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Why haven’t you opened your ecard yet??

Darling,
I sent you a Valentine ecard two weeks ago but I checked and saw that you haven’t opened it. I went to great lengths to pick out just the right Tom and Jerry graphics to include, and the most appropriate rap tune, and you haven’t bothered clicking the link.

Just to sweeten the pot: It starts off with a daisy that morphs into a giant hunk of cheese near a mouse house. Then, the cheese explodes and it rains lemon cupcakes. Please check right now because I don’t want you to send me exactly the same ecard for my birthday next month.

Also, the reason I didn’t write to you or call you on Valentine’s Day because I didn’t want to say “Happy Valentine’s Day” if you were going to later open an ecard that said the exact same thing. Please open it already. Could you do it now? Or are you maybe at work with your boss breathing down your neck? He’s far too pushy, in my opinion. Can you take your phone to the bathroom and look at the card from there?

If you wait too long and don’t open it by Friday I will probably have to postpone our anniversary dinner, because it would be weird to celebrate and ignore the elephant (or cat and mouse) in the room. I don’t want to repeat all the same sentiments at dinner that were on the card, especially the “I love you” at the end. At least, not in exactly the same way.
I’ll leave our reservation at Dave and Buster’s for now, but please open this ecard by 1 a.m., as I’ll check once more before heading out of this pub.

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2/24/17 4:15 p.m.

Dear Juniper Blossom,

It looks like you still haven’t opened the ecard. I know that you DID open the Gmail I sent you yesterday about the ecard, because it says it was read for 14 seconds.
How much energy does it take to go back through your old emails and click on a link that says, “D. has sent you an ecard”? Read it the second you get done with this email, please.
I’m including the link at the end.
If I don’t hear back by 9 a.m. tomorrow, I’ll postpone dinner until next week so things aren’t uncomfortable, my Honey Nut Cheerio. But we are getting closer to St. Patrick’s Day and I was hoping to send you another ecard in advance, with a green Leprechaun saying, “Knock knock. Who’s there? Irish. Irish who? Irish you a great St. Paddy’s Day!”
D.

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2/26/17 9:01 a.m.

It’s been said that it’s the thought that counts. However, your lack of acceptance of my ecard, which I pressed 27 or 28 buttons for, shows egregious thoughtlessness. While I miss seeing our kids, I am going to have to remain quartered in this hotel longer and postpone Dave and Buster’s until I know you’ve read it. Please let me know as soon as you read it so I can come home and the sequence of our life can resume in a normal manner.
D.

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2/27/17 9:51 a.m.

Dear Chia Seed,
Our dinner is now rescheduled for Monday, so make sure you read it by then. Thanks, my Boysenberry Pie.

PS OPEN YOUR ECARD

PPS Okay, I might print it out and tuck it into one of those analog paper cards they sell at the supermarket and attach one of the whatchamacallits that you stick on an envelope and drop it in a mailbox (is that how they used to do it in the old days?)

D.

Written by Caren Lissner

Caren Lissner

Caren Lissner’s humorous first novel, Carrie Pilby, was just made into a feature film starring Nathan Lane and Bel Powley, set to hit theaters in March. Her writing has appeared in the New York Times and various other publications. Follow her on Twitter at @carenlissner.

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