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First-Date Customer Satisfaction Survey

Congratulations! You’ve been selected to participate in a first-date customer satisfaction survey. It’s been 47 minutes since we parted ways. You should probably be home by now—that is unless you took the G train, which I heard is running with delays. Nope? You took an Uber? Great, let’s get started.

    1)  My skin is so smooth and completely devoid of hair. The $2,500 I spent on laser hair removal was totally worth it.

  • Strongly Disagree

  • Somewhat Disagree

  • Neither Agree or Disagree

  • Somewhat Agree

  • Strongly Agree


    2)  About my cat: You mentioned that you were slightly allergic to cats. You would never ever ask me to get rid of him, even though he and I share a pillow.

  • Strongly Disagree

  • Somewhat Disagree

  • Neither Agree or Disagree

  • Somewhat Agree

  • Strongly Agree


    3)  I know we said that neither of us is the type to play games, but when you took 22 minutes to respond to my text yesterday, that was because I waited 19 minutes to respond to yours.

  • Strongly Disagree

  • Somewhat Disagree

  • Neither Agree or Disagree

  • Somewhat Agree

  • Strongly Agree


    4)  Remember when I scooted the barstool on the floor and it made that noise? You knew that wasn’t a fart.

  • Strongly Disagree

  • Somewhat Disagree

  • Neither Agree or Disagree

  • Somewhat Agree

  • Strongly Agree


     5)  I noticed your phone lit up multiple times with calls from an unsaved number. That was Duane Reade calling to say your prescription was ready for pick up, and not someone else from a different dating app.

  • Strongly Disagree

  • Somewhat Disagree

  • Neither Agree or Disagree

  • Somewhat Agree

  • Strongly Agree


     6)  It wasn’t obvious that I Googled you prior to our date.

  • Strongly Disagree

  • Somewhat Disagree

  • Neither Agree or Disagree

  • Somewhat Agree

  • Strongly Agree


     7)  In fact, it wasn’t weird at all when I brought up your title as 2001’s undefeated Debate Champion in the greater Fulton County area.

  • Strongly Disagree

  • Somewhat Disagree

  • Neither Agree or Disagree

  • Somewhat Agree

  • Strongly Agree


     8)  You did not notice that I completely mispronounced Fernet Branca, making it sound particularly French.

  • Strongly Disagree

  • Somewhat Disagree

  • Neither Agree or Disagree

  • Somewhat Agree

  • Strongly Agree


    9)  It’s completely acceptable that I don’t watch Game of Thrones and instead spend my Sundays learning the appraised value of an original Victorian dome-top trunk on the Antiques Roadshow.

  • Strongly Disagree

  • Somewhat Disagree

  • Neither Agree or Disagree

  • Somewhat Agree

  • Strongly Agree


    10)   What’s this? A Facebook friend request! Wait, is that a soul patch atop your chin? How did I miss that? Disregard everything.

  • Strongly Disagree

  • Somewhat Disagree

  • Neither Agree or Disagree

  • Somewhat Agree

  • Strongly Agree

Written by Blair Smith

Blair Smith

Blair Smith is a ghost/freelance/copywriter based in Brooklyn, New York. Her words have appeared on Refinery29, Harper’s Bazaar, and in a multitude of places that she’s not legally allowed to discuss. Get acquainted at @nomdeblair.

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