Originals
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Hearing To Determine Grizzly Bear’s Eligibility In Schools

SENATOR BERNIE SALAMANDER: (D-VA): The watering hole will come to order. This is the hearing to consider the nomination for a grizzly bear to be allowed nationwide access to schools. We will be extending the “Golden Rule”, a courtesy that was once shown to me which involves urinating directly onto one another in a presidential manner. One note, we have bighorn sheep here today who will mercilessly head butt anyone who attempts to disrupt this hearing.  

 

SENATOR BATTY MURRAY (D-WASH): Are you in fact a Grizzly bear?

 

GRIZZLY: Yes, I am. I’m an American Grizzly bear born in a modest Wyoming den. As a self-admitted subspecies I also identify as a brown bear so I’m comfortable with any of those labels. Just not the inaccurate “Kodiak bear” or the dreaded “apex predator”, that makes me very uncomfortable. The pronoun “she” is also acceptable.

 

SENATOR BATTY MURRAY (D-WASH): According to Donald Trump’s pick for secretary of education, Betsy DeVos, you have a vested interest in infiltrating school grounds. Is this true? And if so, will you hold yourself accountable for the outcome?  

 

GRIZZLY: I think that human school grounds are places of intrigue and whimsy.

 

SENATOR BATTY MURRAY (D-WASH): Does that mean you intend to infiltrate them?

 

GRIZZLY: I imagine that a great number of wild animals are intrigued by the inner workers of the American education system.

 

SENATOR BATTY MURRAY (D-WASH): Answer the question, please.

 

GRIZZLY: Um…I support accountability.

 

SENATOR BATTY MURRAY (D-WASH): What?

 

GRIZZLY: I support accountability.

 

SENATOR BATTY MURRAY (D-WASH): Is that a yes or a no?

 

GRIZZLY: I support accountability.

 

SENATOR BATTY MURRAY (D-WASH): Do you not want to answer my question?

 

GRIZZLY: I support accountability.

 

SENATOR TIM CANE TOAD (D-VA): Mrs. Grizzly—

 

GRIZZLY: Call me Buttons, please.


SENATOR TIM CANE TOAD (D-VA): Buttons, please answer the question. Do you have an interest in entering schools filled with young humans?

 

GRIZZLY: I must be honest since I’m under oak here. I do indeed wish to infiltrate schools.

 

SENATOR TIM CANE TOAD (D-VA): Can you definitively say that you are not there to consume the student body?

 

GRIZZLY: Oh heavens, no! Please, I am strictly a salmon, blueberry and old Taco Bell type of Grizzly. My interest in the schools has to do with furthering my education.

 

SENATOR MAGPIE HASSAN (D-NH): Can you elaborate?

 

GRIZZLY: Well, as many of you are experiencing, there has been an substantial dip in salmon populations. Spring is starting earlier which is terrible for my sleep schedule (I’m waking up far too early which wreaks havoc on my waistline) and ginormous white bears are migrating south to encroach on brown bear turf. It’s all very disconcerting. We have heard whisperings of this “climate change” thing and would like further educate ourselves so that we may be better equipped to deal with the future.

 

BERNIE SALAMANDER (D-MAINE): So, to be clear, you do not wish to inflict harm upon young human academics?

 

GRIZZLY: I’m interested in learning about why its harder to get my honey fix and why it’s so darn hot out all the time. I’m a lumbering hot flash! I tried to apply to several public schools but I accidentally shred the application and didn’t have the bear necessities to get in. Though there is a chance that I could actually receive a free education through the Individuals with Disabilities Education Act. It’s pretty complicated but I’m looking into it.

 

SENATOR RABBIT WARREN (D-MASS): Betsy DeVos expressed a concern about your presence in human schools. How can we feel assured that your intentions are purely educational? After all, we have all seen The Revenant.

 

GRIZZLY: Well, gosh. You’d just have to understand that I am exercising my inalienable right to an all-American education. Honestly, I’d been holding out for Trump University but their admin have gone silent on me. Crickets.   

 

SENATOR BERNIE SALAMANDER (D-VA): Would you be so kind as to tell us, uh, how many blackberries your family has contributed to our zoo’s elephant over the years?

 

GRIZZLY: Um, I wish I could give you that number, I don’t know.

 

SENATOR BERNIE SALAMANDER (D-VA): I have heard that the number was 200,000,000 does that sound in the ball park?

 

GRIZZLY: It…collectively, between my entire family? That’s, that’s possible. I’m sure there’s a honey trail. Senators, if confirmed, I look forward to bettering myself through our infallible education system. I’d like to take this opportunity to express my own safety concerns. There are a lot of big game hunters out there, including the president’s own male cubs. For my own protection, I’d like to request a concealed carry permit and publicly announce my support for the second amendment.

 

SENATOR RABBIT WARREN (D-MASS): I beg your pardon?

 

GRIZZLY: Yes. Given my quiet demeanor and the real threat from other students and hunters alike, I feel it only natural for me to be armed while attending school. Encounters between bears and bullies have risen, they are infiltrating our suburbs! I need protection from these ambush predators! Senators, I must remind you that the alternative fact is stated clearly in the constitution: “it is the right of the people to keep and arm bears.”  

 


 

Written by Kira Jane Buxton

Kira Jane Buxton

Kira Jane Buxton is a Seattle based writer who was raised in the jungles of Asia and the deserts of the Middle East. Her writing is forthcoming or has appeared in The New York Times, McSweeney’s, The Rumpus, The Huffington Post, Reductress, Ravishly, The Good Men Project, The Manifest Station and more. She believes in kindness and the restorative powers of sloths in pajamas.

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