Originals

How I Should Be Depicted in the Movies

Never show me looking through binoculars at a nudist colony. Show me looking at a bird, then slipping and falling into a nudist colony.

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A good thing to have in the movie would be to show me look at a newspaper and be shocked by the date, because that’s what I do every day.

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To show passage of time, show me as a boy petting my dog, then show me as an adult petting a dog skeleton.

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Leave out the “prison years.”

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Feel free to make me strong and handsome. But if you can only have one trait, lean toward handsome, unless it gets to where I’m really, really good-looking but I can’t even lift a pencil.

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Show me fighting big things and miniature things, but when I fight miniature things there should be a lot of them, so you don’t feel sorry for them.

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Don’t ever have me just standing there, doing nothing. At least have me run and dive behind a log.

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Maybe there could be a fantasy sequence where it shows what the town would be like if I had never been born, and for some reason everyone goes around nude.

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If you show me doing my funny cowboy dance, don’t show it in slow motion, because then people can figure out how it’s done.

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I don’t need to have a big fancy car, but I should at least have something fancy.

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When I meet someone new in the movie, I should be shy, even if I’m a general.

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A good dramatic part would be me out deer hunting. I see a big, beautiful buck, but I can’t bring myself to shoot him. Then, when I get home, I discover my whole family has been killed by the same deer.

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I should never be shown begging for something, except maybe candy. And by the end of the movie I should get the candy.

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Kids should look up to me, or at the very least, not beat me up.

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If I am in a crowd scene, have an arrow pointing to me.

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Never show me afraid of a bug, unless the bug makes a weird clicking noise that anyone would be afraid of.

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At the end of the movie, show funny outtakes from the nude scenes.

Illustration by Bob Eckstein

Written by Jack Handey

Jack Handey

Jack Handey is the winner of two Emmy Awards and a Writers Guild of America Award. He was a longtime writer on Saturday Night Live, where he penned such sketches as “Toonces, the Cat Who Could Drive a Car,” “Unfrozen Cave Man Lawyer,” “Happy Fun Ball,” and “Anne Boleyn.” He also wrote and narrated “Deep Thoughts” and “Fuzzy Memories.”
His humor pieces have appeared in The New Yorker, Outside, Playboy, Punch, National Lampoon, The New York Times, and elsewhere. His books include several volumes of Deep Thoughts, as well as the books Fuzzy Memories, What I’d Say to the Martians, The Stench of Honolulu, and Squeaky Poems: Rhymes About My Rat. He lives in Santa Fe, New Mexico, with his wife Marta, dog Ruby, and cats Perkins and Bruiser.
Photo credit: Brad Wilson
Jack Handey’s books are available at DeepThoughtsByJackHandey.com

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