempting than a delicious tasting foodstuff, whose name sounds like a euphemism for a vagina, to remind you what you’re missing.

5.  DVD’s of Love, Actually, Valentine’s Day, and New Year’s Eve-

A night of watching these overly-sappy ensemble rom-coms would make anyone glad not to have the weight of a relationship on their shoulders.

6. Dunkin’ Donuts Heart Shaped Donut-

Remind your single friends that they’re single because they keep eating stuff like the Dunkin’ Donuts Heart Shaped Donut without even the slightest bit of regret or self-awareness of the wreck their body has become.

7. Apology Notepad-

If being in love means never having to say you’re sorry, not being in love must mean a constant stream of Valentine’s Day apologies. Tell your single friends to get started and better luck next year.

8. A compilation of all your Facebook statuses since you’ve been in a relationship-

Nothing will make your single friend feel better about their unattached state then seeing how pathetic you’ve been since you and your significant other have been together. All of the the pet names attached to the mundane couple things

A magical day for many, Valentine’s Day lets you tell the object of your affection how much you care about them. But sometimes, finding the right words are hard. Greeting cards help us put those feelings onto paper to convey of hopes and love. Sadly not all of these cards are specific enough for some. Many times relationships are more complex, with layers of societal misunderstanding. Here are some very hard to find Valentine’s Day cards. We hope one (or all!) serve you well on this special, special day.

**********

Necrophiliacs

Nothing could be more lovely then a hot toddy and being inside

Your cold dead body.

*************

Siblings in Love

We’ve known each other so long

why not check out my dong?

*************

GOP opponents

We can agree, on this special day

Lets get this black guy to go away.

*************

A Man and his dog

Everytime I scoop up your poop…

I want to eat it

*************

Crazy cat lady

Meow Meow Meow Meow…

Meow Meow Meow hairball.

*************

Hairdresser

Everytime you come to have me cut your locks…

I want to knock you out and put you in a box.