In our present day, when it may be best to evacuate Earth, NASA has unveiled a whole new solar system with multiple planets capable of sustaining life. Don’t pick your new home randomly—make that cryogenic freeze and 40 lightyears of travel in deep space worth your while. Use our travel guide to find the destination that fits your needs.
TRAPPIST-B: The hottest planet in the system due to its incredibly close proximity to the sun. It’s a desert planet incapable of producing water, but that makes it the perfect place to find yourself on a vision quest. Be careful not cover yourself in rock dust as you discover the true meaning of life. Otherwise you’re likely to become dinner for one of the local Quaxnods, a seven-eyed beast that eats rocks for nutrition.
TRAPPIST-C: This planet is nothing but dirt. Just a dirt planet. There’s maybe one flower growing on it, but it’s outside of the habitable zone so that flower’s going to die by the time you get there. Honestly, skip this waste of space.
TRAPPIST-D: If you wondered why the TRAPPIST system starts at B, it’s because this planet is home to TRAPPIST-DISNEY! That’s right, there’s a Disney World in deep space, and it covers the entire planet. Join Mickey, Pluto, Zaldar and all your favorites on an intergalactic adventure featuring five variations of Space Mountain, 37 coasters and an abundance of mouse ears fit for every extraterrestrial species!
TRAPPIST-E: Everyone wants to go to TRAPPIST-E, colonized by a rapper from Mars who escaped just as the water was drying up. This is the planet that Coolio sang about on his hit track, “Gangsta’s Paradise,” where you’ll find yourself blastin’ and laughin’ till your mind is gone. This planet is also home 47 different oceans, which means there are so many beaches you’d think Jimmy Buffett found it first.
TRAPPIST-F: We recommend most travelers avoid the culture shock that comes with a visit to TRAPPIST-F. This is planet that has grown miraculously at the same rate as our own. When you arrive you will find an exact replica of Planet Earth as you know it today. The only difference is that the humanoids of TRAPPIST-F have buttholes where their mouths should be and mouths where their buttholes should be, with the entire digestive tract flowing upwards. It’s not the worst experience, considering the eyes and nose are in the proper location. On this planet, bidets serve as water fountains and vice versa. Probably best to stay on our Earth—unless you have a thing for butts.
TRAPPIST-G: Don’t be fooled—this planet is one gigantic orb-shaped organism, a large creature with a heart, brain, face and little hands and feet that aren’t much use. The planet is populated by little green men who have formed a symbiotic relationship with the creature, whom they call Jeff. Only when you accept Jeff as your personal Lord and Savior will you be able to join the Green Men of TRAPPIST-G, the top vacation spot for aspiring cult members looking to feed themselves to the planet as a means of ritual suicide.
TRAPPIST-H: Known as the forbidden planet, TRAPPIST-H is the true home of Santa Claus. Far outside the habitable zone, this frozen wasteland is where the jolly, eight-fingered fat man makes gifts year-round, often using the recycled body parts of those who make the mistake of visiting TRAPPIST-H.