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James Comey’s Medications for the Recently Unemployed or Politically Compromised

Are you stressed? Worn out? Beaten down? Have recent events — creeping totalitarianism, the crumbling of democracy, the loss of your job — upgraded your nausea from mild to moderate? If you previously supported Trump, but recent events are starting to give you a lil’ tummyache, try one of James Comey’s Patented Medications for the Recently Unemployed or Politically Compromised.


 

Russiantylenol

 

Ugh. Everyone knows that Russian ties are such a headache — but they’re nothing compared to the headache of complex opinions. How in the world can Democrats have criticized or called for the removal of James Comey based on his decisions in October, but still find the timing and cause of his recent firing morally objectionable? Things are one thing or another: black or white, sad or fantastic, tremendous or Eric. If the nuance of grownup conversations is giving you a headache, try Russiantylenol.


Aleve Them


You know what it’s like: you voted for an ignorant toddler despot because you thought that once he was elected, he would become more Presidential. It’s usually a safe bet to think that rich 70-year-old men who have never experienced any pushback on their behavior will literally change overnight. But improbably, the maniacal troglodyte you voted for stayed the same after he was elected, and his constant tweeting is starting to give you a headache! Try Aleve Them. Aleve Them: “How can you avoid a demon? When they show you who they are, aleve them.”


Wallbutrin


Trump actively campaigned on a xenophobic, racist, nationalistic platform. You knew that when you voted for him! But when he said he was going to deport all illegal immigrants, you didn’t think that he meant, like, the good ones. Definitely not the ones who live near you! Why, they’re practically white. If your one Mexican friend is gone now and you’re starting to feel like it might be partially your fault, pop a Wallbutrin and let the guilt fade away.


Dramaminers


Are you a Real American who lives in Real America and pushed your reservations about voting for Trump aside because he promised to bring coal jobs back? Are they not back? You might want to pop a few Dramaminers: we’re all in for a long, bumpy, barfy ride.


[It takes an] Advillage


Did you once write a book called “It Takes a Village,” but then forgot that Michigan and Wisconsin were in your village? What a headache! [It Takes An] Advillage now available in convenient travel packs so you can take them with you while you walk through the woods and think about what you’ve done.


Pepto Bismolester


If you’re a white Evangelical who previously held genuine convictions about sexual purity, moral rectitude, and the sanctity of marriage, and you’ve been noticing a nagging pain in your stomach since voting for Trump, you may need a healthy dose of Pepto Bismolester. A conscience ulcer is the LAST thing you need to worry about, especially since your muscles are probably pretty sore after all of the mental gymnastics you performed to justify voting for a walking sexual harassment training video. Side Effects of Pepto Bismolester are rare and may include an impulsive need to start sentences with “But — Bill Clinton.”


Pepcid AG


Uh-oh … was your newsfeed flooded with pleas to call your Congressperson to contest the nomination of Jeff Sessions as Attorney General, and you really meant to, but didn’t because talking on the phone makes your tummy feel nervous? And did you recently find out Jeff Sessions’ actual track record on civil rights, and now you’re feeling a bit sick to the stomach? If your inactivism is giving you an ulcer, try Pepcid AG. For when people are dying, but you can’t be bothered to pick up the phone.


And as always, for all of James Comey’s anti-nausea meds, if you’re experiencing an election lasting longer than 4 years, please call a doctor.*


*Not Ben Carson


 

Written by Riane Konc

Riane Konc

Riane Konc is a writer whose work has appeared in Shouts & Murmurs, McSweeney’s, The Washington Post, Reductress, and more. You can find more of her work at rianekonc.com and follow her on Twitter @theillustrious

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