I’m the Ghost of a Non-Energy Efficient Home, and I Can’t Haunt This House for Shit

I’m tired of competing with typical sounds in this godforsaken house to get some damned attention.  My soul was simply bound to the wrong place, at the wrong time. This house is a real piece of shit – rundown, full of leaks, creaks, squeaks, electrical shortages, uneven floors.  It hasn’t been updated since the 1980’s. Every single one of my top-quality spooks have been mistaken for a shitty house problem. When I really nail a pipe shake, or even the coveted door slam, these assholes chalk it up to a draft, or say “oh, there’s that wonky pipe again.”

They keep saying they’ll talk to the landlord about renovating, but then they go on about how they’re lucky they even got the place to begin with, at the price they pay.  Apparently it’s a tough market out there. Well, it’s really fucking tough to be a successful ghost in place like this. It’s a losing game. They say the squeaky wheel gets the grease though, so I’ll really up the ante on my haunts, and get my ghost shit together. Maybe with enough scares, these sad, poor renters will leave, and the landlord will put some energy efficient upgrades in this bitch.

Here is a list of some changes the landlord could make:

  • Plug Up Air Leaks – Use some quality caulking and insulation, and seal up the places that cold air escapes in the summer, or comes in from outside in the winter. Typical places to find leaks are around the doors and windows, but also includes places in the basement or attic. And you know those are the kind places I thrive in.
  • Seal Ducts – if the house has central AC, make sure there aren’t any leaks in the ducts, I mean really this is a no-brainer. The EPA says that almost a fifth of the air sent through forced air ducts escapes through leaks. So seal it up, then, when they hear an inexplicable WHOOOOOOSH through those ducts, they’ll know it’s all me, mothafucka.
  • Install Energy Efficient Windows and Doors – Use wood frames for all windows: they’re better than typical aluminum. Install solid doors in lieu of hollow ones, which air can just whip right through. Imagine the quality door slams I could make with solid doors. They would know it’s due to me, their house-ghost, and not due to hollow-ass doors getting blown around like fall leaves.

Even with this brief list of energy-efficiency tricks, not only will the people who occupy this house save money and help lower their carbon footprint, but I’ll be able to really reach my potential as a fully fledged and respected ghost.  Whether it’s the tap tap tap from who’s there? NO ONE, or hearing voices they can’t chalk up to windy attic drafts, I’ll be able to just blast their faces with sweet ass ghost skills.


Written by Melissa Pelletier

Melissa Pelletier

Melissa is a modern woman from New York who takes no prisoners. She write educational things by day, and weird things by night. Find her on twitter at @TheyBredRaptors