Riverdale, the hip, edgy, sexually ambiguous retooling of the Archie Comics Universe, has proven to be a huge hit! This is yet more evidence that most people aren’t too choosy about what they watch, which we already knew, and also means that we’ll probably be seeing plenty of similar shows popping up very soon. So grit your teeth and steel yourself for these…
Other Cool, Trendy Reimaginings of Popular Comic Strip Characters
Gay is so passé, and trans are losing their fans. So just forget about all of that! The latest, hippest sexual identity is being neuter, and no one makes being neutered sexier than Garfield! Join tragic hipster bar-back Sebastian Garfield as he grumpily breaks hearts and navigates a world that treats him like every day is a Monday. When Sebastian’s life-partner Jon is found murdered, bludgeoned to death by a frozen brick of lasagna, all signs point to him being the killer. So now it’s up to SG and his best pal and recovering heroin addict OD to track down the real killer. This isn’t the Garfield you knew as a child! In fact, we’re not really sure what the hell this is!
The war in Iraq has had many victims. Calvin “Cal” Matheson isn’t special in that regard. Following his return home from a nightmarish tour, he’s had to move back in with his parents. But that scenario is pretty standard as well. No, what makes Cal’s situation special, or different, at least, is the land-mine that went off hear his camp, rattling his brain and removing his penis. And killing his best friend in the world, Esteban “Hobbes” Calypso. So now he’s back. Gender neutral, and with a brain injury that allows him to see the spirit of his dead best friend. And together, they’ll solve murder mysteries, in between long, meandering discussions about Cal’s new sexual identity, and why it’s no longer cool to smoke, even if you’ve had your dick blown off in a war, and a cigarette would taste really good right about now. Also, Cal is the janitor at a local high school, which allows us to work in a group of cool, hip teen characters as well. Don’t worry, at least one of them is gay. Maybe a lesbian? Sure, that could work.
Psychosexualized conceptualization of the Peanuts comic strip, told from the point of view of the object of Charles Lee Brown’s obsession, the little red-haired girl. Who is this strange boy, afflicted with alopecia and with the blank, glassy stare and milky complexion? And what about the gang of shadowy, sexually ambiguous misfits that follow his every move? One of them seems to be gay, probably. Schroeder, perhaps. He’s the musical one, right? Okay, yeah, most likely him. And what about Peppermint Patty and Marcie? You know that something has to be going on there. Oh, man, this is going to be a gold-mine! And there’s a serial killer or something too.
The unnamed sailor-man who stands at the center of our show was once a master of the seas. Now, he’s a defeated husk of a man, with a popped-eye and an over-reliance on the meth that gives him his sporadic bursts of strength and maniacal energy. And his girlfriend, Olive. That chick has to be on meth, right? I mean, there’s literally no other explanation. And their rickety crack-house is host to plenty of other hip, tragic characters as well, like Wimpy, the sexually ambiguous fellow who will perform pretty much any sexual favor just to get a free hamburger. A hamburger!! Top that, Riverdale!
Mom is transgender, and Dad is a hermaphrodite. So where did all of these kids come from? Do they only exist in the imaginations of the parental characters? Or are they members of The Family Circus, a secret society of sexually ambiguous, gender neutral teens who swiftly and silently move from family to family, with an agenda that’s so terrifying and mysterious that our writers haven’t even thought it up yet? Who knows? “Not me!”, you might well answer. We have no idea either, but won’t allow that to keep us from encouraging you to spend hours online, speculating about storylines and characters that will distract you from your own normal, sexually boring life, with your standard, boring, non-surgically enhanced genitals.
Illustrations by Michael Capozzola