How to Be a White Ally Without All the Hassle

Are you distressed about the results of the recent presidential election? Do you want to take a stand against the forces of hate and discrimination? Now you, too, can be a white ally simply by following these four easy steps.




Get Yourself a Lanyard

Not only have lanyards become a secret symbol for white allies to easily and surreptitiously identify each other in public, they can also be used as talismans against the racist. If the racist is spotted, simply kiss your lanyard three times, spin around in a circle, and recite the words “Frederick Douglass”. This will vanquish the racist back to whichever Hobby Lobby or Home Depot it crawled out of.


Encountering the Racist

If you encounter the racist without your lanyard, remember that the most important thing is to stay calm. Try to make yourself as big as possible. Raise your arms above your head and make loud noises. Sensing a more dominant white, the racist may back off. If that doesn’t work, then remain perfectly still and do not make a sound. The racist’s vision is triggered by motion, and its attention span is short. The racist will soon lose interest and walk away of its own accord.


Pull Out Your Camera Phone

If the above tactics don’t work, your phone’s camera can be a powerful defense. The racist is notoriously vain. If the racist sees that it is being filmed, it will become distracted and likely lose interest. However, be careful not to use your camera’s flash while filming. Bright lights have been known to agitate the racist, causing its behavior to become unpredictable.


Remain Vocal

Finally, it’s imperative to remain vigilant and speak out. The racist subsists on the complacency of other whites. Be sure to write frequent, lengthy statuses on your Facebook wall making your stance against bigotry clear so that your Muslim friend from college knows that he has an ally in you.

Written by Andy Newton

Andy Newton

Andy Newton is a writer living in Astoria, Queens. His work has been published by National Lampoon and McSweeney’s.